The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

The Easter Bunny (1996)

Emma Chambers: Alice Tinker

Quotes 

• Geraldine Granger : Can I have a private talk with you?

  Alice Tinker : Okay, as long as it's not about tampons because I just don't understand them.

• Alice Tinker : [Pouring tea]  I know how you like it, Hugo. Hot and strong!

  [Hugo puts a pound in the box] 

  Alice Tinker : Nice and wet!

  [Hugo puts another pound in the box] 

  Geraldine Granger : On the other hand, I think it's... best if Hugo goes now before he drifts into insolvency!

  Alice Tinker : I've got a lovely donut for you, Hugo.

  Hugo Horton : No thanks.

  Alice Tinker : Some chocolate fingers.

  Hugo Horton : Oh well then, perhaps.

  [Tries to take one from Alice without looking at her] 

  Alice Tinker : They're such fun aren't they? I love just sticking them in my mouth and sucking and sucking until all the chocolate comes right off.

  [Proceeds to do just that in front of Hugo] 

  Hugo Horton : [to Geraldine]  I'm a bit stuck for cash, I'll pay you later.

• Geraldine Granger : [to a collection of mini chocolate Easter eggs, which have been sat on after she hid them under a blanket on the sofa]  Oh, my poor broken darlings.

  [Transferring them to a box] 

  Geraldine Granger : I promise your lives will not have been wasted in vain. Come Monday, I'll put you on a lovely big gooey chocolate fondue.

  [Alice enters] 

  Geraldine Granger : Come on, darling. Come on, darling.

  Alice Tinker : Hello, Vicar.

  [Geraldine jumps and screams in fright] 

  Alice Tinker : What are you doing with all those chocolates?

  Geraldine Granger : Er... wh-what these chocolates? These? Er... just trying to think up a convincing lie!

  Alice Tinker : [Crossly]  Come on, hand them over you Little Miss Naughty!

  [Starts wrapping up the remaining chocolates on the sofa in the blanket] 

  Geraldine Granger : Alice, Alice. Give me back those chocolates.

  Alice Tinker : Not until after Easter.

  Geraldine Granger : Alice, I need those chocolates!

  Alice Tinker : [Shaking her head]  No, you don't *need* them, Geraldine. You *want* them. And that's a very different thing!

  Geraldine Granger : Unfortunately Alice, I'm not legally allowed to kill you, so I'm going to have to tell you something. Come and sit down now.

• Geraldine Granger : Now, you still believe that the Easter Bunny buys all the eggs for the children and distributes them, don't you?

  Alice Tinker : That's right.

  Geraldine Granger : Well, he doesn't. I bought these eggs for the children to hide in the gardens on Easter morning.

  Alice Tinker : No. No, you didn't...

  Geraldine Granger : Yes, yes. You see, just before she died, Mrs Cropley...

  [Alice starts crying] 

  Geraldine Granger : Erm... Mrs Cropley...

  [Alice raises a handkerchief to her nose] 

  Geraldine Granger : ... got a phone call from the Easter Bunny! Who said he was just too busy to buy them this year. You know, he's... filling out all the forms for the Child Support Agency.

  Alice Tinker : What, with being a rabbit and everything?

  Geraldine Granger : Precisely! So he asked her to buy them, and on her deathbed she asked me. She said I had to be sure to get them ready for tonight, otherwise the old bunnyster would get all het up. And then I'd be dealing with a very... hot cross bunny, wouldn't I? See?

  Alice Tinker : [Cheering up]  Oh, fine! Here, let me help.

• Geraldine Granger : Now, at 10, your mother sat you down and she told you that Kermit was really just an old green sock. At 20, she told you about Santa Claus.

  Alice Tinker : What about him?

  Geraldine Granger : Moving on, this is the awful moment when I tell you that the Easter Bunny absolutely and totally does not exist at all.

  Alice Tinker : Well, maybe not where you come from. But here, we've got out very own proper Easter Bunny. I've seen it.

• Geraldine Granger : What is the ancient curse?

  Alice Tinker : Whoever shall question the rabbit but once, their firstborn shall thenceforth be a dunce.

  Geraldine Granger : And has anyone questioned it recently?

  Alice Tinker : Actually, my mum did.