Photos
Quotes
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Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] God, what's happening to me? Am I really going to get married? Don't want to... but calling off the wedding at the last minute? Don't want to hurt lovely Sophie. Need time to think. How can I buy some time? Contract TB? But where from? No badgers.
[he sees a large workman coming his way]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Try to get beaten up? I could say he's got a... fat head. Call him a jizz-cock? Not actually an insult, all cocks are jizz-cocks really. Bit like calling him a piss-kidney.
[he watches cars moving around the car park]
Mark Corrigan : Road traffic accident? Yeah, that would kick everything into touch for a few months. Shit. Could I?
[sees a car coming towards him at about 5mph]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Here it comes, come on Mark, take the hit. Keep your eyes on the prize!
[he steps in front of the car and the driver brakes]
Motorist : What the hell are you doing?
Mark Corrigan : Sorry, I didn't see you.
Motorist : You were looking straight at me!
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Must get injured!
[to the driver]
Mark Corrigan : Well, you should be more careful, you... jizz-cock!
Motorist : What?
Mark Corrigan : You could have had my legs off, you... piss-kidney!
Motorist : [driving on] Arsehole.
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Arsehole. Yep, nice insult. Clean, clear and insulting.
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Mark Corrigan : If you really can't hold it in, then you'll just have to... piss yourself.
Jeremy Usborne : You're telling me to piss myself?
Mark Corrigan : Yes, if you've got to go, piss yourself.
Jeremy Usborne : Is this what it's come to?
Mark Corrigan : Yes, and do it quietly.
Jeremy Usborne : Great. And what shall I do after I've pissed myself? Fuck myself? Eat myself? You're such a...
[a wet patch starts growing on the crotch of Jeremy's trousers]
Mark Corrigan : Are you doing it already?
Jeremy Usborne : Yes, I'm doing it already! I'm so pathetic that as soon as you ordered me to piss myself, I started the procedure. This is what you've done, you've ground down my sense of self worth over the years, I hope you're proud!
Mark Corrigan : When are you going to stop?
Jeremy Usborne : Not for a bit.
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Jeremy Usborne : [about his best man speech] OK, so I thought I'd start with "I will now do my best to give Mark the six most uncomfortable minutes of his life, and the six most uncomfortable minutes of Sophie's life will be coming up this evening, courtesy of Mark."
Mark Corrigan : I don't like it. I don't like it at all, it sounds like I'm going to attack her.
Jeremy Usborne : It does not sound like you're going to attack her.
Mark Corrigan : No, Jez, it's blue. Put something else.
Jeremy Usborne : Well, I'd have to pay for another opening joke.
Mark Corrigan : Pay? Jeremy, is that from the internet? Are you doing my speech from the internet?
Jeremy Usborne : Yeah. That was a risque icebreaker. Would you prefer a conservative icebreaker?
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Mark Corrigan : Shit, Jez, I don't think I can do it, I don't think I have a good enough reason to call off this wedding.
Jeremy Usborne : I know a reason.
Mark Corrigan : What?
Jeremy Usborne : I've got a reason for you not to marry Sophie. But you have to promise you won't be angry with me.
Mark Corrigan : What is it? Did you get off with her?
Jeremy Usborne : No! God. Something else, but you've got to promise not to be angry.
Mark Corrigan : OK, I promise. Release the gold.
Jeremy Usborne : OK. Well, actually I did get off with her. I snogged her at the JLB conference.
Mark Corrigan : What? You're kidding! You're my best friend and you copped off with my fiancee? You... lovely bastard! This is dynamite! This is the perfect excuse! Why the hell didn't you tell me about this earlier?
Jeremy Usborne : Well, I thought you might be angry.
Mark Corrigan : I am angry! Very angry, but also incredibly relieved! It's difficult to express both emotions at once!
Jeremy Usborne : Look, I am very sorry.
Mark Corrigan : You're not just saying this? You wouldn't just make this up, would you? To try and keep me happy?
Jeremy Usborne : No, of course not.
Mark Corrigan : Oh, this is sweet! I am out of this, no questions asked! You shitty, faithless, back-stabbing beauty!
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Mark Corrigan : Shit. I need to sort this. I mean, what am I going to do? What's going to happen here? Because, personally, I have no idea.
Jeremy Usborne : I really need to get to a urinal, Mark.
Mark Corrigan : Do you know what, I think I might actually toss a coin. I think tossing a coin might be the best available route open to me right now.
Jeremy Usborne : You are joking.
Mark Corrigan : Why not? I don't seem to have any other ideas. OK, so, heads: I marry, lifetime of potential grinding resentment. Tails: I stay here, become a social outcast and turn my back on the woman I may very well love.
Jeremy Usborne : I'm excited.
Mark Corrigan : I'm kind of excited too! So...
[he tosses a coin]
Mark Corrigan : Ugh, it's marry. I'm going to marry. Shit!
Jeremy Usborne : Best of three?
Mark Corrigan : Yes, exactly, best of three.
