- [on Geronimo's cowboy boots which bear a resemblance to a certain '90s-era computer manufacturer]
- Crow: His boots are made by Gateway Computers.
- Crow: [Joe Don collapses] In the time it takes him to fall the government in Italy changes three times.
- [during the film, a character drops a gun and causes it to fire]
- Tom Servo: See, Mike, that's what happened when I shot you that one time, and you'd never believe me!
- Mike Nelson: Well, now I know.
- [Joe Don Baker leaves the village after the villagers nursed him back to health]
- Mike Nelson: Well, they hustled him out of the village pretty quick.
- Tom Servo: [as Joe Don] But wait, I'm still sick and wounded.
- Crow: [as villagers] Uh huh. Good-BYE!
- [as Joe Don Baker chugs a large glass of milk]
- Crow: His arteries are just looking at each other, shaking their heads.
- [as the closing theme song plays]
- Theme song singer: You'd better run...
- Mike Nelson: Or he'll steal your lunch.
- Theme song singer: Ru-un
- Mike Nelson: Lu-unch.
- Crow: [upon seeing Joe Don Baker's name in the credits] Ooh, I wish I were illiterate so I wouldn't have to read that.
- [Geronimo's taxi cab driver is framed from up high which gives him a diminutive look]
- Crow: The three-inch taxi cab driver!
- [Geronimo has just threatened a bartender by demonstrating how his ancestors, the Apaches, would slice off people's flesh by peeling an orange]
- Mike Nelson: [as Geronimo] ... or you won't have an unpeeled orange in the place!
- [Geronimo faces a henchman with a child hostage]
- Sheriff Geronimo: [putting his gun away] C'mon. Let's talk.
- Tom Servo: We're driftin' apart.
- [as Joe Don Baker "questions" a prostitute]
- Tom Servo: Our hero, a murderous oaf who threatens women with coat hangers.
- Sheriff Geronimo: If you wanna catch a pig like Palermo, you go to a pig-sty where he wallows.
- Mike Nelson: Well, you'd know pigs.
- [a bar patron, amused that Geronimo doesn't drink booze but milk, pours his drink all over Geronimo's shoes]
- Mike Nelson: [disgusted] Joe Don, what are you --
- [realizing]
- Mike Nelson: Oh.
- [Palermo is disguised as a priest but is repeatedly accosted by a weeping woman]
- Crow: [as Palermo] God is dead, we're closed.
- [a flyover shot of Malta filled with cramped buildings]
- Tom Servo: Yes, plenty of room for development in Malta!
- [Captured by the bad guys, Geronimo is dragged into their lair]
- Crow: Joe Don Baker, arriving on the set of "Final Justice".
- [Geronimo is talking to people on the streets of Malta]
- Mike Nelson: [as Geronimo] Not even "Walking Tall"? You must've seen me in that!
- [Geronimo walks down a crowded Maltese sidewalk, in a shot very similar to one in "Midnight Cowboy"]
- Crow: [singing to the tune of "Everybody's Talkin'"] Everybody's burpin' at me, I can't smell a thing they're eatin'!
- [Geronimo looks out a window at the parade on the street below]
- Mike Nelson: [as Geronimo] Can someone toss me up a calzone?