The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

The Easter Bunny (1996)

Dawn French: Geraldine Granger

Photos 

Quotes 

• Geraldine Granger : Can I have a private talk with you?

  Alice Tinker : Okay, as long as it's not about tampons because I just don't understand them.

• Alice Tinker : [Pouring tea]  I know how you like it, Hugo. Hot and strong!

  [Hugo puts a pound in the box] 

  Alice Tinker : Nice and wet!

  [Hugo puts another pound in the box] 

  Geraldine Granger : On the other hand, I think it's... best if Hugo goes now before he drifts into insolvency!

  Alice Tinker : I've got a lovely donut for you, Hugo.

  Hugo Horton : No thanks.

  Alice Tinker : Some chocolate fingers.

  Hugo Horton : Oh well then, perhaps.

  [Tries to take one from Alice without looking at her] 

  Alice Tinker : They're such fun aren't they? I love just sticking them in my mouth and sucking and sucking until all the chocolate comes right off.

  [Proceeds to do just that in front of Hugo] 

  Hugo Horton : [to Geraldine]  I'm a bit stuck for cash, I'll pay you later.

• David Horton : Item 6, then.

  Geraldine Granger : [Clears her throat]  Yes. As I was saying, since it's Ash Wednesday tomorrow, I thought perhaps we could all try to give something up for Lent?

  Letitia Cropley : Like bondage, you mean?

  Geraldine Granger : Er... possibly, yes.

  [Produces a wooden collection box labelled 'LENT FINES'] 

  Geraldine Granger : And then every time we fail, we have to put a pound in this box. Like you for instance, Newitt. You *could* try to give up swearing, couldn't you?

  Owen Newitt : I *don't* swear.

  Jim Trott : No no no no... yes you do!

  Owen Newitt : I bloody do not!

  Geraldine Granger , Hugo Horton : [Pointing]  In the box, in the box!

  Owen Newitt : 'Bloody's not swearing.

  Hugo Horton : I'm afraid it is.

  Owen Newitt : Bloody, bloody isn't.

  [Geraldine and Hugo nod] 

  Owen Newitt : Bollocks. Now that *is* swearing. And 'arse'. But 'bloody's just 'bloody'. It's a useful adjective, with biblical overtones.

  [Geraldine pointedly places the box in front of him. Resigned, he stands up and points at Mrs Cropley] 

  Owen Newitt : Well, she can give up cooking garbage then - I've eaten tastier slurry than this!

  [Takes a note from his wallet and adds it to the box] 

• Geraldine Granger : Jim! You could give up dithering, couldn't you? How's about it, Jim?

  Jim Trott : Yeah... no no no no... yes... er, well... not too sure... I-I, er...

  [Owen slams the box down in front of him] 

  Owen Newitt : Ha bloody ha!

  [Jim puts a pound in the box, then places it in back front of Owen and points] 

  Owen Newitt : Oh bugger! Oh... arse, arse, arse!

  [Adds a £5 note to the box] 

• David Horton : Right. Fair enough, it's not a bad idea. And pray, what is Saint Geraldine giving up?

  Geraldine Granger : Well... I thought I might give up bubble bath, because I absolutely love the stuff! You know, all that lovely bubbly wubbly wubbly... up your noises, in your toesies...

  David Horton : Or... you could give up chocolate.

  Geraldine Granger : No, I don't think so. Because you see, I don't eat enough chocolate for that to really hurt me.

  [David opens Geraldine's folder to reveal a giant bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk] 

  David Horton : Chocolate!

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, come on! You don't think I'm going to eat all this on my own, do you? This? Look, this is for... all the tiny little orphan children of the parish. Poor little mites, they're starved of love and tenderness...

  [Hugo opens a prayer book, which Geraldine has hollowed out and hidden a Crunchie Bar in] 

  David Horton : [Holding up the bar]  Chocolate!

  Geraldine Granger : OK, chocolate. Yeah, no problem.

  David Horton : [Confiscating the chocolate]  *Now* we'll see who has self control!

• David Horton : How's your little collection going, Vicar? Had to put in many pounds yourself?

  Geraldine Granger : None at all, David. Thank you very much for asking. Hoping to collect a few tonight though! Jim, I expect you'll be contributing a few?

  Jim Trott : Nope.

  Geraldine Granger : No? As in 'No no no no... yes'?

  Jim Trott : On the contrary, nope as in 'Nope'.

