Quotes
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Mark Corrigan : So, have you got kids?
Foz : Not yet. Why?
Mark Corrigan : Oh, no reason. I mean, I love kids. Not in a bad way, in a nice way. I mean, I'm not on the Child Protection Register... yet. Which proves I'm not a paedo!
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : This is going horribly. Need a joke.
[to Foz and Sally]
Mark Corrigan : Either that or I'm an incredibly hard-to-detect paedo!
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : Just move on from the paedo area entirely!
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Mark Corrigan : [arriving at his school reunion disco] Here they all are, my tormentors.
Jeremy Usborne : Hope Nancy gets here soon. This is going to be perfect, she won't know anyone except me.
Mark Corrigan : That's Faisal Butt. He used to call me a "flod". I think it was a mixture between a flid and a spod. That's Foz. He used to sit behind me in French and put bacon on my shoulders. That's Terry Carpenter. One of the more sophisticated bullies. Pretended I was Thatcher and he was Heseltine and that I needed ousting.
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Mark Corrigan : Haven't you got work in the morning?
Jeremy Usborne : Oh yeah, that's really gonna break his balls if I roll in an hour late. Mark, this is Russell Orgazoid, he's a creative, I'm a creative. We don't make steam engines out of pig iron in this country anymore, yeah? We hang out, we fuck around on the Playstation, we have some Ben & Jerry's, that's how everyone makes their money now, yeah?
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[Jeremy has told Mark that his job working as a Handyman for Russell "The Orgazoid" involves giving him handjobs]
Jeremy Usborne : And now I don't know what to do, cos on the one hand... On the one hand it's a really good job, but on the other I don't really want to go back to that place or have anything to do with him.
Mark Corrigan : God, that's a really tough decision.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : Stay! Stay so I can use the house!
Jeremy Usborne : I got Super Hans to fill in yesterday, said I was sick. There's loads needs doing before he comes back but I just feel a bit dirty, you know?
Mark Corrigan : Mmm, yeah, I know what you mean, I feel the same sometimes when I come back from JLB and I've had to do loads of spreadsheets.
Jeremy Usborne : I don't think it is the same, Mark. I feel like my soul is being chipped away bit by bit.
Mark Corrigan : Welcome to the world of work, Jeremy. You know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.
Jeremy Usborne : And you don't have to be a smackhead to wank off old geezers but that probably helps too.
[the doorbell rings. Jeremy answers it - it's Super Hans]
Super Hans : Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?
Jeremy Usborne : Sorry, I didn't think.
Super Hans : Well, you should have bloody thought. Jesus!
Jeremy Usborne : Did you do it?
Super Hans : Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?
Nancy : What's going on? Who's wanking who off?
Super Hans : Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.
Jeremy Usborne : No, I haven't! It's not...
Nancy : [smiling] Jeremy, that is so you! I always knew you'd end up doing something like that.
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Mark Corrigan : As you're always saying, the Beastie Boys fought and possibly died for my right to party.
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Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh my God. There she is, lovely Sally Slater. I should speak to her. But what the hell can I say? Anything that doesn't mention I masturbate over her memory is probably good. I mean, I think that's a compliment but women just don't seem to want to hear it. No, just spend the evening looking longingly at her from a distance, just like the good old days.
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[Mark has just called Sally]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Great call. Flirty but friendly, didn't overstep the mark. I could show Sophie the transcript. Maybe I should start taping my phone calls. No, Mark, that's how they got Nixon!
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Jeremy Usborne : What's going on? Are you trying to get your end away while Sophie's not here?
Mark Corrigan : Sophie has not called me once yet, so there is actually a perfectly valid excuse for what I'm almost certainly not going to try to do, OK?
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Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] What do you do to avoid lion attack? Soil yourself? Or is that grizzly bears? Hate to shit myself for no reason *and* get eaten. The final humiliation.
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Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] What am I doing? This isn't me, I can't have an affair! I'm not French, I'm the least French person on the planet, my favourite cheeses are Cheddar and Red Leicester!
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Mark Corrigan : Look, I've been invited to the Polefield School reunion at a school disco club and...
Jeremy Usborne : But they all hated you at Polefield.
Mark Corrigan : Well, the vast majority but there were some crumbs of comfort - the chess players, the poor and the posh-voiced. We formed a sub-strata, a secret society, below the radar of the norms.
Jeremy Usborne : The norms?
Mark Corrigan : The normalos. The Norman forces. Our oppressors.
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Jeremy Usborne : OK, if Sally was sitting here now and she said "Mark, let's do it" what would you say?
Mark Corrigan : If she promised she wasn't a Glenn Close type and happened to have a recent clean AIDS certificate?
Jeremy Usborne : Yes.
Mark Corrigan : That's a hypothetical question. I don't answer hypothetical questions.
