- Mark Corrigan: [has just shot down a pheasant] I got it! I got one, I got one!
- Jeremy Usborne: [unimpressed] Congratulations. You've killed a sentient being.
- Ian Chapman: Well done, Mark. But you only winged it.
- [the pheasant is lying on the ground, twitching]
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, is that not...?
- Ian Chapman: No, you've got to finish it off.
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, right.
- [he points his shotgun at it]
- Ian Chapman: No, don't shoot it! God!
- Mark Corrigan: [raising his foot above it] What, shall I?
- Ian Chapman: Don't stamp on it! Jesus. Wring its neck.
- Mark Corrigan: Its neck?
- Ian Chapman: Yes, wring its neck, it's suffering.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] This is the ultimate good impression test. If I can do this, I'll never have to carve a chicken or discuss spark plugs or prove I love his daughter.
- [he picks up the pheasant]
- Ian Chapman: Now, be careful you don't...
- [Mark accidentally wrenches the bird's head off. Blood spurts out]
- Ian Chapman: Oh, Mark. You've pulled its bloody head off.
- Mark Corrigan: [horrified] There's blood all over me!
- [Sophie appears with a bag]
- Sophie Chapman: Teas, coffees for the huntsmen!
- Jeremy Usborne: No teas for the beastmaster, thanks. He feasts on the blood of his prey.
- Mark Corrigan: Oh my God, you didn't! You fucked her! Jeremy, you need chemical castration, you're out of control! That's Sophie's mother!
- Jeremy Usborne: She's hot.
- Mark Corrigan: She's not out of Hollyoaks, Jeremy, she probably had a ration book! Oh, you're a piece of work, aren't you? I'm down the pub putting the hours in with the dad and you're back at the house banging the mum! That is not a good impression.
- Jeremy Usborne: I don't know, I think I made a pretty good impression.
- Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, please, don't smile like that. You're not James Bond, you're disgusting!
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] I am James Bond.
- [Mark and Jeremy are in a field with Sophie's dad, who is using a metal detector and wearing headphones]
- Jeremy Usborne: So come on, Mark, why haven't you told her yet?
- Mark Corrigan: Shh! He can hear.
- Jeremy Usborne: He can't hear.
- [to Ian]
- Jeremy Usborne: Can you, you big fox-hunting, badger-baiting, tweed shirt, bumfuck homophobe?
- [Ian turns to them, taking his headphones off]
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Oh, shit.
- Ian Chapman: [holding up a bottle cap] Bottle cap. Another one for the collection.
- [he puts his headphones back on and carries on with the metal detector]
- Jeremy Usborne: So, come on. Are you having second thoughts?
- Mark Corrigan: I don't know, maybe. I mean, she's so nice. So what if I don't really love her? Charles didn't really love Diana and they were all right. Sort of.
- Ian Chapman: [still wearing his headphones] You don't really love Sophie?
- Mark Corrigan: What? No.
- Ian Chapman: That's what you said.
- Mark Corrigan: No, I didn't.
- Ian Chapman: Yes, you did.
- Mark Corrigan: No, no, because of distortion, there was probably a buzz. There might an ancient Saxon coin right here...
- [he gets down and starts sifting through the mud]
- Ian Chapman: Stop it, Mark. I heard every word. And for the record, Jeremy, I may be a homophobe, but I'm no badger baiter.
- Sophie Chapman: [picking out a T-shirt with Mao Tze-tung on it] What about this?
- Mark Corrigan: You do know who that is, don't you?
- Sophie Chapman: Yeah, it's Chairman Mao, isn't it?
- Mark Corrigan: Exactly, the man was responsible for the deaths of 60 million people. I don't want him on my chest.
- Sophie Chapman: 60 million, that's more than Stalin, isn't it?
- Mark Corrigan: It's not a competition, Soph. Although if it was, Mao would probably win.
- Penny Chapman: You look different from your photo, is the beard new?
- Sophie Chapman: I thought it would give him a bit of edge. And we're thinking of going short with the hair soon, too.
