- George Lopez: [to Benny] Okay, Mom, we got you a cake, huh? Make a wish.
- Benny: Let's see, I'm about to go on trial for an armed robbery that my ex-boyfriend committed. Oh, yesterday, I washed underwear for 600 women and my cell mate's delousing didn't take. I wish for a pony.
- George Lopez: He's not staying the night at our house again.
- Veronica: You'd rather we went to a sleazy motel?
- George Lopez: I'll make the reservation.
- Veronica: [a large bunny's at their picnic table] Tell me this is stuffed, and not Mike in a bunny suit.
- George Lopez: I didn't think of that. Mike, are you in there?
- [grabs golf club]
- George Lopez: Mike?
- [clubs the rabbit in the crotch]
- George Lopez: It's stuffed, or I got him.
- Angie Lopez: [to George] It's your mom's birthday. We promised to visit her in jail.
- George Lopez: Hey, this is gonna be tough on her. She hasn't had a birthday without booze or men since she was 8.
- George Lopez: Angie, we'll deal with your screwed up family later. We gotta get to the jail for my mom's birthday party.
- Veronica: I'm tired of dating guys my age. They play games and I wind up getting hurt. At least with Mike, I know it's not serious. We're just having fun. It's casual.
- George Lopez: And what about Mike's wife? Is she having fun too?
- Veronica: Oh, his wife doesn't get him anymore. She has trust issues. Every time he's working late, she thinks he's cheating.
- George Lopez: Maybe next time you're hiding under the bed, you can slide out and explain it to her.
- Veronica: Uncle George, I can handle it, okay?
- George Lopez: No, you can't. You're in way over your head.
- [to Angie]
- George Lopez: Look, I told you we'd end up raising another kid, and we can't even punish her by sending her to her room because then she has high def and surround sound. I mean, I guess I could program it to two-channel stereo, but then everybody loses.
- George Lopez: [after Mike shows up at the Lopez house looking for Veronica] Dude, leave my niece alone. Man, you're married! And why do you have a suitcase?
- Mike: I just left my wife. I love you, Veronica. Now nothing stands between us being together.
- George Lopez: There is one thing: WAAPAHH!
- [shuts the door in his face]
- George Lopez: [as he watches Veronica and Mike talking to each other] All right, that's enough. I'm getting rid of this guy right now.
- Angie Lopez: No, they're talking it out. If it gets out of control, then we intervene.
- George Lopez: You love this.
- Angie Lopez: What are you talking about?
- George Lopez: All the drama! You love being surrounded by crazy people so you can fix 'em because you're the drama queen, and this is your kingdom.
- Angie Lopez: I know you're upset, but you're starting to annoy me.
- George Lopez: And that'd be what, more drama? Hmm, good news for the queen.
- George Lopez: [to Veronica when Mike calls her again] Every time you talk to him, you're just encouraging him. You gotta get inside the stalker's mind. I knew this guy who was so in love with this woman. He followed her to work, left notes on her car, camped out at her house. I finally had to say, "Look, if you don't knock this off, Ernie, you're gonna go to jail!"
- Angie Lopez: That was a really uncomfortable summer for me.
- George Lopez: [after Mike appears in Veronica's bedroom] What the hell are you doing here?
- Mike: Hey, this is none of your business.
- George Lopez: My niece, my business.
- Mike: [pushes George away] Take your hands off me.
- George Lopez: Look, there's not gonna be any fighting. Just relax, all right? Let's talk about this like two civilized...
- [hits Mike]
- George Lopez: [to Angie and Veronica] I just lost the element of surprise! Call 9-1-1!
- Veronica: Mike's gonna be in jail for a couple of days and I can get a restraining order tomorrow.
- Angie Lopez: Well, I hope you learned your lesson.
- George Lopez: You don't get to say that. You didn't throw down with some British dressmaker. Sewing must make your hands strong because that dude almost choked me out.