The President of the United States:
Listen up! I'm not going to go down as the President who was in office when the world came to an end, so somebody think of something, and think of it fast!
[
Sips coffee]
The President of the United States:
That is a good cup of joe.
B.O.B.:
[
from trailer]
[
from the sole of the robot's foot, as it's walking]
B.O.B.:
I got him you guys! I got-
[
robot takes a step]
B.O.B.:
Don't worry, I won't let go! I'm wearing him do-
[
robot takes a step]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
Might we ask for your name, madam?
Susan Murphy:
Susan.
B.O.B.:
No, we mean like your monster name. You know, what do people scream when they see you coming? Like "Look out! Here comes...?"
Susan Murphy:
Susan.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
Really?
B.O.B.:
[
spookily] SUUUUSSAAANN! Ooh, I just scared myself! That is scary!
The Missing Link:
[
about Susan] She's speechless!
B.O.B.:
She?
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
Yes. We are in the prescence of the rare female monster.
B.O.B.:
No way! It's a boy; look at his boobies!
The Missing Link:
We need to have a talk.
[
from trailer]
B.O.B.:
[
stuck to the sole of a robot] Hot dogs!
[
grabs the hot dog kiosk]
The President of the United States:
Boys, set the terror level at code brown, 'cause I need to change my pants.
[
from trailer]
Gallaxhar:
Humans of Earth, my quest has led me to your planet. Give it to me now! You should, in no way, take any of this personally. It's just business. Gallaxhar out.
The Missing Link:
Look, you've been letting this quack experiment on you for the last month.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
I'm not a quack! I'm a mad scientist. There is a difference.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
[
about B.O.B] You must forgive my friend, but as you can see, he has no brain.
B.O.B.:
Turns out, you don't need one. Totally overrated! I don't even have to...
[
Starts gasping for air]
B.O.B.:
I forgot how to breathe! Help me, Doctor Cockroach!
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
Suck in, B.O.B.
B.O.B.:
[
breathes normally] Thanks, Doc. You're a life saver.
Susan Murphy:
I can't fight that thing! I never... I can't even...
[
gasping]
Susan Murphy:
I'm hyperventilating... Does anybody have a giant paper bag?
News Reporter:
Once again, a UFO has landed in America, the only country UFOs ever seem to land in.
B.O.B.:
I don't think your parents like me, and I think that Jello gave me a fake phone number.
B.O.B.:
I think he sees us, you guys.
B.O.B.:
[
to alien robot] Greetings! How you doing! Welcome! We are here to destroy you!
B.O.B.:
I may not have a brain, but I have an idea.
B.O.B.:
Derek was dating you too? That two timing jerk!
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
At least the garbage was free.
Susan Murphy:
Sorry Mom. He's a hugger.
The President of the United States:
Oh, what's the point? It's a disaster.
[
Goes to push a huge red button; all the advisors shout "Don't do it"]
Advisor Cole:
That button launches all of our nuclear missiles!
The President of the United States:
Then which button gets me a latte?
Advisor Wedgie:
That would be the other one, sir.
[
Points to an identical button next to the first one; The President pushes it and serves himself a cup of coffee]
The President of the United States:
What idiot designed this thing?
Wilson:
You did, sir.
The President of the United States:
Fair enough. Wilson, fire somebody.
Wilson:
Right away, sir.
Gallaxhar:
[
after his plot to invade Earth has been completely foiled] Oh... Spaceballs!
B.O.B.:
I will see you guys tomorrow!
Gallaxhar:
Quadrant four? Lame.
B.O.B.:
[
Complaining to the monster group] ... I think that Jello gave me a fake phone number.
The Missing Link:
[
while outside for the first time in 50 years] It feels warmer than I remember. Did the Earth get warmer? It would be great to know that... that would be a very convenient truth.
B.O.B.:
I think I at least deserve a chance to be with Derek!
The President of the United States:
Commander, do something violent.
[
Susan wakes up on board Gallaxhar's spaceship in a containment cell]
Gallaxhar:
[
enters on a personal hovercraft] This all must seem strange to you. Waking up in a strange place, wearing strange clothes, and talking to a strange being on a strange hovering device.
