Undergrads (TV Series)

Virgins (2001)

Pete Williams: Parker 'Nitz' Walsh, Justin 'Gimpy' Taylor, Cal Evans, Rocko Gambiani

Photos 

Quotes 

• Cal : Be extra virginal. Be extra virginal.

  Rocko : Shut up Cal's voice in my head.

  Cal : Okay. Sorry guy.

• [Putting on a date-rape skit] 

  Rocko : Well. Here we are. Insert actress's name. Would you like to come up to my room?

  Blonde : I don't know. I don't really know you!

  Rocko : You know I've got a futon and a boner! What more do you need?

  Duggler : Freeze! Now what's going on here? What should... Rocko! I said freeze!

  Rocko : But I haven't even copped a feel yet! What kind of crappy date-rape is this?

• Cal : What does 'pro-mis-cue-ous' mean?

  Nitz : People who sleep with lots of people, Cal.

  Cal : Oh phew, guy. Good thing I never sleep with any of my lady friends! We just play a little game I like to call 'unprotected sex'.

• Nitz : Kimmy showed me how to properly put on a condom. Where's the banana?

  Rocko : I ate it.

  Nitz : There was a condom on it.

• Stoner Dave : "How to Seduce a Woman"? No way, man! Are you on the skunk-weed? This isn't how you do it, bro!

  Nitz : Well then how am I supposed to learn?

  [Dave picks up a stack of videos] 

  Stoner Dave : "Chocolate Trouble", "Sweet Lady Cane", "Fists of Dynamite", "Lips of Love", "Sir Pimps-A-Lot", and my personal favorite, "Black Jackson", mutha!

• Nurse : In order to get properly tested, we ask that you abstain from having sex.

  Cal : For a whole HOUR?

  Nurse : No, for a couple of days.

  Cal : Oh phew, you scared me for a second.

• Duggler : I've read all of the pamphlets thoroughly so if you have any questions my door is always opened.

  Rocko : I've got a question. Why are you such a wad?

  Duggler : [Short pause]  I do not hear you, I do not see you, I will not let you get into the Duggler's head with your bring-downs.

• Jessie : Rocko had a girlfriend? Was she mentally challenged or like a man or something?

  [Rocko scowls at her] 

  Jessie : Okay, for the sake of conversation, let's say your ex wasn't a total whack-job. Why did you break up?

  Rocko : It's sorta complicated.

  [flashback to prom] 

  Rocko : Uh, I know it's prom and all, buuut... I'm breaking up with you so I can get laid by tons of chicks when I go to college. Oh yeah, happy birthday!

• [Watching the porn videos] 

  Tyrie : Watch your ass, Chocolate!

  Chocolate : Ooh, what's the matter, Tyrie? You not man enough to watch it for me?

  [More people sit down and start watching] 

  Woman : I got your number, Black Jackson!

  Jackson : Ding! Now serving 28 baby, and 1 size does fit all!

  [the room begins to fill] 

  Sir Pimps-A-Lot : I ain't neva see that slut in my life!

  Chocolate : Well maybe this will refresh your memory, Pimps-a-lot!

  [zipping noise] 

  Nitz : Man. That Chocolate Sauce is nothin but sweet-ass trouble.

  Stoner Dave : Oh yeah, you got that right.

• [watching X-files] 

  Cal : Sexy Miss Scully. I wonder if she ever had gonorrhea?

• Cal : And while you're doing that, I'm going to go have sex.

• Cal : Later guy. I gotta go have my late-afternoon sex.

• Nitz : She's so pure and good. Don't you see, she's like the Virgin Kimmy!

  Rocko : Stop talking all this virgin crap and help me find a slut.

• Gimpy : Why aren't you guys looking at my Scully screensaver? Look at it! Look at it!

  Nitz : We've seen it, Gimpy.

  Gimpy : But only with your eyes, and not your heart.

• Rocko : I'm not even a virgin. I just said that to get into your pants!

• Nitz : I must find out about women. What makes them tick. Their likes and dislikes. And how to make sweet, sweet love to them all night long.

  Gimpy : The hell?

• Rocko : So, wanna have sex?

  Jessie : You tried that one yesterday, Einstein.

  Rocko : Oh sorry. All chicks look alike to me.

• Rocko : Well, gotta go pick up my bitch for another date.

• Rocko : [Drunk on the phone]  So, I think we should get back together. Dumping you was a big mistake. A big, big...

  [Takes a swig of some liquor, belches] 

  Rocko : Oh you're so friggin' sexy. You have the rounded, sweetest, most incredible...

  The Ex's Mom : [Sound of a phone being picked up]  Rocko? Why are you calling my daughter at this hour? Do you have any idea what time it is?

  Rocko : No. Do you?

  The Ex's Mom : Whatever you have to tell her can certainly wait until this weekend when she's down there visiting State U.

  The Ex : Mom, hang up the phone! Hang up! Rocko, are you high?

  Rocko : Depends on what you're wearing.

  The Ex : Stop calling me and leaving drunk messages on my machine, jackass!

  Rocko : [She hangs up. Rocko calls her back]  Uhh, could you put your mom back on the phone? She sounded kinda sexy.

• Cal : I won't let you do it, best-pal-guy! I won't let you throw away your life for sex!

  Nitz : Move upside and let the man come through.

  Cal : Okay. Watch out for DVDs, guy.

• Gimpy : After days of researching, cross-referencing, being in the most hardcore of hardcore chatrooms, seeing things no man should ever see, I have proven that Mulder and Scully never slept together, not before, not during, not after any of the X-Files episodes or movies.

  Nitz : Well, what about that episode where Fox hooks up with Scully on that ocean liner in that alternate dimension?

  Gimpy : [infuriated]  Alternate dimensions don't count!

• Nitz : A kiss on the cheek from Kimmy Burton is worth a thousand nights in the sack with any other girl.

  Cal : Even...

  Nitz : Yes Cal. Even Rosie O'Donnell.

• Cal : Thanks for coming to the health center with me while I get tested best buddy.

  Nitz : Yeah well, anything to stop you from quoting STD pamphlets in your sleep.