Photos
Quotes
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Jeff Heaney : What's that on your trousers?
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh God, it's seeping through!
Jeff Heaney : Have you pissed yourself?
Mark Corrigan : Er... yeah. Yeah, I did a little bit of wee on myself, so...
Jeff Heaney : You twat!
[Jeff and Sophie laugh at him]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh yeah, they can laugh, but I win because they think I pissed myself, they've no clue I came all in my pants!
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Mark Corrigan : Wow, the Ladies'. Nice to see it's almost as disgusting as the Gents'.
Dobby : Yeah well, it used to be all pink and tidy but then feminism happened and we all just started pissing on the floor!
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[Mark enters a small storage room. Dobby is inside]
Dobby : Hi Mark. Nice to see you.
Mark Corrigan : Dobby... likewise.
Dobby : There's meant to be a bunch of USB sticks here, but...
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] God, there's an atmosphere. Sexual tension? Or just misfits scared of sexual tension?
[the door shuts behind them]
Dobby : Ooh, er!
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh no, this is disciplinary hearing waiting to happen!
Dobby : [Tries to reach something on a shelf] Oh, I can't reach, could you?
Mark Corrigan : Er, yeah sure. Erm... you'll, uh, you'll have to... move.
Dobby : Yeah, I should move, but... I might not move.
[She begins to rub her bottom against Mark's private area]
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Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] She's the one! Oh Dobby, let me chew on your weird hair.
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Sophie Chapman : [very drunk and looking a mess] You're like a life support machine, Mark.
Mark Corrigan : [helping her walk] Well, thank you, Sophie.
Sophie Chapman : Except instead of giving life you suck it all out of people!
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] My beautiful wife.
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Mark Corrigan : You know, Jez, I've started to get this feeling that I'm totally, totally fucked. You know? Everything's fucked. I fucked my wedding, I fucked up my only ever relationship, everything's just completely fucked.
Jeremy Usborne : You have been feeling this for a while.
Mark Corrigan : But now I'm starting to think that maybe that's a good thing. 'Cause, now I can get on and do everything I've always wanted to do. Join Mensa, learn the clarinet. I could become a Scout leader.
Jeremy Usborne : [trying to hide a smirk] Mm-hm.
Mark Corrigan : What are you smiling for? Look, Scouting is noble tradition. You do not have to be a paedo to wanna to work with children, all right?
Jeremy Usborne : [whispering] But it probably helps.
Mark Corrigan : Oh God, that is so... I spent five happy years in the Scouts and never once...
Jeremy Usborne : You told me Kinky Layton was all over you.
Mark Corrigan : Yeah, all right, Layton was a bit of a paedo, but not in a bad way, just boosting you over the climbing wall, making you run round the camp in your pants. It was old-style paedo-ing, before it got such a bad name.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : 'Course, Layton only really had eyes for Duncan Carpenter, the doe-eyed little flirt.
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[Mark and Sophie are on their first day back at work since their failed wedding. Mark is walking past a couple of women, who are giving him looks]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh, the gossip mill. That's right, stare at Hess, throw fruit at Hess, pacing his prison yard.
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[Mark is sitting with Dobby at lunch. She picks up a block of cheese and scrapes some onto her jacket potato]
Mark Corrigan : Wow, you carry your only personal cheese? Is that allowed?
Dobby : I'm a smoker, I need Man-Cheddar, you know? If you like, you could...
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] If I was seen sharing cheese with a woman it could be misinterpreted. My approval rating would drop through the floor. Plus, it look like she might gnaw on it.
[to Dobby]
Mark Corrigan : I'm fine. I think if I ate anything with any flavour in this room my body would probably spasm due to shock.
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Mark Corrigan : [to Sophie's father] I'm so sorry about all this, Ian.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : Ian? He is Ian, isn't he? Suppose now I've jilted his daughter I could call him Captain Cockring and it wouldn't make things any worse.
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[At work, Mark has gone into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea. Lisa, one of his co-workers, sidles in]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh, knickers! Here we go, Lisa!
[Lisa quietly takes her mug off the peg]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] She's not saying anything! Brilliant! Good old English reserve.
Lisa : Um, Mark, I just wanna say, about the wedding and everything... that I think you're a real piece of shit.
Mark Corrigan : Oh, OK.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : That's fair. Lisa is a very fair person.
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Mark Corrigan : I just wondered if you fancied coming down with me to the Fuck Bunker...
Dobby : Is that what you call the stationary cupboard?
Mark Corrigan : No, God, no. It's a venue, uh, my mate's playing gig down there on Friday and I just thought it might be cool to swing by there and check it out.
Dobby : [smiling] Your mate's playing a gig, check it out? Mark, you're not trying to get away with pretending you're a normal human being, are you?
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[At work, Mark goes into the kitchen to find his mug smashed to pieces]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] "Piggin' Tea Break"!
[reads the note that's been left]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] "Oops, butterfingers. Your clumsy wife"! She has gone beyond, now! That is too much, that is way over the line!
[takes a mug off a peg with Sophie's name underneath]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Maybe I'll stick it back to "Harpenden Harpenden Harpenden", see how she likes that! No. Can't we leave the mugs out of it? Even the mob never hit the families.
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Mark Corrigan : You have to be very careful asking someone to get you a Twirl who would also suck you off.
Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover] Still, blow job and a Twirl.
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[last lines]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] OK, what now? Go home and roast the shit out of some meat.