[he tosses the coin again]
Mark Corrigan : Ugh, heads again. Shit!
Jeremy Usborne : Best of five?
Mark Corrigan : No, the coin has spoken.
Jeremy Usborne : Great, let's get out of here. I am busting.
[Mark pauses]
Mark Corrigan : No, I'm not getting married.
Jeremy Usborne : You're overruling the coin?
Mark Corrigan : Well, the coin isn't actually the boss of me, Jeremy. And how I felt when it told me to marry makes me think I definitely shouldn't. So, text everyone, text everyone to tell them that.
Jeremy Usborne : A text?
Mark Corrigan : Yeah. Tell them... tell them I'm doing a Stephen Fry, we're in Brussels, I'm eating chips and mayonnaise, I'm on the edge. You found a blanket under the garage door and I'm wearing an overcoat and that no one should approach me and I'll be back in a couple of weeks and everything's fine, maybe we'll have a wedding in a couple of weeks but I'm on the edge, stress that, everyone needs to be kind to me. Text that.
Jeremy Usborne : You want me to send all that? To everyone?
Mark Corrigan : I'll cover the cost.
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Sophie Chapman : [sobbing] I just feel terrible, I feel like I've been shot in the stomach.
Mark Corrigan : Don't say that, Sophs. It's done now, we're over the hump.
Sophie Chapman : The hump! Our wedding, the hump!
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Mark Corrigan : So, Nancy, did she not show up?
Jeremy Usborne : No, she did. With Super Hans. So, that's nice. I think I might divorce her, so how she likes that.
Mark Corrigan : Well, I suppose I should apologise for not letting you go and get her.
Jeremy Usborne : Yeah, I was pretty pissed off about that. But I was thinking of waiting for a bit before I brought it up.
Mark Corrigan : Oh, that's nice. Thanks, man.
Jeremy Usborne : It's fine. I'll just chuck it in with all my other mouldering resentments.
Mark Corrigan : Exactly. Stick it on the bill.
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Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] So, I've done it. I'm married. If only New Labour hadn't abolished the tax advantages, I'd have something positive to cling onto right now.
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Mark Corrigan : You know, you do smell really quite strongly of piss.
Jeremy Usborne : And your hat and shoes smell of puke, so I guess neither of us are exactly the king, are we?
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Mark Corrigan : I think you're right. I shouldn't marry Sophie. I should call it off.
Jeremy Usborne : Brilliant! Let's call this mother off! The El Dude Brothers are back!
[he does the truck horn noise and hand gesture]
Jeremy Usborne : One thing, you have left it pretty late, it will be a jilting.
Mark Corrigan : Oh, no, God, no, no, it's not a jilting, I'm going to tell her right away. A jilt is at the altar. I'm not jilting.
Jeremy Usborne : I think anything on the wedding day is a jilting.
Mark Corrigan : No, at the altar. "He jilted her at the altar".
Jeremy Usborne : But that implies he could have jilted her somewhere else.
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Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] OK, here we go, wedding day. I am heading for a wedding. How do I feel? Empty, check. Scared, check. Alone, check. Just another ordinary day. Ha-ha. Very funny.
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Jeremy Usborne : So, what do you reckon? Are you getting married or not?
Mark Corrigan : I don't know. I don't wanna end up on my own like Miss Haversham, wanking into a flanel, but I do feel very strongly that it's not... right. There are strong arguments on both sides, it's a moot point. This wedding is moot!
Jeremy Usborne : It can't be moot. You can't have a moot wedding. You need to decide, man.
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Vicar : The vows you are about to take are to be made in the name of God, who is judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts.
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] He's ladling it on now. Is that the proper thing? He hasn't just put that in to needle me, has he?
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Vicar : But first, I'm required to ask anyone present, who knows a reason why these persons may not lawfully marry, to declare it now.
[Mark turns and looks at the wedding guests]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh, please! Someone! Save me! Jeremy? Spacemen?
[Jeremy meets Mark's eye for a second but stays sitting completely still with his mouth tightly shut]
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Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh, great, now she's crying and I probably look like a wife beater. It's not fair! I'm unhappy too!
Vicar : Will you take Sophie Hortensia Chapman...
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Hortensia? Oh, this is a fucking disaster. Look at me, I'm one of those men women read about in their magazines!
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[Mark's wedding is due to start and he's still hiding in the church]
Mark Corrigan : [checking his phone] How many missed calls have you got?
Jeremy Usborne : [checks his phone] 28.
Mark Corrigan : That's bullshit, I've got 73!
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Jeremy Usborne : OK, let's go. Fuck Super Hans, he'll be fine, let's leave him.
Mark Corrigan : Do you think we can leave him in that toilet, lying in his various liquids?
Jeremy Usborne : Well, obviously, it's not what either of us would ideally like to do.
Mark Corrigan : No one wanted to drop the bomb on Hiroshima but in the end it probably saved more lives than if they hadn't.
Jeremy Usborne : Exactly.
