- [first lines]
- Hugh Panetta: Good morning Doug. Know what I'm gonna say? Guess.
- Wayne Malloy: [pretending to be Doug Rich] I have no idea.
- Hugh Panetta: Go on, guess.
- Wayne Malloy: [pretending to be Doug Rich] Well... you're in love with me.
- Hugh Panetta: No.
- Wayne Malloy: [pretending to be Doug Rich] I want to be a partner, Hugh. I want to sign partnership papers with a Panco pen. I want to learn the Panco secret handshake. I want to get the keys to some partners only, executive bathroom, where the oragami's ... cut out of ... origami shapes. I want to wipe my ass with a swan, Hugh.
- Hugh Panetta: Not even I get to wipe my ass with a swan, Doug. Okay, man. I'm gonna marinade it over. Weigh the pros and cons. Let you know real soon. In the meantime, you need to invite me to a dinner.
- Wayne Malloy: [pretending to be Doug Rich] A dinner?
- Hugh Panetta: Exactly. A dinner. You invite me over. I'll check out your house, your friends, your family. See if you're partnership material.
- Wayne Malloy: Speaking of strangers, where the hell is your mother?
- Sam Malloy: You said she was with her friend.
- Wayne Malloy: She is. She's with her old friend Chunky K.
- Di Di Malloy: I'm sorry, but does anyone else think that the name Chunky K is hilarious?
- Cael Malloy: Better than Fatty K.
- Wayne Malloy: Well, she was Fatty K, then Jenny Craig got involved.
- Sam Malloy: You know, we really shouldn't make fun of Mom's friend.
- Wayne Malloy: We're not making fun of her. That's her name. Ms. Chunky K. If I was to call her Ms. Slightly Heavy K, then that would be making fun of her. But she prefers Chunky, that's how she introduced herself.
- Sam Malloy: Can I ask you a question?
- Chunky K: Hit me.
- Sam Malloy: What were you in prison for?
- Wayne Malloy: That's private, Sam.
- Chunky K: There's nothing private about me. You are like my family. In fact, just call me, Aunt Chunky.
- Cael Malloy: Okay, Aunt Chunky.
- Di Di Malloy: Yeah, that sounds good, Aunt Chunky.
- Chunky K: I committed a murder, Sam.
- Wayne Malloy: [to Dahlia about Chunky K] She is a risk. And a little freaky. And I think she's on drugs. Not to be critical.
- Dahlia Malloy: [about Chunky L] She got a job, baby. She is the weekend supervisor at a sewerage treatment facility. Don't you make fun of her.
- Wayne Malloy: I'm not making fun of her. When I was little, I too wanted to supervise sewerage on the weekend.
- Dahlia Malloy: It was the best job she could get.
- Chunky K: [to Dahlia] I want a job I can make a living out of. Supervising sewerage on the weekend doesn't pay my bills.
- Hugh Panetta: [Sam, pretending to be Sam Rich comes downstairs to a formal dinner in a dress.] Who's this pretty lady? And where's your other son, Doug? Didn't you say you have two?
- Wayne Malloy: [pretending to be Doug Rich] This is my son, Hugh. This is Sam.
- Nina: I hear he loves the theatre.
- Di Di Malloy: [pretending to be Di Di Rich] Oh, yes, he does. We're actually just on our way to the school play after we finish eating. Isn't that right, Sam?
- [Sam nods in agreement]
- Hugh Panetta: Well, sorry, partner, I didn't recognize you as a member of the B-Team.
- Sam Malloy: [pretending to be Sam Rich] What's the B-Team?
- Hugh Panetta: Boys. The boys' team.
- Hugh Panetta: You want to be a partner?
- Wayne Malloy: [pretending to be Doug Rich] That's what I went to law school for.
- Hugh Panetta: [to Chunky K] I want you to think of three adjectives that describe Doug and Cherien. And if I like your adjectives, I'm gonna make Doug here a partner. If I don't, he's out on the street.
- Dahlia Malloy: [pretending to be Cherien Rich, walking in on Hugh and Chunky K] Jesus Christ, Chunky!
- Hugh Panetta: What's wrong with you? Shut the God damn door!
- Wayne Malloy: [pretending to be Doug Rich] You want to make me a partner, right now, right here?
- Hugh Panetta: Why the hell not?
- Wayne Malloy: [pretending to be Doug Rich] Maybe later.
- Wayne Malloy: [to Dahlia] I wanted to be a partner. There's my partner lying on the ground. Something about it makes me sick to my stomach.
- Chunky K: You want some?
- Dahlia Malloy: No.
- Chunky K: If you decide you do want some, I'll just leave it right there for you.
- Dahlia Malloy: Go!
- Chunky K: So stop me then.
- Wayne Malloy: Does it matter?
- Nina: If my husband's gay.
- Wayne Malloy: It doesn't matter to me
- Nina: Well, you're not his wife.