Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Walnuts and Demerol (2006)

Ryan Stiles: Dr. Herb Melnick

Photos 

Quotes 

• Herb : I'm a doctor.

  Kandi : Are you a doctor like Alan, or are you a real doctor?

  Herb : I'm a pediatrician.

  Kandi : Oh, you do feet.

  Herb : No, children.

  Kandi : Isn't that illegal?

• Herb : [stares at Kandi]  Oh, my golly...

• [Alan opens Jake's room] 

  Judith , Herb : [offscreen]  WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

  Alan Harper : Judith, what the hell are you doing?

  Judith : You told me to fight for my man, I'm fighting for my man!

  Herb : Alan, would you please close the door?

  [Alan complies] 

  Alan Harper : Twelve years of marriage, she never fought for *me* from that angle...

• Herb : Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.

  Judith : That's why I need eggnog.

  Herb : Hey! I spent Thanksgiving with *your* parents!

  Alan Harper : Oh, really? Your mom's out of rehab?

  Judith : Yes, my mom's out of rehab.

  Herb : Actually, she kind of jumped the fence.

  Alan Harper : Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law. You might as well get used to it. Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?

  [Judith glares at Alan] 

  Alan Harper : On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.

• Judith : We gotta go! Your parents will be waiting!

  Herb : What do you care? They don't like you, anyway!

• Herb : [to Alan]  You were married to *her*?

  [points at Kandi]