- John Tit: John Tit reporting. I'm here reporting in the very place where, only yesterday, the man who keeps setting fire to television reporters has claimed yet another victim.
- [Is promptly set on fire]
- Huge Scullery: Now we can go to Bristol for news of an earlier story. I believe that there, in Bristol, you have news of a duck that does nothing.
- Bristol Reporter: Uh, no. We've got a pheasant that roller skates and a man who sits in trees and shits on passers-by.
- Huge Scullery: That's, um... that's not the person who eats trees by any chance?
- Bristol Reporter: Uh... no, I don't think so.
- First Soccer Fan: What are we doing at a Women's International soccer match?
- Second Soccer Fan: Wait.
- First Soccer Fan: It's terrible!
- Second Soccer Fan: Wait.
- First Soccer Fan: Right. Well, it's over. What happens now?
- Second Soccer Fan: What always happens at the end of an International.
- [audience bursts into applause as the women remove their jerseys, exposing their breasts]
- Angry Ranter: I tell ya! The other thing... the OTHER thing they're always trying to palm you off with in the Sunday bloody... color supplement... is all this bloody digital bloody electronic sort of crap! You know, calculators and watches and all that! But you still get these twits on Tomorrow's World or what-have-you with their diddy sort of chip sort of things on their fingers, you know, they come in: 'I have here, on the end of my finger, a revolutionary little piece of technology that will change all our lives.' And you can't bloody see it! They could be lying half the time! And you'd never know! There's probably hundreds of fraudulent professors wandering about with their fingers in the air, saying 'oooh, look what I found!'
- Sir George Bennett: I couldn't get a taxi; they're full of bloody fat Arabs. And I couldn't get on the tube; full of six-foot Swedes with rucksacks, you know. And then I got on a bus, and the bloody bus was stopped by a couple of Americans going to Madame Tussaud's of all places! Bloody foreigners! I can't stand them! Sorry, sorry.
- Huge Scullery: Sir George, you are, of course, Chairman of the London Transport Board.
- Sir George Bennett: No, no. I'm Chairman of the London Tourist Board.
- Huge Scullery: Oh, the London Tourist Board. Yes. I'm sorry, but everyone must be dying to know how a person like you could possibly be appointed to your job.
- Sir George Bennett: Yes, they must be. I hate the bastards!
- Talking Head: Ronald Reagan, preparing to take over at the White House, has been having lessons on how to tell the difference between George Bush and an azalea bush.
- Talking Head: Police hunting the individuals who threatened to kill Mrs. Thatcher say that their investigations are making good progress, and that forty-seven million people are helping them with their inquiries.
- Talking Head: Housing: and Irish architects have designed a house for people who have lots of junk. It's a bungalow with five basements.
- Talking Head: News for horse lovers: and there was excitement for Lady Diana Spencer today, when her hat blew off during a ride with Prince Charles. On hearing the news, the Duke of Edenborough said, that's my boy!
- Talking Head: And later in the program, we'll be having a look at a day in the life of a prominent marriage guidance counselor.
- [cuts to a shot of Pope John Paul II]
- Sue Lowley: With me in the studio is Amon Rogers, who eats trees.
- Douglas Adams: I'm Douglas Adams.
- Sue Lowley: And how many trees have you eaten so far?
- Douglas Adams: Well, none. See, I've written a book, actually.
- Sue Lowley: Oh, you've written a book about eating trees as well.
- Douglas Adams: No, it's called "How To Get Your Book Plugged On Television."
- Butler: Sir, the Prime Minister and Mr. John Cleese.
- [Prime Minister and John Cleese enter]
- King George II: Ah, Mr. Prime Minister! Mr. Cleese! What news from Parliament?
- Prime Minister: Much as ever, my lord.
- [walks to window and opens the curtains, showing an industrial wasteland]
- TV Pitchman: Add a little irony...
- Prime Minister: The country is prosperous. The people are happy.
- [closes the curtains]
- TV Pitchman: ... and we can get rid of the celebrity.
- [John Cleese gets up and leaves without saying a word]
- King George II: Strange fellow, that Cleese.
- Prime Minister: But amusing, I find him.
- King George II: You know Thomas, of course.
- Prime Minister: Ah, yes yes, of course. I believe we met, in, um...
- TV Pitchman: Turn on the Minority/Racial Interest...
- Prime Minister: ... Puerto Rico! Ayyyyyyy!
- Thomas Arkwright: Ayyyyyyyy!
- [they high five]