Scrubs (TV Series)

My Own Worst Enemy (2007)

Zach Braff: Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : What is wrong with me?

  Dr.Perry Cox : You're an annoying, whiny man-child.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : That question wasn't directed at you!

  Dr.Perry Cox : What question?

• Dr.Perry Cox : That's it! Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the First Annual Sacred Heart Who-Caresies Awards, designed to honor those people who believe that others actually give a rat's ass about the minutiae of their lives.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [narrating]  The weird thing was, I think we all really wanted to win.

  [J.D.'s fantasy starts] 

  Dr.Perry Cox : And the nominees are Barbie Reid for "What Am I Gonna Do About My Ex-Fiancé?"; Dame Judy Dorian for "I'm Done Self-Sabotaging"; Gandhi for "I've Got Candy In My Teeth"; The Todd for "Look At My New Shirt!".

  [on Todd's shirt is written SHHH! DONG SLEEPING] 

  Dr.Perry Cox : And the winner is... Dame Judy Dorian! This is Dame Judy Dorian's first nomination and first win.

  [J.D.'s fantasy ends] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [narrating]  Suck on that, Tony Shaloub!

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [Voice over]  It was the simple answer, just like Turk said. I had knocked up a girl on our first date. And I don't have strong feelings for her, and probably never will. And the only reason we're still together is because there's a kid involved. Which means I'm gonna stay with her until the very end. Whether I love her, or not.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Her name's Lady?

  Janitor : Yeah.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Who's named Lady?

  Janitor : She is. She's got a brother named Him.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I've sabotaged every relationship I've ever been in. Look at it: Molebutt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumplefugly, Gift Shop Girl...

  Dr. Christopher Turk : None of those girls were good for you anyway. Well, except for Molebutt. I don't even know if Rumplefugly was a girl.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Stop it. Fugs was awesome.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : So are you gonna answer me or not?

  Dr. Christopher Turk : C'mon man, you know why you almost screwed things up with Kim. Don't make me say it.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : All right fine, the Harsh Truth Rule is in effect. I'll lay a harsh truth on you so when you lay one on me, you won't feel guilty.

  Dr. Christopher Turk : J.D., we don't need...

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : When you sweat a lot, you smell like eggs.

  Dr. Christopher Turk : That's not even true! Did Carla tell you to say that?

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : No, why? Does she think that too?

  Dr. Christopher Turk : [Awkward pause]  No.

• Nurse Carla Espinosa : J.D., you're not that self-destructive.

  Janitor : Really? I was gonna suggest he seek professional help.

  [to J.D] 

  Janitor : Would you be interested in seeing a cognitive therapist? 'Cause I know a guy, he's good. I'm gonna give you his card, then I'm gonna bash your head in. I'll see you in the morning.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I'm in at 7:00.

  Janitor : Wear a helmet.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Big news, sports fans!

  [Everyone turns to J.D] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I've decided to start calling everyone "sports fans". Yeah, I know I'm not exactly the jockey type, but I watched "Hoosiers" last night, and I like sports now.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [Voice over]  You see, there's an age-old principle you hear a lot about in medicine, that the simplest, most obvious answer is usually the correct one. It's called Ockham's razor.