- ["Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood" begins; Murphy enters as Mr. Robinson again, albeit with more gray hair]
- Mr. Robinson: [singing] Oh, it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor/Could you be mine? Would you be mine?/I was gone for good, but now it's all right/My neighbors were black, but now they all white/So the check-cashing check turned into a bank and the stairs they don't stank/The white people came and changed everything/But I am still your neighbor!
- [speaking voice]
- Mr. Robinson: Hello, boys and girls! It's your old pal, Mr. Robinson. So much has changed since last spent some time together. My neighborhood has gone through so much. It has gone through something called gentrification. Can you say that? It's like a magic trick. White people pay a lot of money, and then poof! All the black people are gone. But where do they go, boys and girls? Back to where they come from, of course: Atlanta! Now, it's just me by myself. You're all probably wondering how Mr. Robinson can afford to live in this neighborhood. That's the word of the day.
- [Mr. Robinson gets up from his bench and walks over to a sign reading "Squatter's Rights"]
- Mr. Robinson: "Squatter's Rights", it's like finders keepers but for other people's houses!
- [During a Holiday Baking Championship, Eddie Murphy as contestant named Mitch is prepared to unveil his piece for the judges]
- Judge #1: Next up is Mitch.
- Mitch: Hi, judges! I can't believe I'm here! I want to say you look so much more attractive in person.
- Judge #1: Okay, thanks. What's your Christmas memory?
- Mitch: My children have grown up in Napa. One of my favorite memory is playing video games on Christmas mornings. So cake is that speedy rascal, Sonic the Hedgehog. It is made from royal icing and the shoes are made from hot cinnamon and the speed lines are red licorice.
- Judge #2: Wow, really interesting flavor profile.
- Mitch: I only get one shot at this and I didn't want to "hedgehog" my bets.
- Judge #3: I love that you came to play. Let's see it.
- [Mitch reveals his cake. It looks horrible and it's brown in color]
- Judge #1: Good God, Mitch.
- Mitch: That's bad. It's gross. Real bad.
- Judge #2: What went wrong?
- Mitch: I think I just made a lot of bad choices. I don't mean the cake. I mean, in general, in my life.
- Judge #3: And why is it brown, Mitch?
- Mitch: I don't know. Why is anything brown?
- Judge #3: Okay. And are those human teeth in its mouth?
- Mitch: That's correct. The teeth are human.
- [Later in the sketch, Mitch's cake has spontaneously ignited in flames -- thanks to a quickly-hidden lighter in Eddie's hand]
- Mitch: I think it's trying to kill itself!
- [the cake, heretofore known as Demonic Sonic, begins speaking in ancient tongues and language]
- Judge #2: I'm sorry, Mitch. What language is that it's speaking?
- Mitch: That's some evil backwards devil talk. I believe I opened up a portal and I am so bad at baking.
- Judge #1: Should we destroy it?
- Demonic Sonic: [quickly, the cake adopts a sweet old lady voice] No! Please don't hurt me. I love you!
- Judge #1: What is that voice?
- Mitch: It's in your grandmother's voice to try to trick and drag you to hell!
- Judge #3: That's very disturbing. At least you took risks.
- [In the middle of "Weekend Update", Eddie Murphy arrives on stage as the famous children's show character, Gumby]
- Gumby: Hold, stop the press right now.
- Colin Jost: Wait, what?
- Gumby: What the hell is going on, here? Give me a chair! I wanna sit down, you bastard.
- [a crew member quickly gives him one]
- Colin Jost: Ladies and gentlemen, it's Gumby!
- Gumby: They know who the hell it its. I am Gumby, dammit!
- Michael Che: What are you doing here?
- Gumby: What am I doing here? The question, Michael Che, is how the hell are you going to put on a show and not have me in the show until now? I should have been in the every damn sketch from the top. I am the one that made Eddie Murphy a star. He was just a regular *coon boy* till I saw him.
- Michael Che: Well, we just thought people wouldn't know who you were.
- Gumby: How the hell are people not gonna know who I am? I am Gumby, dammit! Let me tell you something. I saved this damn show from the gutter. And this is the thanks that I get for saving the show? Shame on you, Lorne Michaels. Shame on you, NBC. Shame on you.
- Colin Jost: Alright, Gumby. Just calm down.
- Gumby: Don't tell me to calm down, trailer boy. I got to listen to this black bastard telling me that people won't remember who I am? Do you know why you two are behind this desk? Because your jokes don't have legs, you schmucks. I pass kidney stones with more personality than the two of you.
- Michael Che: That's a little rude.
- Gumby: Face it, kid. Both of you together couldn't Velcro my sneakers.
- Michael Che: Well, you're not exactly a Christmas character.
- Gumby: What the hell do you mean I'm not a Christmas character? Look at me! I'M GREEN! I'm green and all the children love me. The kids love me. I'm a Christmas character, you jerk.
- [Gumby has just pulled out a cigar]
- Colin Jost: Hey, Gumby. I just want to point out. You're not allowed...
- Gumby: Give me a match, I want to smoke this cigar.
- Colin Jost: Yeah, you're not allowed to smoke in here.
- Gumby: Don't tell me not to smoke, headshot. I do what I want to do. I am Gumby, dammit. I am Gumby. I want to smoke a cigar, *I smoke a cigar.* I SMOKE A CIGAR!
- Michael Che: What about your horse, Pokey?
- Gumby: [beat] You have the nerve to sit there and bring up the name Pokey? He's in the glue factory for all I care. I don't believe this. I make my triumphant return, and you're talking about a can of dog food? How did you even get this job? What? You win a radio contest or something?
- Colin Jost: I guess you're not enjoying the show then, huh?
- Gumby: No, that's not true. I did enjoy some of the show. I liked that sing -- what's-her-tush?
- Colin Jost: You mean Lizzo.
- Gumby: Yeah, That Libbo who, huzza, buzza, pubba. I like her. She's a real beauty. And you know, colored girls don't usually do that for me.
- Michael Che: So you want to stay out here or what?
- Gumby: No. I have to get going. It's too late now. You should have used me. You waste me. I'm going. I'm an old man. I got to get to bed because I got to get up early and take my morning dump.
- Michael Che: [to audience] Gumby, everybody!
- Gumby: I am Gumby, and in the morning I take a dump.
- Michael Che: I know.
- Gumby: I am staying here. Don't pack me you bastard, I'm staying. The people love to see me. All right, all right, I'll go.