- Chris Griffin: [after Dylan beats up the Evil Monkey] Yay! I haven't been in my closet for years! Boy... there is a lot of feces in here.
- Lois Griffin: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
- Peter Griffin: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.
- Lois Griffin: What?
- Peter Griffin: What?
- Stewie Griffin: How can you have a 13-year-old son when you're only 7?
- Brian Griffin: Those are dog years.
- Stewie Griffin: That doesn't make any sense.
- Brian Griffin: You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.
- Stewie Griffin: [to Brian when he becomes a magician to impress a girl] You need more than that. You need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant and we'll put on a whole big show.
- Brian Griffin: Really?
- Stewie Griffin: Yeah. We'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.
- Brian Griffin: What?
- Stewie Griffin: Saw me in half.
- Peter Griffin: Hey Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a car wreck?
- Brian Griffin: Oh my God. Oh my God. I don't even want to think about. No. Knock on wood. Knock on wood. Knock on wood.
- Glen Quagmire: I can imagine that'd be pretty tough.
- Brian Griffin: No, no, no Quagmire. Until you have a child. Until you have a child you can't possibly understand.
- Joe Swanson: Listen Brian, there's a difference between being cautious and being over protective.
- Brian Griffin: That is a dad talking. That is a dad talking Quagmire. You're right you can't hold your kids back. It's like I say, you have to give your child both roots and wings.
- Cleveland: Brian, I want to punch you in the dick right now.
- Brian Griffin: [to Lois] Don't worry. I got it under control, Lois. I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor.
- [listens to conversation over monitor]
- Stewie Griffin: Hey, Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec.
- Dylan: Stewie, why are you nude?
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a "naked tea party." Got my teacup here and now all I need is a teabag. That something that interest you, my friend?
- Dylan: You're weird.
- Stewie Griffin: Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off!
- Dylan: I'm out of here.
- Stewie Griffin: Huh, did you see that, Rupert? "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds" starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.
- Dylan: Knock-knock.
- Brian Griffin: Who's there?
- Dylan: You're there.
- Brian Griffin: I'll always be there, Dylan.
- Brian Griffin: Gosh, this is a... lovely home, Tracy.
- Stewie Griffin: That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.
- Tracy: There's someone I've wanted you to meet for years.
- Stewie Griffin: By the look of those toenails, I bet it's that little Lamisil monster!