Susan Murphy:
Hardly, this isn't the first time this has happened to me.
Gallaxhar:
[
pause, deflated] Wow, you really get around.
B.O.B.:
[
after catching Derek] Derek, You're a selfish jerk, and guess what? I've met someone else. She's limegreen, she has 14 little chunks of pineapple inside of her and she is everything i deserve in life! I'm happy now Derek, without you. It's over!
Derek Dietl:
Susan, you're... you're glowing.
Susan Murphy:
Thank you.
Derek Dietl:
No, I mean you're really glowing! You're green!
Derek Dietl:
What's happening?
Susan Murphy:
You're all shrinking!
Derek Dietl:
No, Susan! You're growing!
Susan Murphy:
Well, make it stop!
Susan Murphy:
[
as she's growing, the others are running away] No, don't go! Please have some champagne while we sort this out!
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
Gentlemen, I'm afraid we're not making a very good first impression.
The Missing Link:
Well, at least I'm talking. First new monster in years, and we couldn't get, like, a wolfman or a mummy? You know, someone I can play cards with.
Susan Murphy:
Oh, thank goodness. A real person. I mean, you are a real person, are you? You're not like one of those part man, part machine things? What do you call those?
General W.R. Monger:
A cyborg?
Susan Murphy:
Aah! You're a cyborg!
The Missing Link:
Wow, look at you. I know what you're thinking: first day in prison, you want to take on the toughest guy in the yard? Well, I'd like to see you try.
Susan Murphy:
But I don't belong here. I'm not a monster! I'm not a danger to anyone or anything!
[
She accidentally hits a helicopter with her hand, causing it to crash]
Helicopter Pilot:
Don't let her get me!
Susan Murphy:
Sorry.
General W.R. Monger:
The prison psychologist has redecorated your cell to make it more comfortable.
[
the cell has a small "Hang in there" poster]
Susan Murphy:
But I don't want a poster. I want a real kitten hanging from a real tree.
General W.R. Monger:
This place is an X-file, wrapped in a cover-up and deep-fried in a paranoid conspiracy.
General W.R. Monger:
Don't think of it as prison. Think of it as a hotel that you can never leave, 'cause it's locked from the outside.
Susan Murphy:
[
Fighting the robot] B.O.B.!
B.O.B.:
What?
Susan Murphy:
Help me!
B.O.B.:
Sorry, I was just staring at this bird over there.
Susan Murphy:
Did you see how strong I was back there? I bet there wasn't a jar in the world I couldn't open.
The Missing Link:
Don't scare Insectosaurus! You'll make him pee himself, and then we'll all be in trouble.
General W.R. Monger:
Oo-ee! Now that's a robot!
Susan Murphy:
It's huge!
General W.R. Monger:
Try not to damage it too much, monsters. I might take it back to the farm.
Susan Murphy:
No, wait! You didn't tell us it was huge!
General W.R. Monger:
Mr. President, I won't lie to you. These are dark times. The odds are against us. We need a Hail Mary pass! We need raw power! We need... monsters!
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
[
Building an atom bomb out of Legos] Oh, Susan. Might you have some uranium on you? Just a smidge.
General W.R. Monger:
[
On walkie-talkie] Revoke Dr. Cockroach's toybox privileges immediately.
Wendy Murphy:
Oh, honey, ever since you were a little baby, I knew... you would save the world from an alien invasion.
Susan Murphy:
Why did I ever thought I needed Derek? I mean, look at all I've done without him. I mean, fighting a giant alien robot? That was me, not him! And it was amazing! Meeting you guys... amazing. Dr. Cockroach, you can walk up walls, and build a super computer out of a pizza box, 2 cans of hairspray...
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
And a paper clip!
Susan Murphy:
Amazing! And you, you hardly need an introduction, you're the Missing Link! You single-handedly carried off 250 co-eds out of Cocoa Beach, and still had enough strength to fight off the National Guard!
The Missing Link:
And the Coast Guard. And also the life guard.
