- Barbara Caufield: Truth is just something boring people tell each other. People who truly care about one another take the time to lie to each other.
- [as insincere as can be:]
- Barbara Caufield: You look lovely.
- Tiffany Malloy: And you... hardly look used at all.
- Barbara Caufield: See? You can lie just as well as I can.
- Tiffany Malloy: Well, I prefer to lie to get something that isn't worth getting.
- Barbara Caufield: Why, that's beautiful. Would you mind *needlepointing* that for me and *putting* it over your bed when you go to Stanford, oh, 'Harvard of the West'?
- Tiffany Malloy: If Harvard is so stupid as to accept a big bunch of lies, then I don't wanna go there anyway.
- [breaks down, squeals:]
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh, yes, I do!
- Jack Malloy: [to Tiffany:] A truthful person just has to remember what he said. A liar has to remember what he said to different people. Yes, it's a wonderful, tangled web the liar weaves. Try it, honey, I think you'll like it.
- [demonstrates:]
- Jack Malloy: Oh, Ross!
- Ross Malloy: Yes, Dad?
- Jack Malloy: I love you, son.
- Ross Malloy: [really pleased] Thanks, Dad.
- Jack Malloy: [to Tiffany] You see how simple it is? Well, I'll be down in the basement in case anyone needs me.
- Ross Malloy: I'll... I'll come with you, Dad.
- [Jack makes a break for it, runs for the door, slamming it behind him]
- Ross Malloy: I'm warning you, old man! I'm gonna grow up normal if it kills me!
- Ryan Malloy: How about... you play the violin?
- Tiffany Malloy: [about to reject another hare-brained idea] Ryan, that's... perfect! First of all, you'd never have your violin with you, and second of all, who'd ask you to play the violin? That would be like asking Michael Bolton to sing.
- Ryan Malloy: He stinks.
- Tiffany Malloy: Yeah! Oh, but the snooty, arty, sophisticated at Harvard will lap it up like soccer moms lap up the President's lies.