Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

A Live Woman of Proven Fertility (2006)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : A bribable child is a controllable child.

• Charlie Harper : [Trying to seduce Alan like he would a woman, so that Alan would agree to have dinner]  So, where do you wanna go, baby?

  Alan Harper : That's, uh, that's very funny.

  Charlie Harper : No, no, no! Let's get something hot in you and then get something *hot* in you!

  Alan Harper : Knock it off!

  Charlie Harper : Gee, you smell good!

  Alan Harper : You know what? Okay, Okay. I'll just stay here and have a popsicle.

  Charlie Harper : Oh, you'll be getting the popsicle!

  Alan Harper : Fine! Fine! You pick the restaurant.

• Alan Harper : I don't have money for luxuries like eating out. Or eating in, really. I'm trying to learn to chew my own cud.

  Charlie Harper : It's all right. I'll treat.

  Alan Harper : No, no, no! You've done too much for me already.

  Charlie Harper : Yeah, but it's not like I'm keeping a tab. $26,382... to date.

• Alan Harper : Parenthood is like skydiving. You just gotta jump out of the old plane.

  Charlie Harper : And get sucked into the old propeller!

  Alan Harper : A propeller of love!

• Charlie Harper : Hey. After the kid goes back to his mother's, do you wanna go out and grab some dinner?

  Alan Harper : I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.

  Charlie Harper : Why not? You got a date?... He said, knowing the answer, but asked him anyway, just to be polite.

  Alan Harper : No, I don't have a date... He replied, all the while thinking: "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon".

• Alan Harper : Judith, if you're gonna chew my ass off, just know I'm planning on having it for breakfast tomorrow.

• [Alan finds out Judith is getting married, meaning he won't have to pay any alimony] 

  Charlie Harper : Five, six, seven, eight...

  Alan Harper : [sings]  No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!

• Alan Harper : Do you know the problem with sushi?

  Charlie Harper : Besides eating it with you?

  Alan Harper : It's all fleshy and flappy and wet. Feels unnatural against my tongue.

  Charlie Harper : Hey, Al?

  Alan Harper : What?

  Charlie Harper : I think I know why your marriages didn't work out.

• Alan Harper : [after learning Jake has run away from his mother's]  Is this about the upcoming nuptials?

  Jake Harper : It has nothing to do with puberty, Dad. It's about Mom getting married.

• Alan Harper : I thought you liked Dr Melnick.

  Jake Harper : That was when they were just dating. Now, he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father!

  Alan Harper : You don't do what *I* tell you to do!

  Jake Harper : Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that!

• Jake Harper : [about Judith]  She can be happy all she wants. I just don't need some jerk pretending he's my dad.

  Alan Harper : Oh, why not?

  Jake Harper : 'Cause I already have a dad!

  Charlie Harper : ...and he's already a jerk!

• Alan Harper : [to Jake]  All right, buddy. I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy. But, I think it's something you're old enough to understand.

  [pause] 

  Alan Harper : You can do better than me.

  Charlie Harper : *Way* better!

• Charlie Harper : [about Jake]  He's not too bright, so you can lie to him all you want.

  Alan Harper : Charlie?

  Charlie Harper : Oh, come on! Until he was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!

• Alan Harper : Have you guys considered eloping to Vegas?

  Dr. Herb Melnick : No, we haven't...

  Alan Harper : Now, I know what you're thinking... tacky, tacky. But, actually, it isn't. It's classy and very romantic.

  Charlie Harper : Yeah. Some of the hotels have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.

• Dr. Herb Melnick : The thing is, I'm... I'm just not sure I'm ready to be a stepfather.

  Alan Harper : Oh. Oh, sure you are! You'll be terrific! Right, Charlie?

  Charlie Harper : Trust us. As long as there's food in the fridge and money in your wallet, you'll own the little peckerhead.

• Alan Harper : [to Dr Melnick]  Jake's used to being an only child.

  Charlie Harper : If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.

• Alan Harper : I would like to propose a toast. To Jake!

  Dr. Herb Melnick : [Drunk]  Ah, Jake's great!

  Alan Harper : And to Judith!

  Dr. Herb Melnick : [Drunk]  Absolutely! Judith's great, too!

  Alan Harper : And to your upcoming marriage!

  Dr. Herb Melnick : [pause]  Ah, sure. What the hell?

• Alan Harper : [talking to Judith on Herb's phone]  What? I'm, uh, uh, uh, I'm sorry, I can't hear you! Yeah! Uh, uh, uh, I think this phone is unning out of atteries!... I ed, his hone is unning out of atteries! Oodbye, Udith!

  [to Charlie] 

  Alan Harper : Think she bought it?

  Charlie Harper : If she did, she's oopider than ooh.