- Stanley: [believing that Ryan is after his 8th grade daughter] That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Do you understand?
- Ryan Howard: Yes, sir.
- Stanley: Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it. What you looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.
- Ryan Howard: [outside] Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
- Michael Scott: Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
- Michael Scott: I'm Michael Scott and I am in charge of this place. How do I make you understand... I am like Superman. And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
- Dwight Schrute, Jim Halpert: That's Batman.
- Michael Scott: Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?
- Jim Halpert: The ocean.
- Michael Scott: [muttering] I work with a bunch of nerds.
- Michael Scott: I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives. They're adults, for God's sake.
- Toby: Is everything okay?
- Michael Scott: You have to ask me that because you work for Human Resources.
- Jake Palmer: You're ugly.
- Dwight Schrute: Well, at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So...
- Jake Palmer: Meredith!
- Dwight Schrute: [mockingly] Meredith.
- Edward R. Meow: [Michael and the employees' kids are watching the young Michael on an old puppet show] So, tell me, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
- Young Michael Scott: I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
- Edward R. Meow: [Long pause] Uh... oh, okay. Well, nice talking with you, Michael. Back to you, Miss Trudy.
- Melissa Hudson: [after Michael turns off the clip] Did you get married?
- Michael Scott: Uh, no.
- Abby: Why not?
- Michael Scott: Uh, it just never happened.
- Sasha: So, do you have any kids?
- Michael Scott: Uh, nope.
- Jake Palmer: Do you have a girlfriend?
- Michael Scott: I do okay.
- Melissa Hudson: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
- Jake Palmer: Even I have a girlfriend.
- Michael Scott: Okay. All right. Okay.
- Sasha: So, you didn't get to be what you wanted to be.
- Michael Scott: [pause] I guess not.
- Pam Beesly: I'm looking forward to 'Take Your Daughter to Work' day. I am not great with kids, but I want to get better because I'm getting married. So, I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me... like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel.
- Michael Scott: The kids don't want to hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.
- Dwight Schrute: [reading from Struwwelpeter] "The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs." Are you listening Sasha? Right? "And ere they dream what he's about, he takes his great sharp scissors out and then cuts their thumbs clean off."
- Kevin Malone: Abby's my fiancée Stacey's daughter. I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. Actually, I'd better go check.
- Ryan Howard: Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun. And I'm learning that fun for Kelly is getting married and having babies... immediately... with me.