Steve Austin: Dr. Boner McJoy

Quotes 

• Charly : [after materializing in the transporter naked]  Oh dear, where are my clothes?

  Bones McJoy : I never did trust that contraption, although it does seem to have its pluses.

  Capt. James T. Quirk : Don't worry, Miss Walker, I'll have ship's stores fabricate you some clothing. Something cheap and tawdry with strappy high heels. Something a pornstar would wear.

• Dr. Sperm : The men from the planet Horny must have their prostate examined monthly due to the long periods of time in which we must go between sexual gratifications.

  Nurse Chapstick : I think it's romantic that the men from Horny save themselves for the right woman.

  [sigh] 

  Dr. Sperm : It takes a great deal of discipline, Nurse. You see there's a tendency for our sperm to... back up. So every month I must go to Dr. McJoy and have him massage and excrete excess sperm from my glands...

  Bones McJoy : Sperm, you pointed-earred green sperm freak! We're eight minutes into this video and we don't even have a sex scene yet. I've got a naked babe on my table with her feet in the stirrups, and you're talking about me massaging your prostate gland. You know, you're killing me!

• Crewman Bubbles : Alright, it's true. I had sex in the transporter, but how did you know?

  Dr. Sperm : The transporter beam was set on both long-range as well as short-range, which means that you and the captain managed to materialize on the bridge as well as every room on this ship.

  Bones McJoy : As well as every dirty movie channel available on satellite TV. We all witnessed your carnal act, Crewman.

  Crewman Bubbles : Oh. Well how was it?

  Bones McJoy : I'm a doctor, dammit, not a porn critic.

• Dr. Sperm : [examining Quirk in sickbay]  It appears that the entity has left his body, Doctor. Fascinating. He no longer has breasts and... and his penis appears to be returning.

  Bones McJoy : And making as much forward progress as a commuter on the 101 freeway during rush hour. I need a stimulant. Nurse, get me those blue pills that I've been keeping for emergencies.

  Dr. Sperm : Blue pills, Doctor? Emergencies?

  Bones McJoy : Spermy, we've been doing these Sex Trek parodies for the last fifteen years. Considering the average age of every male cast member, I'd say this is an emergency.

• Bones McJoy : Now that we have you back, Jim, what's the plan?

  Capt. James T. Quirk : Plan is to have another sex scene before those blue pills you gave me wear off... wrap this parody up... so I can take another nap.

• Bones McJoy : Intercourse being run by a woman? I haven't heard anything that crazy since man elected Hilary Clinton president in 2008.

• [last lines] 

  Bones McJoy : But Jim, how did you know the entity would flee the computers by trying to solve the equation of Pi?

  Capt. James T. Quirk : Because the entity was a woman, Boner.

  Dr. Sperm : Yes, Captain, and as a woman she knew how to bake a pie, but not how to solve it.

  [everybody laughs]