- Penny Chapman: Makes you look handsome, like a policeman.
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, thank you. You're obviously very attractive too.
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: Ugh, what next? Am I gonna tell her she's got lovely tits?
- Jeremy Usborne: So, I like your barn, Ian.
- Ian Chapman: It's full of crap no one has any use for. Maybe that's why I feel so at home here. Ha.
- [Ian suspects Penny is having sex with one of his neighbours]
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Oh, thank you, Dan, whoever you are.
- Ian Chapman: Penny's probably been doing his curtains all day. "Out you lot go, I'm ramming Dan." Oh yeah, it was Ramadan at his place today, but he's no Muslim.
- [Mark and Jez are in the guest bedroom at Sophie's parents' house. Someone knocks on the door, Mark thinks it's Sophie and doesn't want to see her]
- Mark Corrigan: [whispering] Snore!
- Jeremy Usborne: What?
- [Mark starts making snoring noises, Jez copies him. The door opens; it's Sophie's mother]
- Penny Chapman: I heard you snoring, but you're not asleep.
- Mark Corrigan: No, just... practising.
- Jeremy Usborne: Look, it was really nice of Sophie inviting me but I've actually got loads of really important stuff I need to do this weekend.
- Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, a carton of Mars Bar milk, a small bag of marijuana and a pirated DVD of Anchorman is not important stuff.
- [Mark and Jeremy are going bird shooting with Sophie's dad]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh God, the first fiancee challenge and I've got a gun. An actual gun. It's OK, it's perfectly normal, this is the country, this is what farmers do, they go around shooting crows and trespassers, and eventually, because of the EU, themselves.
- Ian Chapman: [handing Mark a pint of beer] There you go. It's got a bit of a head on, but I'm sure you'll see to that in a hurry.
- Sophie Chapman: Oh Dad, don't go on about it. It was horrible.
- Ian Chapman: There it is, Dan's barn.
- Mark Corrigan: Or you could just post something negative on the internet or blank him in the post office, that would send out a pretty horrible message.
- Ian Chapman: This is the law of the jungle, this is an eye for an eye.
- Mark Corrigan: And you're sure you're poking the right man in the eye?
- Ian Chapman: [holding up a Molotov cocktail] Light it.
- [Mark lights the rag stuffed into the glass bottle filled with petrol. Ian runs towards the barn]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Well, this is not what I expected. You think you'll be playing Simpsons Monopoly and you end up an arsonist. Still, at least it's not me he's trying to incinerate.
- Jeremy Usborne: What was all that about, trying to get him to poke me in the eye? Let him poke Dan in the eye!
- Mark Corrigan: Right, so instead of facing up to your responsibilities, poor old Dan's going to wake up with his barn burnt, saying goodbye to his no-claims bonus.
- [Ian throws the bottle into the barn and it rapidly goes up in flames]
- Jeremy Usborne: Look, stop moaning. We're out with a man who owns guns, you're chucking his daughter and I've screwed his wife. Tonight is going, if a bit weird, extremely fucking well for us.
- Mark Corrigan: I suppose you're right. Plus maybe burning stuff is, not normal, but less of a big deal out here than it is in a major conurbation.
- Jeremy Usborne: Exactly. I nick your milk, you burn my barn.
- Mark Corrigan: Like scrumping, for apples.
- Ian Chapman: [runs back to them] That's teach him to put his dick where it's not wanted!
- Jeremy Usborne: Yeah, take that, barny!
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh God, I'm a firestarter, a twisted firestarter!
- Penny Chapman: Come back soon.
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Yeah right, so your husband can kill me and your son can worship my stuffed corpse and you can wheel me out for a fuck? No thank you!
- Jeremy Usborne: [watching the news about Tony Blair's resignation] But what's Blair going to do?
- Super Hans: Maybe he'll become an ethical porn star.
- Jeremy Usborne: Or a supergroup. Blair on guitar, Bono on vocals, Clinton on sax.
- Super Hans: Yeah, that is defintely going to happen. Geldof's gonna shit.