Family Guy (TV Series)
The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2007)
Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Dick Cheney, Swedish Chef, Golf, Horse #2, Old Man, Mr. Furley
Photos
Quotes
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Dick Cheney : [as Wal-Mart greeter] Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
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Peter Griffin : [Joe hits his ball onto the green.] Hey Joe?
Joe Swanson : Don't say it Peter.
Peter Griffin : No I was just wondering...
Joe Swanson : Peter, I swear to god.
Peter Griffin : What's your handicap?
Joe Swanson : [sarcastic laugh] Oh my god, every hole that's a joke that just doesn't get old.
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Stewie : Oh Squiggly line in my eye fluid, squiggly line that lies in the parenthesis of my eye, when I look at you, you squirm away, are you shy squiggly line, only when I ignore you, you return, its okay squiggly line, you are forgiven
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Stewie : My tanning days are over, Brian. I'm just glad I stopped before I did any real damage.
Brian Griffin : I'm not so sure. I don't remember you having that mole before.
Stewie : What the devil! What is that?
Brian Griffin : I don't know, you were burned pretty badly, it could be the "C" word.
Stewie : What the hell does that have to do with anything?
Brian Griffin : I mean cancer.
Stewie : Oh, I thought you meant... its not important. Oh, no, cancer!
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[Stewie and Brian are ball room dancing]
Stewie : [whispering] I love you.
Brian Griffin : What?
Stewie : I said olive juice?
Brian Griffin : Olive juice?
Stewie : [whispering] I olive juice you too.
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Glenn Quagmire : [playing golf, he hits his ball into the rough] God damn it! Come on! Come on!
[bleeped profanity]
Glenn Quagmire : Come on, Glenn! Come on, get your head in the goddamn game!
[yelling, he throws his golf bag in frustration]
Joe Swanson : Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?
Cleveland Brown : A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.
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Glenn Quagmire : Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's a stroke!
Peter Griffin : I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.
Glenn Quagmire : Oh, relax? Oh, okay.
[putting a ball on the ground]
Glenn Quagmire : Oh, oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh, I just tapped it again. Oh, oh, tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh! It's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!
[bending his club over his knee, he throws it against the cart]
Joe Swanson : Hey, Quagmire, you know it's not fun when you're like this.
Glenn Quagmire : You want fun? Go home and buy a monkey.
Cleveland Brown : What does that even mean?
Glenn Quagmire : I don't know.
[looking up at the sky]
Glenn Quagmire : Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.
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Stewie : [talking to Brian] You wouldn't know about it 'cause you're white as a ghost. You're haunting this house with your whiteness.
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Brian Griffin : [Stewie gets out of his tanning bed with a terrible sunburn] Hey, buddy. I was just coming to tell you it's time to get out.
Stewie : I've been in there for six and a half hours, you son of a bitch!
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Peter Griffin : Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn.
Stewie : [getting slapped on the butt] AHHH! YOU HORSE'S ASS!
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Lois Griffin : Peter, you get down from that tree this instant!
Peter Griffin : No! You're gonna yell at me!
Lois Griffin : You're damn right I'm gonna yell at you. You beat up a 13-year-old boy!
Peter Griffin : He called me names!
Lois Griffin : You're 43 and you just assaulted our neighbor's child! This is a very serious situation!
Peter Griffin : Well, maybe you should have just had an abortion, Lois! Would that make you happy if I was never born?
Lois Griffin : What?
Peter Griffin : I'm going to prison, aren't I?
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Joe Swanson : Peter, are you sure you're allowed to bring a baby onto the golf course?
Peter Griffin : Well, Lois asked me to watch Stewie for the afternoon. It's all right, I don't think the club'll mind. It's Cleveland I'm worried about.
Cleveland Brown : [wearing a mask of Richard Nixon] Peter, is this really necessary? I can't hardly see anything.
Golf : [passing by with a partner] Hey, look, it's President Nixon.
[Cleveland raises the mask]
Golf : No, wait, it's a black guy.
[he puts it back on]
Golf : No, it's Nixon.
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Peter Griffin : Hey, there. Kyle? Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.
Kyle : [mocking tone of voice] "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father."
Peter Griffin : Now, that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're making me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I-I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong.
Kyle : [still mocking] "What you did the other day was wrong."
Peter Griffin : You're not making this easy, Kyle.
Kyle : "You're not making this easy, Kyle. My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face."
Peter Griffin : Shut up, Kyle.
Kyle : "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat numbnuts."
Peter Griffin : Kyle, I said shut up.
Kyle : You're a poop-nose.
[Peter proceeds to beat him up; sneaking out of the house, he returns home and sits down on the couch next to Brian]
Brian Griffin : Hey, Peter.
Peter Griffin : Hey, what's going on?
Brian Griffin : Is something wrong?
Peter Griffin : [nervously calm] No, no, no, no, no, no, e-everything's... everything's cool right now. Might be some problems later, but, uh, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Lois Griffin : [answering the ringing phone] Hello? Peter did what?
Peter Griffin : Well, I'd best be getting to work.
Brian Griffin : It's nighttime.
Peter Griffin : Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy.
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Lois Griffin : Oh, my God, look at Stewie! Peter, you took him out without any sunscreen?
Peter Griffin : Maybe.
Lois Griffin : You know the sun is dangerous for a baby's skin. Peter, this is more irresponsible than when you fed your Mogwai after midnight.
[cut to them in the kitchen]
Lois Griffin : Peter, didn't the little Chinese man tell you not to feed him after midnight?
Peter Griffin : Oh, come on, Lois, he's so cute. And he's hungry. What could go wrong?
[taking a bite of food, it shapeshifts]
Fran Drescher : Hello, I'm Fran Drescher.
[her patented annoying laugh]
Peter Griffin , Lois Griffin : AHHHHH!
Peter Griffin : Kill it! Kill it!
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Lois Griffin : [learning Chris got beaten up by a bully] Peter, I think one of us should go over and have a talk with Kyle's parents.
Peter Griffin : I'll do it, Lois. Right after a healthy breakfast of juice, toast, and store brand imitation Frosted Flakes featuring Terry the Tiger.
Terry the Tiger : They'rrree... food!
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Stewie : [pulling up to Meg and Lois on the couch in a toy car] Hey, ladies, you mind if I park here? I'll only be a few minutes.
Lois Griffin : Stewie, what is that on your lip?
Stewie : Oh, I drew a pencil mustache. I like it 'cause it's just above my lip. The kind of mustache that says "Yeah, I've been nude on camera. What of it?"
Lois Griffin : Come here, I'll take care of that, sweetie.
Stewie : [picking him up, she licks her thumb and wipes it off] Ew, ew, it's got spit all over it. Ugh, now I know what it's like to have dinner with Martin Landau.
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Chris Griffin : Dad, you can't hit him!
Randy Fulcher : Yeah. I have M.S.
Peter Griffin : You hear that, son? He has monkey scrotum and is bragging about it.