The Thick of It (TV Series)

The Rise of the Nutters (2007)

Paul Higgins: Jamie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : [preparing Ben for going on TV again]  Get him properly fucking screen-tested! I'm sorry, mate, but you need a lot of powder. I've never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head!

  Ben Swain : No, I've lost my... erm... safety...

  Malcolm Tucker : Who was it that did your media training? Myra Hindley? It's terrible! All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!

  Ben Swain : Yes, I know all that. It just, kinda, fell away. It's like one of those dreams when you're wandering around Covent Garden with just a west and everyone's staring at you.

  Jamie : It was much worse than that. I mean, how many people see you at Covent Garden? A few thousands? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people! That's more people than saw Al Jolson in his fucking career! And that's Al fucking Jolson!

  Malcolm Tucker : He loves Al Jolson.

  Jamie : The Guvnor!

  Oliver Reeder : Maaameee!

  Jamie : You take the piss out of Al Jolson again and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath and push it up your cock! Then I'll put some speakers up your arse and put it on shuffle with my fucking fist. And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls!

• Malcolm Tucker : [coughing after smoking a cigar]  Oh... That's like smoking dead skin, that is!

  Jamie : It's not a proper cigar! Proper cigars are those big Cuban whoppers, that is just a jumped up fag.

  Malcolm Tucker : [Ollie comes over]  Talking of which.

  [to Ollie] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.

  Jamie : Hand-rolled on a thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.

  Oliver Reeder : Yeah, thanks. Malcolm, I just wondered if we could have a quick word, actually. The Opposition have got the week at the coalface idea, they're gonna do it.

  Jamie : Who? When?

  Oliver Reeder : Peter Mannion, I don't know when.

  Malcolm Tucker : How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend! Jesus Christ!

  Jamie : You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago!

  Oliver Reeder : I would have done, I would have done, she IS mad, she's a mental woman but you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her just in case I found anything else!

  Jamie : And what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever! You're David fucking Niven!

• Jamie : [practising an interview with Ben]  Let's see you do your stuff, Mister Television, ha? Immigration is in disarray, what are you going to do about it?

  Ben Swain : Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in disarray...

  Jamie : Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! Panicked already. Shot yourself.

• Jamie : [to Ollie]  So, the girlfriend, she doesn't mind the whole you being gay thing?

• Malcolm Tucker : [a party, Ben comes in]  Oh, here he is. Dead man walking.

  Jamie : [blinking and making faces]  "I-I-I-I wish you stopped saying that!" What's your favorite band? Blink 182?

• Jamie : Will this help to fuck the Nutters or not?

  Julius Nicholson : Look James, those Nutters, they do not operate in a vacuum. They're part of the party, they're part of government. I mean, Ben Swain is going on Newsnight tonight, God knows what's that gonna throw up.

  Malcolm Tucker : His lunch. I mean, a big nothing, junior Nutter being interviewed by a dwarf hack.

  Julius Nicholson : That is a Paxman interview.

  Malcolm Tucker : No, it's not Paxman. Are you sure of that?

  Julius Nicholson : Yes Malcolm, I'm sure it's Paxman. I've just spoken to Pat Morissy, she's confirmed it half an hour ago.

  Malcolm Tucker : She's ticked this? Well, fine, you know, Paxman, I mean he's lost his teeth anyway, he's like Russel fucking Hearty these days.

  Jamie : Without the element of danger.

  Malcolm Tucker : [after the meeting]  What happened to my tick?

  Jamie : I don't know.

  Malcolm Tucker : God, I just got it and now Pat's taken it away! It's a two-ticks system and she gets both fucking ticks!

  Jamie : Pumpkin-ticks.

  Malcolm Tucker : She's got a fucking enormous box as well.

• Jamie : [after the PM's announced his resignation]  You fucking dick! This is all down to you, you know!

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, don't be so fucking stupid!

  Jamie : You're a fucking Nutter!

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm not a Nutter!

  Jamie : Oh, you are going Nutter, mate!

• Malcolm Tucker : What is going on with this coalface bullshit, Terri?

  Terri Coverley : What this? What this? I don't understand...

  Malcolm Tucker : The Opposition fat-fighting immigration.

  Terri Coverley : There was an official request this afternoon from Stewart Pearson, their PR guy. I saw no legitimate reason to stop it, so... And he was very nice.

