Joel McHale: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Joel McHale - Host : [after talking about Britney Spears]  Moving now to the Lohans...

  Kelly Andrews : So stable by comparison.

• Joel McHale - Host : Lindsay Lohan's younger sister Ali Lohan is laughing off reports she was involved in a car wreck last week after In Touch Weekly reported that she was. "Oh, that's very flattering, but my older sister's the car wreck, my mother's the train wreck. And my father's the nuclear holocaust."

• Joel McHale - Host : Joss, you've come by to tell me something very important.

  Joss Stone : I have. It's very serious. Um, Joel McHale, I am very mad at you.

  Joel McHale - Host : Why? What did I do wrong?

  Joss Stone : Well, I watch the show every week, and you never mention me. And I would like to know why.

  Joel McHale - Host : Well, have you just gotten out of rehab?

  Joss Stone : No.

  Joel McHale - Host : Do you have a DUI?

  Joss Stone : No.

  Joel McHale - Host : Did you get knocked up by a rock star or a backup dancer?

  Joss Stone : No.

  Joel McHale - Host : Did you ever do any time? Shave your head? Tape a sex tape? Is anybody after your kids? Do you have a show on E? Is your father Michael Lohan?

  Joss Stone : No.

  Joel McHale - Host : Well, see, there you go, Joss: you are way too well-adjusted to be on our show. Now, if you want to get on "The Soup," you've got to get out there, get freaky, and start acting like a rock star.

  Joss Stone : Oh. That's it? That's all I gotta do?

  Joel McHale - Host : That's it.

  Joss Stone : All right.

  Joel McHale - Host : And if you're a celebrity who'd like to be on the show, pick up our helpful guide "How To Ruin Your Life And Become A Punchline On 'The Soup.'"

  Joss Stone : Okay, wicked. Okay, I'll be needing that.

  Joel McHale - Host : Here you go. Oh, here's your bottle of vodka.

  Joss Stone : Oh, thank you. I'm going to be needing this, right?

  Joel McHale - Host : And here are Ryan Seacrest's car keys.

  Joss Stone : Excellent. I'm on my way up in the world!

  Joel McHale - Host : See you on "The Soup," Joss.

• Joel McHale - Host : Hey, Mystery, what do the nerds have to do on "The Pickup Arist" this week?

  Mystery : [wearing World War One flying goggles in a clip replay]  The objective is to kiss a woman with her permission.

  Joel McHale - Host : Thank you, Sky Captain of Tomorrow!

• Joel McHale - Host : And now, my Labor Day Special Comment to Miss Lohan and Miss Spears: Britney, Lindsay, summer's over and that means it's time to get back to work. When we get back to work next Tuesday, we want you to be there for us.

  Keith Olbermann : You see, for every time you pass out in a car, attack a car, crash a car, or have a picture taken of your privates while getting out of a car, you are not just keeping yourself in the limelight, you are also keeping us employed. That's right, we get paid for the jokes we write about the things you do. And that's why we have one simple request to take you through the rest of '07: if you do nothing else this year, somehow, some way, please manage to survive.

  Joel McHale - Host : And by "survive," I mean "get back to being the crazy kids we knew and loved, the gals who would get caught on tape being the mildly dumb a fella could make fun of without having to feel bad."

  Britney Spears : [looking confused in a clip replay]  Huh?

  Keith Olbermann : Yeah, like that. Sometimes it's hard to do on your own, so here are some helpful survival tips we think you could both use. One: stop blaming Mommy and Daddy... even if they are to blame. You are both adults, and at some point every adult has to take responsibility for his or her actions... with the exception of the White House staffers and Fox News employees. Two: get over yourselves and do something for someone else. Even Paris Hilton came out of jail vowing to make a difference in the world. She may or may not do it, but if she does, do you want that stick puppet to be better than you are at saving the world? Sober up and take her down! And finally, Survival Tip #3, which may seem easy, but were I you, Lindsay and Britney, it would be one of the hardest things I could imagine: take a good, hard look at this picture.

  [a photo of Anna Nicole Smith is shown] 

  Keith Olbermann : I really and truly hope you don't become this. So, Miss Spears, Miss Lohan, we are done talking about you. Go to bed. Good night, and good luck.

  Joel McHale - Host : Do I look smarter on Camera 2?

• Joel McHale - Host : Let's talk about "Chicks, Man."

  Constantine Maroulis : [in a clip replay]  Chicks, man!