Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance (2004)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• [last lines] 

  Charlie Harper : Well, remember how you were a bed-wetter 'til you were eight?

  Alan Harper : Yeah.

  Charlie Harper : You actually stopped at six.

  Alan Harper : What? What-what did you do? Did you sneak into my room, and-and-and-and pour warm water on me while I was asleep?

  Charlie Harper : Yeah, okay. Let's say it was water, and let's say I poured it.

  [Alan's jaw drops] 

  Charlie Harper : Well, I feel better. How 'bout you?

• Charlie Harper : [from the bathroom after he locks himself in]  There is no Bad Alan. I'm the one who stole the Silly-Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...

  Alan Harper : [starts pounding on the door, shouting]  *Damn you to hell! Come out here and die like a man!*

  Charlie Harper : What do ya know? There is a Bad Alan.

• Evelyn Harper : [Alan is furious with Charlie]  How are my boys doing this evening?

  Evelyn Harper : [no response]  Brrrr... Well, I think Mommy has the answer. Alan, if you find it intolerable living under the same roof with the brother who betrayed you, then you and Jake can come and live with me.

  Alan Harper : [thinks it over, turns to Charlie, shaking his hand]  We're good.

• Alan Harper : [Alan is tucking Jake into bed and talking to him; Jake passes gas]  The lesson was... Oh... God... Jake! That's *awful*!

  Jake Harper : Yeah, I wish I could've saved that one for school.

• Alan Harper : [Charlie's preparing Alka-Seltzer]  You, too?

  Charlie Harper : Yeah. Apparently, Mom wasn't the only parasite at dinner tonight.

• Alan Harper : You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?

  Jake Harper : It's 1-2-3-4. A monkey could crack that.