- Reverend Geraldine Granger: You're on in fifteen seconds, Frank, and I need to hear a little bit for level, so tell us what you had for breakfast.
- Frank Pickle: Toast.
- Reverend Geraldine Granger: Yeah... I need a little bit more than that, so just make something up, you know, let your imagination run wild.
- Frank Pickle: Wild! Great. Two pieces of toast.
- Jim Trott: Sex! Sex! Sex! That's all you get on television these days.
- Geraldine Granger: Is it?
- Jim Trott: It is on mine; I watch the Playboy channel.
- [last lines]
- Geraldine Granger: And the winner of the broadcasting prize is, or course, our resident cool dude, Mr Hugo 'Hot-dog' Horton. And on that happy note it's farewell from Radio Dibley. Hit it, Newitt.
- [post credits]
- Geraldine Granger: So there's this man vicar...
- Alice Tinker: Oh!
- Geraldine Granger: Yeah. And he's playing golf with his friend, John.
- Alice Tinker: John.
- Geraldine Granger: John, yup. And John misses a three foot putt.
- Alice Tinker: Oh, dear.
- Geraldine Granger: Yeah. And he says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!" and the vicar tuts and he says, "John, you say that once more and God will open up the heavens and send a thunderbolt down to strike you dead." Well, the next thing that happens, John misses a two foot putt, and he says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!"
- Alice Tinker: Uh-oh.
- Geraldine Granger: Yes. So the heavens open, a great big thunderbolt comes down and strikes the *vicar* dead. And God says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!"
- Alice Tinker: No, no-no, that, that can't be right, can it? Because God wouldn't miss, 'cause He's God. I mean even though he was standing really close he'd still hit the right one, and he certainly wouldn't swear.
- Geraldine Granger: It's a very tiny brain you're housing in there, isn't it?
- Frank Pickle: Hello. I'm Frank Pickle. And I'll be here for the next hour. Or maybe a little longer, in fact, because I have to put my coat on afterwards and say good-bye to the vicar, which should take a few minutes. Anyway, I'll be with you for quite some time. So I'll start by telling you something I think you'll find very interesting. I first discovered I was gay when I was 18, and I fell in love with a young farmhand called Justin. He was beautiful. I've been trying to tell you, dear friends, for 20 years. But it's tricky. That's the lovely thing about radio. Speaking into this microphone here, alone tonight, I can say things I could never say to you face to face.
- [first lines]
- David Horton: Moving on. I have received an entry form for the Best Kept Village competition. Any thoughts?
- Owen Newitt: Yes, tear it up.
- David Horton: I beg your pardon?
- Owen Newitt: Months of effort and what would we win? Some pointless poncy piece of paper saying : Dibley, Best Kept Village.
- Jim Trott: No no no no, it's not just a bit of paper; it's a title, a trophy. It's a cheque for two hundred and forty thousand pounds, presented by the Duchess of Kent.
- Geraldine Granger: No, that's Wimbledon, Jim.
- Jim Trott: Yes, that is Wimbledon.
- David Horton: Oh, come on. We did all right last year.
- Geraldine Granger: We came fifty-fourth out of fifty-four!
- David Horton: Is that right?
- Geraldine Granger: Remember Denfield?
- David Horton: Well, how could one forget those poor people?
- Hugo Horton: Yes. Who would have believed a lorry-load of BSE-infected toxic waste would have crashed into a nuclear fuel tanker causing a crater two hundred feet wide and the evacuation of the entire village?
- Geraldine Granger: And they came fifty-third.
- David Horton: Point taken.
- [crumples the form]
- David Horton: Let's forget it.
- Geraldine Granger: Hello, and welcome to our final special programme: Brain of Dibley.
- Jingle: Tune into Dibley Radio for fun with the holy lady-o!
- Geraldine Granger: Our contestants tonight are the reigning champion, Councillor David Horton, MBE, MA, FRCS; and the challenger, Miss Alice Tinker, GCSE, PMT, TTFN!
- [Everyone applauds]
- Geraldine Granger: And tonight's quiz has a local flavour. So, let's kick off. And, fingers on buttons.
- [Alice touches the buttons of her cardigan]
- Geraldine Granger: That's the button on the *table*, Alice!
- Geraldine Granger: I think we have a caller on Line 1! Hello, caller.
- [Alice presses the answer button on the phone]
- David Horton: [Over the phone] Vicar, is that you?
- Geraldine Granger: It is indeed! Is that David Horton, local Councillor, Chairman of the Parish?
- David Horton: You know bloody well who it is. I'm ringing up about this interview tomorrow.
- Geraldine Granger: David, I feel I should warn you, we are actually...
- David Horton: I'm cancelling. I'm sorry, I don't want that Alice moron asking me damned fool questions.
- [Geraldine glances over at Alice]
- Geraldine Granger: [Sternly] David...
- David Horton: And it's no good telling me that you'll get someone else, because frankly they're all zombies. Frank, Newitt, Jim - I've got sheep who do a more probing interview!
- [the others are taken aback]
- David Horton: They're idiots to a man. Have to cancel, talk to you later.
- Geraldine Granger: Er, David. Just before you go. Just between you and me, how are your haemorrhoids?
- David Horton: Well... they're terrible if you must know.
- Geraldine Granger: Aww. Really painful, very embarrassing? A little bit like a bunch of grapes hanging out your bottom?
- David Horton: Yes. Well, it is actually - my lavatory hasn't known what's hit it in the last few weeks.
- Geraldine Granger: Aww, aww. Well... thank you, David *Haemorrhoid* Horton for sharing that with us live on the Dibley Radio phone in!
- [She smiles smugly]
- Geraldine Granger: Anything else you'd like to add?
- [Long pause]
- David Horton: [Disguising his voice] And this is Rory Bremner now, using my real voice!
- [Geraldine sighs]
- David Horton: Bet I had you all fooled, eh?
- [laughs]