The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

The Easter Bunny (1996)

James Fleet: Hugo Horton

Quotes 

• Letitia Cropley : Oh, that just reminds me. As it's Shrove Tuesday, I've made you these Pancakes from all my leftovers.

  Hugo Horton : Hot diggety dog, Mrs C!

  Letitia Cropley : [Setting down two plates of pancakes]  Now, these ones are lard and fish paste, and these are the plain ones.

  [Everyone makes a dive for the plain ones] 

  Letitia Cropley : With just a hint of liver.

  [Everyone freezes] 

• Alice Tinker : [Pouring tea]  I know how you like it, Hugo. Hot and strong!

  [Hugo puts a pound in the box] 

  Alice Tinker : Nice and wet!

  [Hugo puts another pound in the box] 

  Geraldine Granger : On the other hand, I think it's... best if Hugo goes now before he drifts into insolvency!

  Alice Tinker : I've got a lovely donut for you, Hugo.

  Hugo Horton : No thanks.

  Alice Tinker : Some chocolate fingers.

  Hugo Horton : Oh well then, perhaps.

  [Tries to take one from Alice without looking at her] 

  Alice Tinker : They're such fun aren't they? I love just sticking them in my mouth and sucking and sucking until all the chocolate comes right off.

  [Proceeds to do just that in front of Hugo] 

  Hugo Horton : [to Geraldine]  I'm a bit stuck for cash, I'll pay you later.

• David Horton : Item 6, then.

  Geraldine Granger : [Clears her throat]  Yes. As I was saying, since it's Ash Wednesday tomorrow, I thought perhaps we could all try to give something up for Lent?

  Letitia Cropley : Like bondage, you mean?

  Geraldine Granger : Er... possibly, yes.

  [Produces a wooden collection box labelled 'LENT FINES'] 

  Geraldine Granger : And then every time we fail, we have to put a pound in this box. Like you for instance, Newitt. You *could* try to give up swearing, couldn't you?

  Owen Newitt : I *don't* swear.

  Jim Trott : No no no no... yes you do!

  Owen Newitt : I bloody do not!

  Geraldine Granger , Hugo Horton : [Pointing]  In the box, in the box!

  Owen Newitt : 'Bloody's not swearing.

  Hugo Horton : I'm afraid it is.

  Owen Newitt : Bloody, bloody isn't.

  [Geraldine and Hugo nod] 

  Owen Newitt : Bollocks. Now that *is* swearing. And 'arse'. But 'bloody's just 'bloody'. It's a useful adjective, with biblical overtones.

  [Geraldine pointedly places the box in front of him. Resigned, he stands up and points at Mrs Cropley] 

  Owen Newitt : Well, she can give up cooking garbage then - I've eaten tastier slurry than this!

  [Takes a note from his wallet and adds it to the box] 

• Hugo Horton : It's this Lent thingy. At the meeting, you all had to give something up, and the thing is, nobody asked me. And I think it's perhaps because everyone thinks I'm such a bore that I couldn't possibly have anything interesting to give up. As if I didn't have a personality at all.

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, you're not a bore at all, Hugo! You're a riveting human being. I'm sure you've got lots of vices you could give up, like... well, like gambling, for instance? Bet you like a little flutter every now and again!

  [Hugo looks blank] 

  Geraldine Granger : No... um, smoking?

  [Hugo still looks blank] 

  Geraldine Granger : No. Um... I know, wearing a shirt without a tie.

  [Hugo pulls down the neck of his jumper to reveal that he is wearing a tie] 

  Geraldine Granger : Oh.

  Hugo Horton : Does, er... does drinking coffee count as a vice?

  Geraldine Granger : [Sternly]  It does indeed! Coffee, the broth of Satan! It's a drug, Hugo! Give it up now!

  Hugo Horton : No, no. I-I don't drink it. But I-I thought I could start, and then I'd have something to give up next year.

  Geraldine Granger : Right, brilliant. Yeah.

  Hugo Horton : The, er... the only other thing is, I... I do think about... *it* quite a bit. You know, 'it'.

  Geraldine Granger : No, not with you.

  Hugo Horton : You know, 'it'. With, er, people like Mariella Frostrup and... Sharon Stone and... Norma Major, naked.

  Geraldine Granger : Ah, *it*! Well, there you go, then. Not that it's exactly an *arrestable* offence. Although the Norma Major thing could land you in some kind of an institution. No, good, right. Well, you stop thinking about 'it'. And every time you do, a pound in that box.

  Hugo Horton : Great. Old sinner, me!

  Geraldine Granger : Yes!

  [Alice enters the room with a tea tray] 

  Geraldine Granger : Oh good, tea. Very good timing. Hugo and I were just finished.

  [On seeing Alice, Hugo puts a pound in the Lent box] 

• Geraldine Granger : What about you, David? Perhaps you could be a little bit more friendly to everyone.

  Hugo Horton : Yes, father. Everyone's fed up to the back teeth with you shouting at them all the time like... some great... big bald... shouty type person.

  [David glares at him] 

  Hugo Horton : Except for me, of course!

  Frank Pickle : He's got a point, Sir.

  David Horton : [Stiffly]  Very well, easy-peasy! Although I'd quite like to know where all this money is actually going to.

  Geraldine Granger : Well, I thought we could start a neighbourhood video club. You know, on Friday nights in the hall, for people who haven't got a video of their own.

  Jim Trott : I've got a video, but it doesn't work. I plugged it in, switched it on and nothing.

  Frank Pickle : I didn't know you even had a TV.

  Jim Trott : No, I haven't. I... I-I plugged the video into the radio instead.