Susan Murphy:
Amazing! And B.O.B. Who else can fall from unimaginable heights and land without a scratch?
B.O.B.:
Link?
Susan Murphy:
You.
B.O.B.:
Amazing!
[
Insectosaurus roars]
The Missing Link:
Good point, Insecto! Don't sell yourself short, Susan.
Susan Murphy:
Oh, I'm not selling myself short, ever again!
Advisor Hawk:
We need our best scientists on this. Somebody call India.
The President of the United States:
Eat lead, robot!
[
Shoots at robot; nothing happens]
The President of the United States:
Turns out it eats lead. I'm brave! I am a brave president!
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
We think the new Susan is the cat's me-WOW!
The Missing Link:
No monster has even gotten out of here.
B.O.B.:
That's not true! The invisible man did.
The Missing Link:
No he didn't. We just told you that so you wouldn't get upset.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
He died of a heart attack twenty-five years ago.
B.O.B.:
NO!
The Missing Link:
Yeah. In that very chair.
[
motions towards an empty chair]
The Missing Link:
He's still there.
B.O.B.:
What happened? Did you find a jar you couldn't open? What was in it? Was it pickles? Where's the giant jar of pickles?
Cuthbert:
I don't know if I can do this, Katie. I have a gymnastics match tomorrow.
Katie:
Relax, it's just like dancing. I'll lead.
Katie:
This is the worst date ever.
The President of the United States:
I must face it alone.
[
Begins walking up stairs and plays 'Axel F' on keyboard]
B.O.B.:
Ouch! My back! Just kidding!
Susan Murphy:
[
to Gallaxhar] And the name is GINORMICA!
[
fires weapon into radiation container]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
By Hawking's chair!
[
B.O.B. picks up a three from a deck of cards, Insectosaurus is standing behind B.O.B]
The Missing Link:
Do you have any...
[
Insectosaurus stomps three times]
The Missing Link:
Threes?
B.O.B.:
Yes! How are you doing this? You're the luckiest guy I know!
The Missing Link:
Luck ain't got nothin' to do with it.
General W.R. Monger:
For 50 years, I've been capturing monsters on the rampage. Meet Insectosaurus - nuclear waste turned him from a harmless grub into a 350 foot tall monster that attacked Tokyo.
[
a woman screams]
General W.R. Monger:
Miss Ronson, please. Here we have the Missing Link.
[
Ronson screams again]
General W.R. Monger:
A frozen fish man frozen for 3000 years that scientists defrosted. He escaped and went back to his old watering hole. This handsome fellow is Dr. Cockroach, PhD.
[
Ronson screams again]
General W.R. Monger:
The most brilliant scientist in the world he invented a machine to give humans the cockroach's ability to survive. Unfortunately there was a side effect. We call this guy the indestructible gelatinous blob.
[
Ronson screams again]
General W.R. Monger:
Will someone get her out of here. Thank you.
[
off-camera sound of Ronson being taken away]
General W.R. Monger:
A genetically altered tomato was combined with a ranch flavored desert topping - the resulting mass gained consciousness.
General W.R. Monger:
Finally, Ginormica - her entire body radiates with pure energy, giving her enormous strength and size.
[
Another scream the same as Ronson's is heard, and it turns out to be the President's]
The President of the United States:
[
composing himself] Continue, General.
B.O.B.:
You're doing great!
Susan Murphy:
I'm doing everything!
Gallaxhar Clone:
[
Offering a laser gun to B.O.B] Would you like a gun?
[
last lines]
The President of the United States:
Who wants to freeze my head?
Susan Murphy:
I can't believe it! Soon I'll be back in Derek's arms... or... he'll be in mine.
The Missing Link:
Ahh I can't wait for spring break back at Coco Beach just... freakin' everybody out.
B.O.B.:
And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
No no, that's me, B.O.B.
B.O.B.:
Then I'll be a really giant lady.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.:
That's Susan, B.O.B.
B.O.B.:
Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto and be with Derek.
The Missing Link:
Yeah, that's still Susan B.O.B.
B.O.B.:
I think I at least deserve a chance to be with Derek!
Related Links
*
