Stephanie Hodge: Jennie Malloy

Quotes 

• Jennie Malloy : [consoling]  Now, now, sweetheart, what would you like to do for your birthday? How about a slumber party?

  Tiffany Malloy : Eww, Mom, no! Slumber parties are for little girls and old women who want to relive the feeling of being little girls. They think it's all cute to put on pajamas and get the hags together to share popcorn and bitterness.

  Jennie Malloy : Ooh, it sounds fabulous, can I come?

  Tiffany Malloy : [giving up on Mom]  Daddy, Daddy, do something to make it better, Daddy! Daddy, you've always been able to make it better, make it better, tell me something good about getting old, Daddy, Daddy?

• Jennie Malloy : Happy birthday, honey!

  Tiffany Malloy : [in black widow mourning outfit]  Mother, what is to celebrate, huh? I am twenty. Twenty! It ends in 'ty' not 'teen.' From here on in, it is just twenty, thirty, forty, obesity, senility, Dan Haggerty...

  [voice breaks] 

  Ryan Malloy : C'mon, Sis, turning twenty is cool, you can vote now.

  Tiffany Malloy : Uh, Ryan, I've been able to vote for two years now.

  Ryan Malloy : Girls can vote? Oh, boy, what's happening to America?

  [flees off up the stairs] 

• Tiffany Malloy : What are all these high taxes about, huh? How about a few more tax write-offs for the people who deserve 'em?

  [on an odd crusade:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : The people in the entertainment industry. Those men and women bring joy into our lives via the blessed television set day in, day out.

  [catches herself] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, that was weird. That was like somebody was putting words into my mouth, you know, like a writer or something.

  Jennie Malloy : I get that sometimes.

  Tiffany Malloy : Mm. Probably just the senility because I'm getting old. When did you know you're old, Mom?

  Jennie Malloy : Just now.

• Tiffany Malloy : Hey, Mom, look at this! I got the perfect birthday present. A credit card with my name on it, wow!

  [rethinks it] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Wait a second, if I'm responsible enough to have a credit card, it means I'm old!

  Jennie Malloy : [teasing]  Ha-ha-ha-haa-ha, you're a responsible adult, you're a responsible adult!

  [they both laugh merrily] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Hey, Mom, this came for you.

  [hands over letter] 

  Tiffany Malloy : It's from the AARP, the old people's association.

  Jennie Malloy : No! It can't be! I'm young! I am!

  Tiffany Malloy : [rising from the couch]  Responsible adult.

  [disdainfully:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Responsible, ptoeey! I'll show them! I'll act like a real American adult and I'll max this baby out in one day.