The Thick of It (TV Series)

Episode #1.1 (2005)

Chris Langham: Hugh Abbot

Quotes 

• Hugh Abbot : [on the phone, fter the Snooper Force announcement]  Malcolm!

  Malcolm Tucker : What the fuck was that? Was this the whole Snooper Force thing from you?

  Hugh Abbot : Malcolm, I've talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. He gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.

  Malcolm Tucker : Don't you realise, we have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about?

  Hugh Abbot : I can hear that you are, as your usual, upset.

  Malcolm Tucker : I'll tell you why I am upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at the Treasury, these people, they are so paranoid! If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them on e-mail, they think you've started a palace coup!

  Hugh Abbot : Malcolm...

  Malcolm Tucker : You don't seem to understand that I am gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister actually say to you?

  Hugh Abbot : He actually said this is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.

  Malcolm Tucker : What did he actually say?

  Hugh Abbot : He said this is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.

  Malcolm Tucker : 'SHOULD' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'.

• Malcolm Tucker : I'm hacked off, mate.

  Hugh Abbot : But we killed it, it's killed.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, "but once you start the fire, Malc, and we didn't start the fire, it's always burning since the world's been turning" et cetera, et cetera...

  Hugh Abbot : So... Malcolm, you're not making any sence.

  Malcolm Tucker : Prime Minister, obviously, he's on the plane in Stokholm, someone hits him with The World At One. He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one so he... he stuck with the story.

  Hugh Abbot : He liked it?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force.

  Hugh Abbot : Oh, right! We shouldn't really then... You shouldn't really have told us to... Should you?

  Malcolm Tucker : Don't should me, Hugh, 'cause I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window! None of this should be happening, should it? Should it?

  Hugh Abbot : Is that "should" in a sence of "yes"?

  Malcolm Tucker : It's "should" in a sence "you should do as you're fucking told"!

  Hugh Abbot : So what are we gonna do now?

  Malcolm Tucker : You're gonna completely reverse your position.

  Hugh Abbot : Hang on a second... Malcolm... That's not gonna be easy. That's gonna be quite hard.

  Malcolm Tucker : Well, the announcement you didn't make today - you did.

  Hugh Abbot : No, I didn't. And there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.

  Malcolm Tucker : Fuck them.

  Hugh Abbot : I'm not sure what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.

  Malcolm Tucker : Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't REALLY believe that you said it, they know that you never said it, but it's in their interest to say that you said it, because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying.

  Hugh Abbot : Yeah, I am following this, I just...

  Malcolm Tucker : I had a friend who used to indulge in extra-marital affairs, ok? He'd go off and he'd have some dalliance and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did that is inside his head turn a little switch - the affair never happened, ok?

• Hugh Abbot : I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't wanna see this guy ever again.

  Glenn Cullen : On what grounds?

  Hugh Abbot : Smiling! Innapropriate smiling! And smirking! Smiling and smirking! I don't wanna see that smile or smirk ever again, ok?

• Malcolm Tucker : What did the Prime Minister ACTUALLY said to you?

  Hugh Abbott : He actually said this is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.

  Malcolm Tucker : "SHOULD" be doing. "Should" does not mean "yes".

• Glenn Cullen : And Olly's offered Angela a private life piece about you.

  Hugh Abbot : Oh, great.

  Glenn Cullen : A Sunday walk with the family, that sort of thing.

  Hugh Abbot : She's gonna be checking through my books, and snooping in my bathroom cabinet, and making snide remarks about how I don't know who Gail Porter is.

  Glenn Cullen : We did dick her about a bit today, Hugh.

  Hugh Abbot : Yeah.

  Glenn Cullen : And, we're getting a proper roasting at the moment for what has been dubbed, but I wouldn't call, Flip-Flop Friday.

• Hugh Abbot : 'Should', does it mean 'yes'?

  Glenn Cullen : Yes, "we should do this".

  Hugh Abbot : When Tucker was talking to me 'should' didn't mean 'yes'. I mean it really didn't. I felt like a fool.

• Hugh Abbott : I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't wanna see this guy ever again.

  Glenn Cullen : On what grounds?

  Hugh Abbott : Smiling! Inappropriate smiling! And smirking! Smiling and smirking! I don't wanna see that smile or smirk ever again, ok?