I Love You Phillip Morris (2009)

Jim Carrey: Steven Russell

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Quotes 

• Steven Russell : Love sure is a funny thing. Makes you happy, makes you sad, makes you do all sorts of things you never thought you'd do before. In fact, love's the reason I'm laying here dying.

• Phillip Morris : Did you pay to have the Screecher beat up?

  Steven Russell : Me?

  Phillip Morris : Don't bullshit me. Did you pay to have him beat up?

  Steven Russell : You hate that guy.

  Phillip Morris : Just answer the question.

  Steven Russell : Yeah. Yeah, I did.

  Phillip Morris : Steven. That is the most romantic thing that anyone ever did for me.

  Phillip Morris : [crying]  I love you so much.

  Steven Russell : I just want you to be happy, baby.

  Phillip Morris : You are my true soul mate.

• Steven Russell : [introducing Arnie to prison]  Anything you want from the outside, he's the guy. Candy, cigarettes, drugs, whatever. He's the guy. Just keep in mind, it's gonna cost you a lot of money - or you could suck his dick. Your choice. You're gonna catch a beatin' any day now. That's just the way it is. I lost three teeth, cracked a vertebra. Anyway, all you gotta do is fight back. Win or lose, just fight back - or you could try to suck the guy's dick. Your choice.

• Phillip Morris : You fucker!

  Steven Russell : I know. I'm sorry. You weren't supposed to find out.

  Phillip Morris : Well, I did.

  Steven Russell : I couldn't take a chance telling you. You know that. I couldn't. But, Phillip, I only did it just so I could get here to you. I did it so I could talk again. And here I am.

  Phillip Morris : You're so skinny.

  Steven Russell : I'm fine. Just hungry.

  Phillip Morris : Steven, I don't...

  Steven Russell : Wait, listen. I just came here to tell you one thing, and that's it. You don't have to take me back. I just want to say one thing. I know you think that we were nothing but a lie, but underneath all those lies, there was always something that was real. I thought about what you said to me. You said you don't know who I am, but I know now. I know who I am. I'm not a lawyer, I'm not a CFO, I'm not a cop, I'm not some kind of escape artist. Those Steven Russells are dead. Now all that's left is the man that loves you. And if you could see that, believe it, I promise I'll never be anything else ever again.

  Phillip Morris : How do I know you're not bullshitting me again?

  Steven Russell : You don't.

• Steven Russell : I'm gay. I'm a huge fag. Faggot! That's what they're gonna call me.

  Ambulance Attendant : If you say so, sir.

• Steven Russell : Sometimes you have to shave a little off the puzzle piece just to make it fit.

• Steven Russell : I love you, Phillip Morris! I love you!

• Steven Russell : Pardon my french. My mother smoked during pregnancy.

• Steven Russell : Phillip...

  Phillip Morris : Don't.

  Steven Russell : I love you.

  Phillip Morris : From the moment we met, you've done nothin' but lie. Our whole relationship, just lies. I'm such an asshole. You took advantage of me, just like all the others. You were supposed to protect me, but you just did nothing but make a fool out of me. And you expect me to love you? How can I? How can I love you? I don't even know who you are. And you know what's sad? I don't even think you know who you are, so how am I supposed to love someone that don't even exist? You tell me.

  Officer : Morris, you're up.

  Phillip Morris : I'll never forgive you Steven. Never!

• Steven Russell : Fucking Texas.

• Steven Russell : [Phillip spits over the side of a boat after giving Steven a blowjob]  Oh, you don't love me!

• Steven Russell : [telling about his schemes to get money]  And for a guy without a college education, my options were... limited.

  [slipping on the supermarket floor] 

  Steven Russell : Ooo... Oh, my back! Ah! Oh, I can't believe I slipped on virgin oil. Ah, don't touch me. Oh, no, don't tou... Oh.

• Steven Russell : [Steve is having vigorous sex with someone we don't see]  I'm gonna cum! I'm gonna cum!

  The Moustached Man : [His sexual partner's head pops up to reveal a man with a bushy mustache]  Do it man! Cum in my ass!

  Steven Russell : [as a disembodied voiceover]  And I did!

• Steven Russell : Oh did I forget to the mention the fact that I'm gay? that's right gay gay gay gat and I have been as long as I can remember,