- Zack: Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood morning, Bayside! Hey, and all you kids cuttin' school in the Palisades and at the beach, this is Wolfman Zack.
- [Points to Screech, who then howls like a wolf]
- Zack: Hey, it's Bayside's freshest, hottest, hippest new station, KKTY-FM, Tiger Radio!
- [Points to Screech, who then roars like a tiger]
- Jessie: [Cuts to Jessie's segment] Bad food hits Bayside, students hit bathrooms. This is Jessie Spano for KKTY News. I caught up with Mr. Belding running out of the cafeteria today, and he assured me that green meat would no longer be served.
- Lisa: [Cuts to Lisa's segment] Hi, this is Lisa, your Galloping Gossip, with everyone you wanna know that's none of your business. Flash! Debbie DeMarco's new curves came with Debbie's new sweater.
- Kelly Kapowski: [Cuts to Kelly's segment] Hello, this is Kelly Desire. It's evening, the candles are lit, and you're with the one you love. All that's missing is that special romantic song.
- [Points to Screech, who puts on a rock 'n' roll record, she grimaces]
- Screech: [Cuts to Screech's segment; he speaks with a strange accent] Thunder and lightning raged outside the old Victorian house. There was a scream...
- [Screams]
- Screech: Evelyn's heart pounded...
- [Imitates heart beat by hitting his chest]
- Screech: as she slowly opened the bedroom door.
- [Imitates creaking door]
- Screech: She saw an axe, and recognised the face of...
- Zack: [Stops background music] Well, that's all the time we have today. Tune in tomorrow for another excitement installment of...
- Screech: Screech's Mystery Theater!
- Zack: And now, look alive, sports fans, 'cause on deck it's Tiger Radio's sportiest reporter, A.C. Slater!
- Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In a stilted monotone] Hey. Thanks, Wolfman. Okay. First things first. Let's check out the old scoreboard, huh? I mean, hey, ha, gimme a break, it's not *that* old, right?
- [Honks horn, Kelly jumps]
- Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Anyway. In local, uh, high school action, it was - it was, Bayside 5, Valley 4. I guess that means we won, right Math majors?
- [Honks horn again]
- Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [a while later, the rest of the gang are all clearly bored and tired] This *is* A.C. Slater. And just remember, fans, in the airport of life, sports is just the baggage. Think about it.
- [Honks horn, Zack puts music on]
- Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Right. So what do you think?
- Zack: [All exchange glances] Uh... we're thinkin' about it.
- Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: See, Preppie. I told you I was good.
- [Leaves]
- Zack: Hey, guys, I think I know what'd help Slater.
- Jessie, Lisa, Kelly Kapowski: What?
- Zack: A muzzle.
- Zack: [Talking about bringing back the school's old radio station with Mr. Belding] Sir, we'd like to put KKTY back on the air.
- Mr. Belding: What?
- Screech: [slowly] We... would... like... to...
- Mr. Belding: I heard you!
- Lisa: [Talking about Slater's sports broadcast on the radio] Do you think we should be honest and tell him he stinks?
- Jessie: How can we without hurting his feelings?
- Screech: Why don't we just wave a skunk in front of him?
- Zack: You know, Screech, for once you have a good idea.
- Kelly: We can't do that. This is Slater's dream.
- Jessie: You know, maybe we're being overcritical because we expected him to be better.
- Lisa: I hope you're right.
- Kelly: I bet the average listener thinks he's just fine.
- [Spots three guys walking past the table]
- Kelly: Excuse me, what do you guys think of Tiger Radio?
- Student #1: Radical!
- Student #2: Really cool!
- Student #3: The best, man!
- Zack: And, uh, what do you think of our sports reporter, A.C. Slater?
- Student #1: Awful!
- Student #2: The worst!
- Student #3: Someone should wave a skunk in front of him.
- Screech: [Looking self satisfied] See?
- 1960s Principal: [During flashback in which Mr. Belding is a student] Richard Belding, this is the Principal. Report to my office immediately.
- Mr. Belding: Man, what does that jerk want now?
- Jessie: You were the Big Bopper?
- Mr. Belding: I was the Master Blaster. The Boss.
- Lisa: I thought Springsteen was the Boss.
- Mr. Belding: Nah, he stole it from me.
- Mr. Belding: [about their broadcast denouncing the Bayside School Board] You guys are irresponsible!
- Jessie: We have an obligation to report the truth.
- Mr. Belding: Truth? You and Pinocchio Morris?
- Jessie: [Lisa and Kelly appear with several copies of the school paper] The school paper just reviewed us!
- Lisa: What did they say?
- Kelly Kapowski: I dunno, I'm too nervous to look. What if he didn't like my outfit?
- Lisa: Lisa, we're on the radio, remember? He can't see us.
- Zack: [Each take a paper] Hey, look at this:
- [Reading aloud]
- Zack: "Tiger Radio really cooks when Wolfman Zack is on the prowl." Hey.
- Lisa: [Reading aloud] "Jessie Spano has a nose for news. And I smell a winner."
- Jessie: [Reading aloud] "Kelly Desire's voice could heat your jacuzzi. The girl is H-O-T."
- Kelly Kapowski: [Reading aloud] "Lisa's Galloping Gossip is off to a fast start. She's funny, charming, and a great dresser."
- [Looks at Jessie]
- Kelly Kapowski: See?
- Zack: This guy really liked us.
- Jessie: Uh, most of us.
- [Reading aloud]
- Jessie: "A.C. Slater stinks."
- Lisa: [Reading aloud] "Someone should wave a skunk in front of him"?
- Kelly Kapowski: Poor Slater.
- Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Slater appears] Hey, guys! What's up?
- [the others move toward the lockers and stand with their backs to them, hiding the papers]
- Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What are you doing?
- Kelly Kapowski, Zack: Uh...
- Kelly Kapowski: We're scratching our backs!
- Zack: Yeah, you know, there's an itch going through the school.
- Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What?
- Screech: Hey, guys! The station just got reviewed!
- [Zack groans]
- Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Oh, really? What'd he say about me?
- Screech: You stink!
- Jessie: Zack, Zack! I found what you're looking for.
- Zack: Oh. A peephole in the girls' locker room?
- Jessie: No.
- Zack: Urgh.
- Jessie: I found what Belding was hiding. Look what's in this old school newspaper from 1968.
- Zack: [Reading headline aloud] "D.J. Belding Moons School Board? Picture on page three *and* four? Let's see this.
- [Turns page]
- Zack: Whoa, now that's a side of him I've never seen.