My Best Friend's Girl (2008)
Dane Cook: Tank
Photos
Quotes
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Tank : You are what we call a two bagger. That means I wear a bag on my head, just in case the one in you breaks.
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Tank : I would part you like the red sea and let you call me Moses. I would open you up like a public pool on memorial day.
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Tank : The only funny thing that will ever come out of you, is me!
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Tank : Look at you all white and thin. I bet if I laid you on this bar she could snort you.
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Tank : Look at me. You look like Chewbacca and Sasquatch had a baby, and that baby took a shit, and that shit was blinded in a knife fight moments before styling your hair.
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Dustin : You need to get her back.
Tank : But I don't deserve her.
Dustin : No, you do. Tank, if you were willing to give her up, trust me, you deserve her.
Tank : That's fucked up. You're right. She's my angel and it's time she knew.
Dustin : Yes. So what's stopping you?
Tank : I propositioned her mother for a blow job.
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Tank : [sitting watching "Ghost" and crying] God, I'm a fag.
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Tank : How was I suppose to know it was your sister? How was I suppose to know? It was dark, I was drunk and I thought it was you. Oh she's pregnant,too? You tell your sister, I will make a donation to planned parenthood in her honor.
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Heavily Pierced Kid : Welcome to Cheesus Crust where pizza's a religious experience. How may I ordain your order?
Tank : How is the Pizza of Nazareth?
Heavily Pierced Kid : People worship it.
Hilary : I am deeply offended.
Tank : I know these prices are outrageous which is why I carry my Flavor Savior Card; fifteen percent off to those who eat here religiously.
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Tank : Weddings, they get me hot and hard know what I'm sayin'? What you got goin' on down there? BOOM!, I want that in my fuckin' mouth.
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Tank : She could use a little more famine and a little less fried.
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Rachel : Tank, okay since you have yet to ask me anything at all. I should tell you a little bit about myself, I'm a social worker, yea I know what you are thinking, It is challenging work but so important.
Tank : Woah, woah there big time. I'm a customer satisfaction rep at Airmeister air filtration systems. That is important work because without air, we cannot live.
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Tank : You can stop trying to be clever Alexis because the funniest thing that will ever come out of you is me.
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Tank : If I do this I'm gonna make it the finest tanking of my career, my bloody fucking masterpiece. Dusty she's going to lose her shit like a shit collector with amnesia. I'm talking about a Turkish twist epic mind FUCK of a tanking. Ok? Her brain is going to be rocking back and forth in the shower for like 3 weeks
[makes whimpering noise]
Tank : . Ok? I'm talking about demonic fucking Tank. I'm going to be flying up into the sky. She's going to cry tears that form call Dusty on the ground. Yes? Am I doin' it? Tell me I'm doin' it!
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Ami : Hey, Alexis sent me to go look for ya so let's go.
Tank : Just havin' a little chit chat with my friend. Takin' a breather, breathing. Fuckin' goddamn what do ya call that shit AJ?
AJ : Afghani kush krytonite.
Tank : Kryptonite killed Superman, I'm just a man.
Ami : You really are like a super special kind of asshole, aren't you?
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Tank : She's gonna cry tears that form "call Dusty".
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Tank : Is that your phone? Want to Answer your phone? Or are you most interested in me right now? Answer your phone! Oh no wait that is my phone.
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Tank : [Addressing Alexis] Well at least I can hide my shame in my pants. What really sucks is having the ass the size of a miniature Mediterranean donkey.
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Tank : I tried like a motherfucker to follow you in. But this door does like a lock thing when you are inside. Anyway here is what I'm thinking, we start with a blow job. I turn what most girls think is a chore into a training session.
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Tank : Whats the plan for tonight? Bring this girl back here. Pop open a bottle of chloroform. Insert tab A in slot b, repeat as necessary.
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Tank : [Holding up number from Alexis, who he just met] Daddy bee's got the honey.
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Tank : Yet, I am concerned that you've had a few too many drinks and now your fingers are in this bowl like it's one of your sorority sisters.
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Tank : I mean, baby, get your head in the game. Nothing tastes as good as looking good.