- Alan Shore: If I should ever like to drive your car...
- Denny Crane: I toss you my keys.
- Alan Shore: If I should ever need any money...
- Denny Crane: My check is blank.
- Alan Shore: Or need to pick your brain...
- Denny Crane: My mind is blank.
- Alan Shore: Anything you have, or once did have, is there for me.
- Denny Crane: Except for Shirley. Keep your root away from Shirley.
- Shirley Schmidt: [after Alan loses the wrestling match to Denny] Five seconds?
- Alan Shore: He cheated. You can't squat on the head.
- Shirley Schmidt: Five seconds?
- Alan Shore: Four, actually.
- Alan Shore: Admit it Shirley, you're drawn to me like Eve to the Serpent. Take me home and help me stretch my coil.
- Shirley Schmidt: Has that line actually worked?
- Alan Shore: It's working now.
- Alan Shore: [Before their wrestling match] Shouldn't we pee in a cup first? I don't trust his testosterone levels.
- Denny Crane: Mine's naturally high.
- Alan Shore: My friend, one of my goals in life is to go to all the places you've gone.
- Denny Crane: Just don't go to Shirley. She's mine.
- A.D.A. Frank Ginsberg: Knowing you, you'd probably plan to get up in the end and deliver some stirring closing like cannibalism is good, the world needs more people devouring each other.
- Alan Shore: No, we already have enough of that.