• Letitia Cropley : Excuse me. Mr Chairman, if I could just butt in a moment.

  David Horton : [Warmly]  Of course, Letitia - you butt in to your heart's content, my little beauty!

  Letitia Cropley : I just wondered if anyone would like to try my homemade orange juice.

  [Brings out a tray with glasses of juice] 

  Geraldine Granger : [Rubbing her hands]  Aha! What's in it, Mrs C?

  Letitia Cropley : Orange juice.

  Geraldine Granger : Yes, but anything else? No yeast, no balsamic vinegar? No urine?

  Letitia Cropley : No.

• Geraldine Granger : As the BBC said to Esther Rantzen when they axed her show, "That's Life!".

• Geraldine Granger : [sighs]  If I'd have known becoming a priest would entail dressing up in a rabbit costume, I'd have had a complete rethink and taken up prostitution. As indeed my headmistress originally suggested! Mind you, I'd probably have ended up in a rabbit costume then as well.

• Owen Newitt : Sorry I'm late. All my cows escaped.

  Geraldine Granger : [Obviously trying to tempt him into breaking his Lent resolution to give up swearing]  Ooh, *bloody* cows! They're a *bloody* nuisance, aren't they?

  Owen Newitt : [Not falling for it]  They can be a bit of a bore, yes.

• Hugo Horton : It's this Lent thingy. At the meeting, you all had to give something up, and the thing is, nobody asked me. And I think it's perhaps because everyone thinks I'm such a bore that I couldn't possibly have anything interesting to give up. As if I didn't have a personality at all.

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, you're not a bore at all, Hugo! You're a riveting human being. I'm sure you've got lots of vices you could give up, like... well, like gambling, for instance? Bet you like a little flutter every now and again!

  [Hugo looks blank] 

  Geraldine Granger : No... um, smoking?

  [Hugo still looks blank] 

  Geraldine Granger : No. Um... I know, wearing a shirt without a tie.

  [Hugo pulls down the neck of his jumper to reveal that he is wearing a tie] 

  Geraldine Granger : Oh.

  Hugo Horton : Does, er... does drinking coffee count as a vice?

  Geraldine Granger : [Sternly]  It does indeed! Coffee, the broth of Satan! It's a drug, Hugo! Give it up now!

  Hugo Horton : No, no. I-I don't drink it. But I-I thought I could start, and then I'd have something to give up next year.

  Geraldine Granger : Right, brilliant. Yeah.

  Hugo Horton : The, er... the only other thing is, I... I do think about... *it* quite a bit. You know, 'it'.

  Geraldine Granger : No, not with you.

  Hugo Horton : You know, 'it'. With, er, people like Mariella Frostrup and... Sharon Stone and... Norma Major, naked.

  Geraldine Granger : Ah, *it*! Well, there you go, then. Not that it's exactly an *arrestable* offence. Although the Norma Major thing could land you in some kind of an institution. No, good, right. Well, you stop thinking about 'it'. And every time you do, a pound in that box.

  Hugo Horton : Great. Old sinner, me!

  Geraldine Granger : Yes!

  [Alice enters the room with a tea tray] 

  Geraldine Granger : Oh good, tea. Very good timing. Hugo and I were just finished.

  [On seeing Alice, Hugo puts a pound in the Lent box] 

• David Horton : Right. Let's begin. Item 1, the new video club. How's it coming on, Vicar?

  Geraldine Granger : Yes, well I've had some thoughts about the kind of film...

  David Horton : Oh, don't mind me. Didn't have any supper.

  [Starts eating a Mars Bar] 

  David Horton : Mmm.

  Geraldine Granger : [Distracted]  Er... yes, er... as I was saying...

  David Horton : Oh, sorry. Forgetting my manners. Anybody else like a bar?

  [Starts handing out bars of chocolate to the others] 

• Geraldine Granger : [to a collection of mini chocolate Easter eggs, which have been sat on after she hid them under a blanket on the sofa]  Oh, my poor broken darlings.

  [Transferring them to a box] 

  Geraldine Granger : I promise your lives will not have been wasted in vain. Come Monday, I'll put you on a lovely big gooey chocolate fondue.

  [Alice enters] 

  Geraldine Granger : Come on, darling. Come on, darling.

  Alice Tinker : Hello, Vicar.

  [Geraldine jumps and screams in fright] 

  Alice Tinker : What are you doing with all those chocolates?

