Geoff Pierson: Jack Malloy

Quotes 

• Mr. Floppy : Twenty's nothing. A girl's not old until she's... twenty-seven. You know why women age so fast? Because they get all wrinkled from going

  [mimicking women's baby talk] 

  Mr. Floppy : "Floppy is the best catch, Floppy is the best catch." That's why guys are so lucky, as we get just more attractive as we get older.

  [Jack grunts emphatically] 

  Mr. Floppy : Unlike women like Shirley McLaine, Jessica Lange and Elton John. You believe how old Kim Basinger looks?

  [Jack grunts, shaking his head] 

  Mr. Floppy : You'd think the best Baldwin could do better.

  [Jack grunts again] 

  Mr. Floppy : And what's the deal with that Spanish guy and Melanie Griffith? What do they have, a grandmother complex?

  Jack Malloy : [laughs]  Well, he's a foreigner, they can't see past the blond head.

  Mr. Floppy : Old flesh is scary. You don't want to touch it. It comes away from the bone like chicken soaking in the soup.

  Jack Malloy : I don't think Tiffany wants to hear that on her birthday. Floppy, I've got to give her something really special for this birthday so she'll always love me more than Jenny. That way, when she marries a rich guy, I can go and live with them.

  [gets into this:] 

  Jack Malloy : Ah, man, I'll tell you, I'd love to be some doddering fool in some rich guy's house, crashing into furniture I can't afford, hogging the satellite TV, vomiting in the golden fruit bowls, and we'd be rich enough to have Sandra Bullock clean it up.

  Mr. Floppy : We can afford that now. Have you seen Speed 2?

• Ryan Malloy : [upon entering and seeing Tiffany's chic new room furnishings]  Holy Hepburn!

  Tiffany Malloy : Now this is more age-appropriate, don't you think? I have my fainting couch,

  [pretending to swoon backwards onto the lounge] 

  Tiffany Malloy : my etchings, and of course, my picture of Matt Damon, like all little old ladies have by their bed.

  Ryan Malloy : You've thrown all your stuff away, haven't you? Yet I didn't throw my blanket out after I had smallpox. Either time.

  Tiffany Malloy : You know, Ryan, you are so lucky to be a guy. Girls have to mature and throw away their toys, but guys are so immature that they never have to change a thing. Their wardrobe is the same two pair of pants and pile of old T-shirts they'll be throwing on the floor till they're fifty. An old guy is just a young guy that sags.

  Ryan Malloy : So, what you're saying is, girls are stupid, huh?

  Tiffany Malloy : [pointedly:]  No, Ryan. I'm saying that girls grow up. Girls change during their lives and boys never do.

  Ryan Malloy : Oh, that's stupid. Changing is stupid, ergo, girls are stupid.

  Jack Malloy : [entering, hunched over, staggering under the weight of a large piece of European-looking furniture carried on his back]  Where do you want this dresser?

  Tiffany Malloy : It's a credenza, Daddy.

  Jack Malloy : [stoically]  Where do you want this credenza?

  Tiffany Malloy : Let's try it over there.

  [Jack suffers laboriously to comply] 

  Tiffany Malloy : No, you know, let's try it over here.

  Jack Malloy : [out of breath]  What do you say we just leave it here and move the house?

  Tiffany Malloy : What do you say you try being funny with the credenza over there, hey, Daddy?

• Mr. Floppy : [surveying the menagerie of other toy animals scattered onto the couch]  What's next, Jack? Are we gonna live in a zoo?

  Jack Malloy : Just think of it as a frat house, and we're the coolest brothers in the place. Kappa Alpha Nutso.

  plush toy #3 : [watching video, squeaky-voiced]  What movie is this?

  plush toy #4 : [another ridiculous squeaky voice]  Who's that guy?

  plush toy #3 : And what did he say?

  plush toy #4 : What did he say when you asked what did he say?

  Mr. Floppy : [impatient snarl]  Shut up, will ya? It's a porno movie. It doesn't matter who they are and what they're saying. It's about human emotions, damn you!

  [to Jack, while engrossed by proceedings on the screen] 

  Mr. Floppy : You don't do something like that to somebody without loving them.

  [to the toy animals] 

  Mr. Floppy : Shut up, get me?

  [they start singing in their little fairy voices] 

  Mr. Floppy : Here they go again! Jack, you gotta shut 'em up! Shut 'em up! They're driving me crazy!

  [the bunnies and bears are now tape-gagged, but still singing merrily past their restraints] 

  Mr. Floppy : Perhaps we need to make an example, Jack.

  [Jack decapitates a small stuffed toy, and the others fall silent as the grave]