- Dr. Cox: OK. As you all know Sacred Heart is dealing with a mountain of malpractice lawsuits courtesy of bumbling interns, clueless doctors and hack surgeons, or as I like to refer to them, you people. Now, since Sweaty Teddy here backs up his infinitesimal knowledge of the law with absolutely zero knowledge of medicine, one of you is going to have to help him go through the claims, decipher medical stuff and somehow relay all of that into his tiny peanut brain. Ted, how many times did I insult you during that speech? I was shooting for five.
- Ted Buckland: Only three, unless you count "Sweaty Teddy" as an insult; but my mom calls me that, and she loves me, right?
- Dr. Cox: No Ted. She hates you. Four. Now, since Ted has no life, and that's five, I'm going and let him select his very own victim. Ted...
- Ted Buckland: I'll take Claire!
- Claire: Oh God...
- Ted Buckland: You turned me down 14 times for drinks! Well, who's the creepy loser now, huh?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] And just like that I had the chance to comfort Claire.
- [out loud]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You look like you need to be rescued...
- [Claire nods; J.D. Narrates again]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Life was good... but then came a surprise visit from my brother and a round of the game he likes to call Watch Her Leave.
- [J.D. comforts Claire; Dan arrives at their back, holding a bunch of flowers]
- Dan Dorian: There's no easy way to say this... we got the crabs.
- [Claire runs away]
- Dan Dorian: Wow, she was cute...
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yes, she was, Dan... thank you.
- Dan Dorian: Welcome.
- [J.D. looks into the camera]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: We'll be right back
- [leaves with Dan]
- Patient #1: Was he talking to us?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Don't know, don't care.
- Janitor: I had a brother once. Well, I shouldn't say once, he's still my brother. My parents adopted him when I was about 12. He was about 46. Actually older than my parents. His name was Cleat. And he talked like this.
- [with accent]
- Janitor: Howsitgoin? Howsitgoin?
- [normally]
- Janitor: Good kid. Did what they said. Make the bed, mop the floor, sweep the lawn, whatever had to be done. Everything was good till he was in his fifties, and then, wow, did he have a midlife crisis. Him and my dad fought constantly. And I mean, really, physically beating on each other. But I don't blame him for it though. I blame my mom for sleeping with him. That's just out of line.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [after Dan leaves] Thanks a lot, dude.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: What?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That Dan train used to hook up with Elliot.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: So?
- Herbert: So? Man, your boy J.D.'s been telling him that Elliot still likes him.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Doctor-patient confidentiality goes both ways, Mr. I-Prefer-My-Temperature-Taken-Through-the-Back-Door.
- Herbert: What? I mean it tickles.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [kissing in bed] We don't want any distractions while we're trying to make a baby.
- Keith: Okay, you gotta stop saying that.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Keith, we're role-playing, all right? This is not real, now let's just do this!
- Keith: All right.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Promise me you'll hold me like this when I'm pushing your baby out my bajingo?
- Keith: All right, I'm putting on a third condom.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Okay, here's how I think we should name our baby. It's what my parents did. If it's a girl, I get to pick the name. If it's a boy, you pick the name.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Okay.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: I like Angie for a girl.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: And if it's a boy, say hello to Fu'Kwan! Wassup!
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Okay, you know what? I think we should pick the names together.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Okay. Because I was thinking, you know, for a girl...
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Sweetie, we already have a girl's name. And for a boy, why not name him after your cousin?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Tiger?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Turk, I'm begging you to stop telling people that, no one believes you.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Well tell that to the last two women I slept with before you, Okay? Sha-boing. Boing.
- Ted Buckland: Okay, back to work. Okay, this next patient claims their s-s-stent was implanted incorrectly. What's a stent?
- Dr. Cox: A tube that holds arteries open.
- Ted Buckland: All right. And, what's a Buckland?
- Dr. Cox: It's a predominantly hairless growth that is never found on women.
- Ted Buckland: Weird.
- Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox shows Ted his name plate] It's your last name, Ted.