- Liz Lemon: Look, Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sims family... when a child doesn't see his father enough, he starts to jump up and down, and then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.
- Jack Donaghy: Why don't I have any other friends?
- Liz Lemon: Wow, OK, what about this? Maybe Donald *is* Tracy's son, because maybe Tracy is 60.
- Pete Hornberger: No, that's ridiculous.
- Liz Lemon: Think about it: he can't rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead...
- Pete Hornberger: Falls asleep in chairs. Doesn't know how to use a computer. Always mad at the TV!
- Toofer: His favorite show is NCIS.
- Liz Lemon: He might be 70!
- Jack: You know what family means to me Lemon? Resentment. Guilt. Anger. Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights.
- Jenna Maroney: [to writers] And you know who else loves "Dealbreaker?" Brett Michaels. We have the same publicist, and she said he'd love to come here and dress in the same outfit and do it with me... and also, he wants to be on the show.
- Jack Donaghy: So gentlemen, is there any history of mental illness in your family?
- Fred: Don't get me started. My cousin killed everyone at his job.
- Jack Donaghy: How about you?
- Milton Greene: No, the Greenes are sharp as a tack, right to the end. Which makes the end all that much more terrifying. My father died screaming.
- Jack Donaghy: Greene... that's sort of a vague name. You meet a lot of other Greenes at your church...?... Christmas?
- Milton Greene: We're agnostic secular humanists.
- Jack Donaghy: You are a huge disappointment to me.
- Milton Greene: I do not understand why we're yelling at each other, but I am not accustomed to losing an argument. So you know what? Screw you... and your fakakte contest.
- Jack Donaghy: Oh, God, no.