- Ernie: All I have is my lucky purple suit from prom.
- George Lopez: Lucky? You went with your cousin and she gave birth in the bathroom.
- George Lopez: I'm the manager. It's my job to defend the workers.
- Benny: You never defended me.
- George Lopez: It's not true. I cleaned the stall in the men's room where all that nasty stuff was said about you.
- Benny: What did it say?
- George Lopez: I don't remember. I wrote it a long time ago.
- Ernie: I'm sorry, George. I just sat down for a minute to rest my knees. I guess I must have nodded off. I don't know why they're bothering me so much.
- George Lopez: You know you're supposed to listen to your body, and right now your knees are screaming, "You're crushing us! Eat a salad!"
- George Lopez: I just need to think of a way for him to kill his appetite. Mom, do you have any naked pictures of yourself?
- [gags]
- George Lopez: That last one tasted like hot dog.
- Mel Powers: I just got a letter from Ernie's letter saying I'm prejudice against fat people. Does no one remember how big my second wife was?
- George Lopez: Oh, yeah, Sheryl. She wore that green dress to the Christmas party and you fired that guy who accidentally put an ornament on her.
- Benny: [after Ernie crashes the forklift into the vending machine] Wow. When Ernie wants mini-donuts, there is no stopping him.
- Angie Lopez: Who wants a nice healthy snack of carrots?
- Ernie: Nice try.
- Angie Lopez: What?
- Ernie: You're pushing carrots, but you got cake in your teeth. You're a horrible host.