The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Dibley Live (1998)

Gary Waldhorn: David Horton

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  David Horton : Moving on. I have received an entry form for the Best Kept Village competition. Any thoughts?

  Owen Newitt : Yes, tear it up.

  David Horton : I beg your pardon?

  Owen Newitt : Months of effort and what would we win? Some pointless poncy piece of paper saying : Dibley, Best Kept Village.

  Jim Trott : No no no no, it's not just a bit of paper; it's a title, a trophy. It's a cheque for two hundred and forty thousand pounds, presented by the Duchess of Kent.

  Geraldine Granger : No, that's Wimbledon, Jim.

  Jim Trott : Yes, that is Wimbledon.

  David Horton : Oh, come on. We did all right last year.

  Geraldine Granger : We came fifty-fourth out of fifty-four!

  David Horton : Is that right?

  Geraldine Granger : Remember Denfield?

  David Horton : Well, how could one forget those poor people?

  Hugo Horton : Yes. Who would have believed a lorry-load of BSE-infected toxic waste would have crashed into a nuclear fuel tanker causing a crater two hundred feet wide and the evacuation of the entire village?

  Geraldine Granger : And they came fifty-third.

  David Horton : Point taken.

  [crumples the form] 

  David Horton : Let's forget it.

• Geraldine Granger : I think we have a caller on Line 1! Hello, caller.

  [Alice presses the answer button on the phone] 

  David Horton : [Over the phone]  Vicar, is that you?

  Geraldine Granger : It is indeed! Is that David Horton, local Councillor, Chairman of the Parish?

  David Horton : You know bloody well who it is. I'm ringing up about this interview tomorrow.

  Geraldine Granger : David, I feel I should warn you, we are actually...

  David Horton : I'm cancelling. I'm sorry, I don't want that Alice moron asking me damned fool questions.

  [Geraldine glances over at Alice] 

  Geraldine Granger : [Sternly]  David...

  David Horton : And it's no good telling me that you'll get someone else, because frankly they're all zombies. Frank, Newitt, Jim - I've got sheep who do a more probing interview!

  [the others are taken aback] 

  David Horton : They're idiots to a man. Have to cancel, talk to you later.

  Geraldine Granger : Er, David. Just before you go. Just between you and me, how are your haemorrhoids?

  David Horton : Well... they're terrible if you must know.

  Geraldine Granger : Aww. Really painful, very embarrassing? A little bit like a bunch of grapes hanging out your bottom?

  David Horton : Yes. Well, it is actually - my lavatory hasn't known what's hit it in the last few weeks.

  Geraldine Granger : Aww, aww. Well... thank you, David *Haemorrhoid* Horton for sharing that with us live on the Dibley Radio phone in!

  [She smiles smugly] 

  Geraldine Granger : Anything else you'd like to add?

  [Long pause] 

  David Horton : [Disguising his voice]  And this is Rory Bremner now, using my real voice!

  [Geraldine sighs] 

  David Horton : Bet I had you all fooled, eh?

  [laughs]