  Geraldine Granger : Er... wh-what these chocolates? These? Er... just trying to think up a convincing lie!

  Alice Tinker : [Crossly]  Come on, hand them over you Little Miss Naughty!

  [Starts wrapping up the remaining chocolates on the sofa in the blanket] 

  Geraldine Granger : Alice, Alice. Give me back those chocolates.

  Alice Tinker : Not until after Easter.

  Geraldine Granger : Alice, I need those chocolates!

  Alice Tinker : [Shaking her head]  No, you don't *need* them, Geraldine. You *want* them. And that's a very different thing!

  Geraldine Granger : Unfortunately Alice, I'm not legally allowed to kill you, so I'm going to have to tell you something. Come and sit down now.

• Geraldine Granger : Now, you still believe that the Easter Bunny buys all the eggs for the children and distributes them, don't you?

  Alice Tinker : That's right.

  Geraldine Granger : Well, he doesn't. I bought these eggs for the children to hide in the gardens on Easter morning.

  Alice Tinker : No. No, you didn't...

  Geraldine Granger : Yes, yes. You see, just before she died, Mrs Cropley...

  [Alice starts crying] 

  Geraldine Granger : Erm... Mrs Cropley...

  [Alice raises a handkerchief to her nose] 

  Geraldine Granger : ... got a phone call from the Easter Bunny! Who said he was just too busy to buy them this year. You know, he's... filling out all the forms for the Child Support Agency.

  Alice Tinker : What, with being a rabbit and everything?

  Geraldine Granger : Precisely! So he asked her to buy them, and on her deathbed she asked me. She said I had to be sure to get them ready for tonight, otherwise the old bunnyster would get all het up. And then I'd be dealing with a very... hot cross bunny, wouldn't I? See?

  Alice Tinker : [Cheering up]  Oh, fine! Here, let me help.

• Geraldine Granger : What about you, David? Perhaps you could be a little bit more friendly to everyone.

  Hugo Horton : Yes, father. Everyone's fed up to the back teeth with you shouting at them all the time like... some great... big bald... shouty type person.

  [David glares at him] 

  Hugo Horton : Except for me, of course!

  Frank Pickle : He's got a point, Sir.

  David Horton : [Stiffly]  Very well, easy-peasy! Although I'd quite like to know where all this money is actually going to.

  Geraldine Granger : Well, I thought we could start a neighbourhood video club. You know, on Friday nights in the hall, for people who haven't got a video of their own.

  Jim Trott : I've got a video, but it doesn't work. I plugged it in, switched it on and nothing.

  Frank Pickle : I didn't know you even had a TV.

  Jim Trott : No, I haven't. I... I-I plugged the video into the radio instead.

• Geraldine Granger : Now, at 10, your mother sat you down and she told you that Kermit was really just an old green sock. At 20, she told you about Santa Claus.

  Alice Tinker : What about him?

  Geraldine Granger : Moving on, this is the awful moment when I tell you that the Easter Bunny absolutely and totally does not exist at all.

  Alice Tinker : Well, maybe not where you come from. But here, we've got out very own proper Easter Bunny. I've seen it.

• Letitia Cropley : You will be honest with me, won't you. I know I can trust you.

  Geraldine Granger : You can trust me, yes.

  Letitia Cropley : My cooking, was I a great experimenter, a pioneer, whose rich command of unorthodox mixtures will be the stuff of legend in the new millennium, or was my food just ghastly? You can tell a dying woman the truth, Vicar.

  Geraldine Granger : Very well. You are one of the greats. Mrs. Beeton, Delia Smith, Letitia Cropley. That's the trinity.

  Letitia Cropley : I thought so.

• Geraldine Granger : What is the ancient curse?

  Alice Tinker : Whoever shall question the rabbit but once, their firstborn shall thenceforth be a dunce.

  Geraldine Granger : And has anyone questioned it recently?

  Alice Tinker : Actually, my mum did.

• Frank Pickle : Ah, you didn't know her if you didn't know her when she was young.

  Geraldine Granger : What was she like, young?

  Jim Trott : No, no, no, no, Rampant!

  Geraldine Granger : Really?

  Jim Trott : Oh yes. She was a lovely-looking girl. Red hair right down to her waist, eyes so bright, they sparkled in the dark, and a French kiss that would suck the tongue out of your mouth like an industrial vacuum.