Randy Spears: Capt. James Quirk

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Capt. James T. Quirk : Captain's Log. Production date June twenty-second... Intercourse is approaching Deep Space Station 69 for the scheduled pick-up of Charly Walker, the lone survivor of a spaceship crash over twenty years ago, marooned on a desolate planet. After so much time alone the old fart probably has as much appeal as a pimple on Ron Jeremy's butt.

• Capt. James T. Quirk : Space. It's big. It's dark. It's spooky. These are the voyages of the starship Intercourse. The crew's five minute mission is to spread the seed of humanity to any hot looking babe in a spacesuit, and to boldly cum where no man has cum before.

• Charly : [after materializing in the transporter naked]  Oh dear, where are my clothes?

  Bones McJoy : I never did trust that contraption, although it does seem to have its pluses.

  Capt. James T. Quirk : Don't worry, Miss Walker, I'll have ship's stores fabricate you some clothing. Something cheap and tawdry with strappy high heels. Something a pornstar would wear.

• Capt. James T. Quirk : Yes Charly, we have many corridors like this aboard the Intercourse. So don't believe anyone who tells you that we use the same corridor over and over, shot from different camera angles.

• Yeoman Gland : Oh hey, Captain, I'm so glad you're here. I was about to go to the gym and my zipper appears to be stuck.

  Capt. James T. Quirk : Let me help you, Yeoman. Can't have a zipper stuck in the up position in a movie such as this.

• Lt. Uwhora : Uh, transmission's lost, sir. Did you want me to find another channel? I could find an episode of "Fresh Prince of Belair"?

  Capt. James T. Quirk : No, Lt. Uwhora, but if you see a "T.J. Hooker" rerun, please let me know.

• Capt. James T. Quirk : Mr. Sperm, Mayor Headcheese said something about *evil* being among us, could it be that John T. Bone is directing this episode?

  Dr. Sperm : No, Captain, but my long distance, deep space sensors do indicate that Deep Space Station 69 has been exploded into a ball of fire, rather like my anus was that time you treated me to Mexican food.

  Capt. James T. Quirk : How, Sperm, how? How could it have happened?

  Dr. Sperm : I think that spicy Latino food does not agree with my half-Horny system.

  Capt. James T. Quirk : No, Sperm, I'm talking about the space station.

  Charly : It wasn't built very well. Just like your ship, cheap paint, thin plywood, used nails. You guys don't get much of a budget for these things, do you?

• Capt. James T. Quirk : Mr. Sperm, she knows something we don't know.

  Dr. Sperm : Perhaps she's read ahead in the script, Captain.

• Capt. James T. Quirk : [possessed by Charly]  Oh, stop your whining all the time, wouldya?

  Squatty : Uh, Captain, if I weren't whining about me engines, I wouldn't have much to do on this show.

• Capt. James T. Quirk : [possessed by Charly]  So, you're the uh... transporter chief?

  Crewman Bubbles : You should know, Captain, you recommended me after that one night we had together.

  Capt. James T. Quirk : Yes. What's the strangest place you've ever done it?

  Crewman Bubbles : On Herschel Savage's face, but I've always wanted to do it in the transporter. Imagine all of our atoms disassembled, and then scattered together, and then reassembled. What could be more erotic?

• [Quirk and Bubbles materialize in a strange place] 

  Crewman Bubbles : Where are we, Captain?

  Capt. James T. Quirk : [possessed by Charly]  By the looks of the orange sky, I would say Stage 7B at Desilu Studios.

  Crewman Bubbles : But Desilu Studios ended up the same time "Star Trek" did, Captain. Neither exist anymore.

  Capt. James T. Quirk : Listen, if I wanted intelligent conversation, I'd have invited that pointy-eared Mr. Sperm guy.

• Capt. James T. Quirk : [possessed by Charly]  You look like a woman who's had a lot of sex in her lifetime.

  Crew Woman : Uh, yeah. I had sex for Vivid yesterday, and the day before that for Wicked, and the day before that for Sin City.

• Bones McJoy : Now that we have you back, Jim, what's the plan?

  Capt. James T. Quirk : Plan is to have another sex scene before those blue pills you gave me wear off... wrap this parody up... so I can take another nap.

• [last lines] 

  Bones McJoy : But Jim, how did you know the entity would flee the computers by trying to solve the equation of Pi?

  Capt. James T. Quirk : Because the entity was a woman, Boner.

  Dr. Sperm : Yes, Captain, and as a woman she knew how to bake a pie, but not how to solve it.

  [everybody laughs]