- Dr. Perry Cox: [Carla tells bad joke] You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable at just how unfunny that actually was.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: So what, I'm not funny?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Why I think you're very funny... WHEN you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse. You know, as long as you stay right in you wheel house.
- [Dr. Cox begins walking through the room]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck; your husband does it when he's sarcastic.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Ya know, I do what I do when I do what I do.
- Dr. Perry Cox: The Janitor is amusing because quite frankly he's insane
- The Janitor: [walks by with tiny boots that look like they are for a baby on his hands] I made shoes for my bunny.
- Dr. Perry Cox: [walks over the J.D] And Alice here, well she can turn a phrase. and I'm assuming because I called you Alice you're thinking of me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
- [Dr. Cox appears as Alice from the Brady Bunch then looks at J.D]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Aren't ya?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: He was.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Now some people just have funny names, for instance, Dr. Beardface, Dr. McHead, Colonel Doctor, and of course Snoop Dogg intern.
- Snoop Dogg Intern: [grabs his white coat] Hey, Hey.
- Dr. Perry Cox: My bad, Snoop Dogg resident. The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the Hospital Sad sack.
- Ted Buckland: I am?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Yes Ted.
- Ted Buckland: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
- Dr. Perry Cox: And me I'm just funny because I commit C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T...
- [makes the notion of sipping tea]
- Dr. Perry Cox: -TEA. And I also do silly rants. But there is just one man who is funny, no matter what he says.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: [Kelso enters] Are my undergarments made of wool because my WEASLES getting heat stroke?
- Dr. Perry Cox: The point is please don't tell anymore jokes.
- Ted Buckland: I'm not a sadsack am I?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ted, your pen exploded!
- Ted Buckland: [looks at his shirt with a large blue stain on it] Awwwwww
- [looks at is blue hand on his head]
- Ted Buckland: AWWWWWWWWW!
- Private Brian Dancer: Can you sign this picture? I promise I'll put it up in my barracks.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Do you want me to start with how I still can't walk straight and then segue into an anecdote about how you played my tush like a bongo until I cried out in pleasure-pain?
- Private Brian Dancer: What?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: All your army buddies are going to see it. I assume you want it filthy.
- Private Brian Dancer: Oh no, filthy's fine.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] After Elliot told us that she had attempted suicide, I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.
- [out loud]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Was it because I broke up with you?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: No, J.D.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, good, good, good, good.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm not even sure why I did it. I guess things just catch up with you, you know... you get lonely, you're not happy with what's happening in your life and...
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ...an amazing guy breaks up with you...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., this is not about you! I was 16!
- Private Brian Dancer: So, how'd you try it?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Brian!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Please, you're dying to know...
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, I am not! When Elliot...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla... it's fine. I was all into poetry back then, you know... Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf... I know, shocker. Well, they both killed themselves. Plath stuck her head in the oven, but that was not an option for me because every time my head gets hot I need to pee, and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine. Not again... not after the prom fiasco...
- Dr. Perry Cox: If you're still not sure why you tried to off yourself, I'm starting to get a pretty clear picture over here...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: So, I decided to do it like Virginia Woolf: I walked into a lake and tried to drown myself. Got up early on a Saturday, put on my bikini...
- Private Brian Dancer: Whoa... why would you wear a bikini?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, my one-piece was in the back of Coach Pongetti's car. That story informs this one, but I'm not going to tell it... Anyhow, I swam out to the middle of the lake and I couldn't bring myself to go under, so I just started, you know, floating around, waiting to get tired and then... Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! I got hit in the head by four oars as our school's rowing team passed by and then they just picked me out of the lake and took me home.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: [realizing Turk's gonna fart] Oh no... Turk, I know that look... don't you dare toot while Elliot is baring her soul.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: But baby, the pressure's building. No one on Earth is this uncomfortable.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Maybe you not being able to have sex tonight is karmic payback for having sex with Stacy.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: J.D., drop it.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: What happened that night?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: This is how I remember it.
- [J.D.'s flashback starts; as he speaks, events take place in a sort of footage]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I was coming back from class and outside our room I heard...
- Stacy Blue: [flashback, in J.D.'s high-pitched voice] Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [flashback] So, I opened the door and I see you and Stacy. So I said "Get off my girl before I kick your ass so deep you're gonna be crapping out Keds for a week!". Then you said...
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback, in J.D.'s mocking voice] Chill out, dawg! You know you're my boyeeeee! This ain't be what it looks like... a'ight?
- [J.D.'s flashback ends]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: But it wasn't "a'ight", was it, Turk?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: This is what really happened.
- [Turk's flashback starts; as he speaks, events take place in a sort of footage]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Stacy and I were waiting for you to come back from class, and she said...
- Stacy Blue: [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice] Hey, we should have a water-balloon fight!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] We got all wet from the water balloons and Stacy was like...
- Stacy Blue: [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice] Uh, I'm cold... let's take off all our clothes and get under the covers and warm up.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] Then you came back from your class and you heard Stacy say...
- Stacy Blue: [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice, as Turk makes a basketball spin around on his finger] Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] Then you came in and said...
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [flashback, in Turk's mocking voice] Ah... hey guys...
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] "Calm down, J.D.: this isn't what it looks like". Then I said "All right?"
- [Turk's flashback ends]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Nothing happened. So drop it.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No balloons! And we didn't even have a basketball!
- Dr. Perry Cox: [writing on a prescription pad] Here is the name of a really good therapist.
- Private Brian Dancer: Look I know. You think I owe it to myself...
- Dr. Perry Cox: Please! Who cares about you? Never mind the fact that we've been busting our asses trying to take care of you every day for the last three weeks. I mean for God's sake, if I had known back then that you were just gonna go ahead and give up, I'd have saved myself a huge hassle, smothered you with a pillow, and spend all my extra time catching up on Newbie's pathetic blog.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [thinking] Oh my God, he referenced me in a tough love speech! Stop smiling!
- Dr. Perry Cox: So no Brian, no. You don't owe anything to yourself, but... you damn sure owe each one of us.
- Private Brian Dancer: [humbly taking the note] Fine. I'll call him.