Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite (2006)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Rose : Hello, Alan.

  Alan Harper : Rose.

  [Rose exits via the front door. Charlie and Alan stare at the door, bewildered] 

  Charlie Harper : She used the front door?

  Alan Harper : Uh-huh.

  Charlie Harper : She never uses the front door.

  Alan Harper : Uh-uh.

  [turns to Charlie] 

  Alan Harper : What happened out there?

  Charlie Harper : Nothing. I just told her Mia and I were getting married and I could actually see her medication *stop* working!

• Alan Harper : [regarding Rose]  What do you think she's going to do?

  Charlie Harper : It's not a question of what, it's a question of when. And how am I going to enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles superglued to my asscrack?

• Charlie Harper : I know things didn't end well with you and Judith. But, overall, did you like being married?

  Alan Harper : Oh, I *loved* being married!

  Charlie Harper : You never missed having sex with other women?

  Alan Harper : Sure. But I missed that before I got married, too!

• Alan Harper : Don't set the bar too high for the wedding night.

  Charlie Harper : What are you talking about?

  Alan Harper : It's a long, stressful day. You'll be exhausted, full of banquet food and cheap champagne. Take my advice: tell her you love her, give her a big kiss, and try to fall asleep with your ass pointed toward an open window!

• Charlie Harper : You don't think Mia is going to turn into her mother, do you?

  Alan Harper : I wouldn't worry about it. What I *would* worry about is you turning her into *our* mother!

• Charlie Harper : [about to get married in Vegas]  I just wanna get this over with!

  Alan Harper : Get this over with? That's the attitude you take to a proctologist, not a marriage!

• Kandi : When I was a little girl, I used to love playing bride.

  Alan Harper : Me, too. I mean, uh, I was the groom. Most of the time.