- Liz Lemon: Colleen's in town? If you need a break, I'd be happy to take her out. There's a restaurant hostess in midtown I'd like to see cry.
- Kenneth Parcell: Well, as a child, I had a prize pig that I thought was my best friend. But then one day I picked up one of her piglets - she went crazy! She bit off my nut sack... that I kept tied around my belt to feed squirrels.
- Liz Lemon: Hey Jack, do you treat me any differently because I'm a woman?
- Jack Donaghy: Well, I pay you a little less, yes.
- Jack Donaghy: Paul is leaving, mother. And I think you should know why. He's married.
- Colleen Donaghy: Oh my... I know that! Paul, find something to do in the bathroom. I have to talk to my son.
- [Paul leaves]
- Colleen Donaghy: OK, shoot.
- Jack Donaghy: You knew?
- Colleen Donaghy: It's Florida, Jack! It's like it never stopped being the '70s down there. And a guy like Paul, who can drive at night, you just don't say no to that!
- Jack Donaghy: This Thursday marks an anniversary for my mother, an unpleasant one. 35 years ago my father Jimmy Donaghy went out for a pack of cigarettes... came back, smoked one, told my mother he was leaving forever, then walked out the door.
- Kenneth Parcell: Now you're standing on the exact spot where Gracie Allen took Jack Paar's virginity.
- Liz Lemon: Tracy, it costs the show a lot of money when you pull these shenanigans.
- Tracy Jordan: Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon. We have a black president now.
- Liz Lemon: What do you care? You voted for Nader!
- Jack Donaghy: I have an opportunity here, a chance to go back to the past to put things right that once went wrong.
- Liz Lemon: That's the "Quantum Leap" intro.
- Jack Donaghy: I'll see Paul and give him the speech I wrote for Jimmy Donaghy.
- Liz Lemon: Paul's not your dad.
- Jack Donaghy: But Paul's here. And he's taking advantage of my mother. What I originally wrote for my father may be dated. Who would be our current Nikita Khrushchev?
- Liz Lemon: Simon Cowell?
- Jack Donaghy: I'm tired of watching you treat my mother like this. I'm not afraid of you. You're just a big bully. Like Simon Cowell. That's right. I just called you a communist.
- Jack Donaghy: Have you ever been to Florida? It's basically a criminal population. It's America's Australia.