- Dr. Gregory House: [refering to Jeff] Is he Canadian?
- Dr. Allison Cameron: He's a low priority.
- Dr. Gregory House: Is that a yes?
- Dr. Gregory House: If you want people to drive safer, take out the airbags and attach a machete pointing at their neck. No one will drive over three miles per hour.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Kutner] Get that idiotic smile out of my face. I gotta go on a killing spree.
- Dr. James Wilson: [to Cuddy about Amber and House] I'm going to piss off one of them, and they *both* scare me!
- Dr. Gregory House: Three cavemen see a stranger running towards them with a spear. One fights, one flees, one smiles and invites him over for fondue. That last guy didn't last long enough to procreate.
- Dr. Gregory House: Taub and Thirty-one...
- Thirteen: Thirty-one?
- Dr. Gregory House: Aw, I'm sorry I, thought that either way was good for you.
- Dr. Gregory House: [answers phone] Hello and thank you for saving me from being righteoused to death.
- Dr. Gregory House: Run him for everything you can think of: lepto, schisto, hemo, and the fourth Marx Brother nobody ever heard of.
- Dr. Gregory House: So syphilis prevents domestic violence? I'm gonna be even more attractive to the ladies.
- Dr. Amber Volakis: Take my deal, or get out of my apartment.
- Dr. Gregory House: Take *my* deal, or I move in.
- [House asked Chase to go bowling with him]
- Dr. Robert Chase: I assume Wilson was busy?
- Dr. Gregory House: Again.
- Dr. Robert Chase: With Amber?
- Dr. Gregory House: Again.
- Dr. Robert Chase: Still it was nice of you to invite me, this is fun.
- Dr. Gregory House: No it wasn't, no it isn't. I didn't invite you to be nice. I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves.
- Dr. Robert Chase: What's the second thing?
- Dr. Gregory House: Other hand.
- Young Man: Have you heard the good news?
- Dr. Gregory House: Miley Cyrus is playing a third night at the Spectrum?
- Dr. Gregory House: [Both are on dirty-linen duty for breaking the "custody" rules over Wilson] Where are you two going Friday night?
- Dr. Amber Volakis: Dinner at L'Auberge.
- Dr. Gregory House: You're lying.
- Dr. Amber Volakis: Of course I am.
- [Wilson is out of hearing-range around the corner giggling to himself]
- Dr. Lawrence Kutner: We gave van Gogh chelation therapy. Turned him into a house painter.
- Dr. Chris Taub: Maybe not. Maybe we just put Hitler on Ritalin.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Are you comparing House to Hitler?
- Dr. Robert Chase: Oh god.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Just because I don't think he's Hitler doesn't mean I slept with him. I don't sleep with everyone who's better than Hitler.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: At least as long as his wife has known him, eleven years. The chances of him having an undiagnosed pathology for that long?
- Dr. Gregory House: What are you saying? Evolution is wrong? Where do you think we are, 21st-century America?