- Superintendent Skinner: [to T.J., who is dressed as a punk] Hello, son! I notice you're not lined up with the other students!
- Theodore J. 'T.J.' Detweiler: That's because I reject you, man! You and everything you stand for!
- Superintendent Skinner: Well that's fairly disturbing...
- Principal Prickly: [nervously] W-well that's just T.J. Detweiler, sir. He was just joking around.
- [He brings Gretchen forward she's dressed as a goth]
- Principal Prickly: Ahhh, here's the intelligent and courteous Gretchen Grundler. Say hello to the very important man, Gretchen.
- Gretchen Grundler: Greetings are depressing. Life is pointless. Leave me now to grapple with my own irrelevance as I confer to young adulthood... man.
- Vince LaSalle: [desperately grabs Prickly] I know I gotta make weight, but I can't live on ginseng and egg whites forever!
- Mikey Blumberg: [covered in fake zits] I'm breaking out! Yet another sock hop spent alone with my regrets...
- Gus Griswald: [blandly] I have father issues.
- Superintendent Skinner: By Jove, Prickly! These are just the types of problems you'll be encountering in Middle School! It's the perfect opportunity for you to show off your one-on-one counseling skills.
- Principal Prickly: Oh... well, certainly, sir!
- [to TJ]
- Principal Prickly: You, back off!
- [to Gretchen]
- Principal Prickly: You, cheer up!
- [to Vince]
- Principal Prickly: You, eat something!
- [to Mikey]
- Principal Prickly: You, cut back on the fried foods!
- [to Gus]
- Principal Prickly: You, mow the lawn!
- Spinelli: [dressed up as a cute Valley Girl] You are so dreamy!
- Principal Prickly: Argh! Get a hamster!
- Superintendent Skinner: Prickly! What decisive handling on those children's strange problems!