  Malcolm Tucker : He was nice?

  Terri Coverley : Good manners cost nothing, Malcolm. Just because you two were raised by Scottish wolves!

  Malcolm Tucker : Jesus Christ! Is it this fucking easy to get into your knickers? 'Cause if I was you, I would go down to the clap clinic and get them have a good look up you!

  Terri Coverley : Listen, I followed procedure!

  Jamie : What about the two ticks?

  Terri Coverley : I didn't have to do the two ticks! I put a memo through to Julius, he ok-d it and it is going ahead!

• Jamie : PM's fucking resigned! He was getting of a plane in Sunderland and he announced it! There's gonna be a full statement at five, but that's it. He's gonna act as care-taker for one month but he's fucking gone! Goodbye and thanks for all the varicose veins!

• Malcolm Tucker : [to Ben]  Jamie's gonna stay with you, ok? He'll be by your side until the interview is over, even if you take a dump.

  Jamie : Even if I take a dump, eh? And I shit alot... Smoking and a fast metabolism.

  Ben Swain : Well, fantastic, we'll spend the day defecating together. It's the glamor of this job that I so much enjoy.

• Jamie : [to Ben, after the disastrous Newsnight performance]  You don't deserve to live!

• Oliver Reeder : Well, just check the lines with Pat Morissy, then we'll...

  Jamie : Pat Morissy?

  Oliver Reeder : Yeah.

  Jamie : What, Fat Pat? Pumpkin-tits?

  Oliver Reeder : Yeah. Pat and Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now.

  [to Tucker] 

  Oliver Reeder : Well you get a tick as well, obviously.

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, obviously. Well that's very very nice of them, that's very fucking big of them. I get a tick?

  Oliver Reeder : It's two ticks for a green light, basically.

  Malcolm Tucker : Pat Morissy. The Communications is full of Nutters this days!

  Jamie : As soon as the PM said he'll be gone inside of a year the Nutters start popping-up like mela-fucking-noma.

  Malcolm Tucker : [to Ollie]  See you later. See you in a tick.

  Jamie : [to Ollie]  What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you?

  Oliver Reeder : I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm a nipper.

• Oliver Reeder : [to Jamie and Malcolm]  What are the two of you doing around Richmond Terrace?

  Jamie : Oh, we're slobbing it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldie ball-bag.

• Malcolm Tucker : [on the phone, talking about the "Silly Tucker" article]  The story isn't me, Glenn, ok? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you would remember that, ok?

  Glenn Cullen : You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back, we could give you some cover?

  Malcolm Tucker : Hugh is not coming back, it will look like we're panicking and we're not panicking, but I need you back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking!

  Glenn Cullen : So you want me to interrupt my holiday in a panic so Hugh doesn't have to interrupt his holiday and look like he's panicking?

  Malcolm Tucker : You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me!

  [hangs up. Jamie comes into the office with the article] 

  Jamie : You seen this?

  Malcolm Tucker : No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me!

  Jamie : Allright, allright, what are we doing?

  Malcolm Tucker : What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, because I am not the story here!

  Jamie : You kind of are the story, Malcolm. They spelled your name right and everything.

  Malcolm Tucker : Look, I'm not doing nothing. Not drawing attention to it!

  Jamie : I'm not drawing attention to it.

  Malcolm Tucker : You're drawing MY attention to it!

  [Jamie looks at the article] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Stop looking at it!

  Jamie : Allright, allright, we'll stay frozen to the fucking phone, we'll send the media to Coventry, that will help.

  Malcolm Tucker : That WILL help, that is the way I wanna play it, ok? I'm going for a walk.

  Jamie : A walk?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, what, I don't need your fucking permission to go for a walk!

  Jamie : No,no.

  Malcolm Tucker : I can go for a walk?

  Jamie : Yeah, I just never seen you going for a walk before.

  Malcolm Tucker : How do you think I get in here in the morning? How do I get from the front door to here, I fucking walk, don't I?

  Jamie : Yeah, but you don't go FOR a walk.

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm away for a walk!

• Peter Mannion : Do I know you? Don't you work for somebody famous? Malcolm Hamish McDeath?

  Jamie : It's Peter Onion, isn't it?

  Peter Mannion : [laughs]  That's right.

  Jamie : I alway forget, are you the forced abortion or the lovechild? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?

  Peter Mannion : Just the lovechild. I was the quite one.