- Jennie Malloy: [Jack has snuck a drumstick off Tiffany's plate while her head was turned as she was talking on her cellphone] I can not believe you would take food out of your own children's mouths.
- Jack Malloy: She's anorexic. She's already ate her lima bean.
- Tiffany Malloy: [softly] Oh God.
- [then, insistent:]
- Tiffany Malloy: Daddy, I will not have you spreading ugly rumours about me being anorexic. Anorexics don't eat. Besides, if I was going to be anything, I would be bulimic.
- Tiffany Malloy: If I needed to lose weight I'd just go on a Grandma-diet.
- [grandmother is lying face-down at dinner table]
- Tiffany Malloy: Just be unconscious during meals.
- Maureen Slattery: [coming to] You could never be too high or too thin.
- [slumps down again]
- Tiffany Malloy: [not paying any attention to grandmother] Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm helping Amber with her task.
- [on cellphone]
- Tiffany Malloy: Uhm... A blue plus at the bottom means your guidance counselor didn't really have a vasectomy.
- Jack Malloy: Yeah, the lighting in that bathroom makes me look like an old man.
- Mr. Floppy: So does the lighting out here.
- Jack Malloy: That was horrible. I haven't seen that many wrinkles since the farewell episode of Designing Women.
- Ross Malloy: I'm starving, I wanna go home.
- Jack Malloy: Well, you can't go home now.
- Ryan Malloy: Yeah, but at least there's food there.
- Jack Malloy: [gets up from the couch in disgust] You whining sissies, you make me sick! We're men, we don't give up our principles just to eat. We give them up for the promise of sex, but not just for food! You are soldiers in the battle of the sexes. If you go home now, and let a woman push you around, while the whole world laughs at ya, you might as well just be the President of the United States. Now is that what you want?
- Ryan Malloy: [in unison] No!
- Ross Malloy: [in unison] No!
- Jack Malloy: All right. Let's be men.
- [walks to the door, takes jacket]
- Jack Malloy: Come on, guys. It's night in the city. And if we can't roll a drunk, or score some loose change from the seats of an unlocked automobile, then we have no right to call ourselves Malloy.
- Jennie Malloy: And now it's up to my little girl to carry the torch of emasculation. What are you gonna make your man do, honey?
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh, everything. And I'm not gonna let love get in the way. I am a fine bottle of wine. Only he who can afford me, gets to sniff the cork.
- Maureen Slattery: [drunkenly] Yes, sweetheart. But once the bottle is open, everyone at the table gets a taste. At least at the parties where I was hostess.
- Jennie Malloy: [suddenly concerned, softer tone] But you know, honey, I'm afraid that maybe we've given you the wrong impression. Now, once you are physically and emotionally ready, sex can be a beautiful experience. There's really nothing else in the world like it.
- [gloomily:]
- Jennie Malloy: I hear.
- Tiffany Malloy: I don't know, I think I prefer the velvety touch of pearls around my neck. The snug fit of a 4 ct. diamond ring around my finger.
- [sits back on the arm rest of the chair, lifting up a long, smooth, bare leg which she rubs fondly]
- Tiffany Malloy: Smooth touch of silk stockings caressing my legs. The contours of the leather seats of my Rolls-Royce firm against my taut young bottom. My hand resting on my bulging investment portfolio.
- [getting very excited:]
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh, stocks, diamonds and pork bellies, oh my...
- [makes pleasurable sounds]
- Tiffany Malloy: I think I'm gonna take a bath now...!
- [runs off, smoothing her hot pink mini-dress behind her]
- Jennie Malloy: Now that girl has her head on straight.
- Maureen Slattery: That little witch may be on to something.
- [first lines]
- Tiffany Malloy: [on phone to Amber] Uh-huh, uh-huh. No, the dogs aren't fighting, that's just my Dad and brothers eating dinner.
- Ryan Malloy: [found Jack on his hands and knees on the couch next to Floppy] Don't worry, Dad, I'm not one to judge. Sometimes when the dog rubs up against me, I rub back.
- Jack Malloy: [regards Ryan with distaste] It sure is an honor to call you 'son.'