The Thick of It (TV Series)

Episode #1.1 (2005)

Peter Capaldi: Malcolm Tucker

Photos 

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : [on the phone]  No, he's useless, he's absolutely useless. No, he is. He's as useless as a marzipan dildo.

• Malcolm Tucker : Seriously, the PM likes you personally. I like you personally, and we have absolutely no desire to get rid of you. I just want you to know that. None of this negative stuff is coming from us.

  Cliff Lawton : Oh, Mal, mate, that... makes a big difference, makes me feel a lot more secure.

  Malcolm Tucker : Does it? Well, that's difficult.

  Cliff Lawton : What's difficult?

  Malcolm Tucker : Just endless headlines, just endless, day after day, chipping away at your confidence.

  Cliff Lawton : Absolutely.

  Malcolm Tucker : See, the thing is, that we're starting to look weak. Everyone say "When's he gonna go? When's he gonna go?".

  Cliff Lawton : Right...

  Malcolm Tucker : And you don't want us to look weak, do you?

  Cliff Lawton : No, no...

  Malcolm Tucker : So there you are. That's why you got to go.

• Hugh Abbot : [on the phone, fter the Snooper Force announcement]  Malcolm!

  Malcolm Tucker : What the fuck was that? Was this the whole Snooper Force thing from you?

  Hugh Abbot : Malcolm, I've talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. He gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.

  Malcolm Tucker : Don't you realise, we have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about?

  Hugh Abbot : I can hear that you are, as your usual, upset.

  Malcolm Tucker : I'll tell you why I am upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at the Treasury, these people, they are so paranoid! If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them on e-mail, they think you've started a palace coup!

  Hugh Abbot : Malcolm...

  Malcolm Tucker : You don't seem to understand that I am gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister actually say to you?

  Hugh Abbot : He actually said this is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.

  Malcolm Tucker : What did he actually say?

  Hugh Abbot : He said this is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.

  Malcolm Tucker : 'SHOULD' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'.

• Malcolm Tucker : I'm hacked off, mate.

  Hugh Abbot : But we killed it, it's killed.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, "but once you start the fire, Malc, and we didn't start the fire, it's always burning since the world's been turning" et cetera, et cetera...

  Hugh Abbot : So... Malcolm, you're not making any sence.

  Malcolm Tucker : Prime Minister, obviously, he's on the plane in Stokholm, someone hits him with The World At One. He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one so he... he stuck with the story.

  Hugh Abbot : He liked it?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force.

  Hugh Abbot : Oh, right! We shouldn't really then... You shouldn't really have told us to... Should you?

  Malcolm Tucker : Don't should me, Hugh, 'cause I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window! None of this should be happening, should it? Should it?

  Hugh Abbot : Is that "should" in a sence of "yes"?

  Malcolm Tucker : It's "should" in a sence "you should do as you're fucking told"!

  Hugh Abbot : So what are we gonna do now?

  Malcolm Tucker : You're gonna completely reverse your position.

  Hugh Abbot : Hang on a second... Malcolm... That's not gonna be easy. That's gonna be quite hard.

  Malcolm Tucker : Well, the announcement you didn't make today - you did.

  Hugh Abbot : No, I didn't. And there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.

  Malcolm Tucker : Fuck them.

  Hugh Abbot : I'm not sure what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.

  Malcolm Tucker : Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't REALLY believe that you said it, they know that you never said it, but it's in their interest to say that you said it, because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying.

  Hugh Abbot : Yeah, I am following this, I just...

  Malcolm Tucker : I had a friend who used to indulge in extra-marital affairs, ok? He'd go off and he'd have some dalliance and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did that is inside his head turn a little switch - the affair never happened, ok?

• Malcolm Tucker : [Ollie and Angela arguing. Tucker comes in]  Hi, Angela! Oh, like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going?

  Olly Reeder : Fine. We were just talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper...

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, I don't know. Maybe you should! Good idea!

  [leaves. Then comes back] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, wait a minute! I know why she shouldn't! Because , you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or even fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know, which, obviously, that's all of them and I'd tell them to gauge her name out of their adress books so she'd never even get a job on a hospital radio where the sad sack belongs.

• Malcolm Tucker : What did the Prime Minister ACTUALLY said to you?

  Hugh Abbott : He actually said this is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.

  Malcolm Tucker : "SHOULD" be doing. "Should" does not mean "yes".

• Cliff Lawton : Malcolm, look, if you do this, it's the bollocks of a jungle out there. They're like wolves, pissed wolves.

  Malcolm Tucker : I've made the announcement, I've told the lobby you're going, Cliff.

  Cliff Lawton : You've told the lobby I'm going?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, sorry, Cliff.

  Cliff Lawton : Minister.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10 in twenty minutes. Also, drafted you a letter of resignation. Gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you WERE pushed, sorry.

  Cliff Lawton : Erm... look, you don't need to do all this. What about Tom? Everybody knows that he's fucking up Transport.

  Malcolm Tucker : We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important.

  Cliff Lawton : What, and Social Affairs isn't?

  Malcolm Tucker : Ok, the Department of Social Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport! Transport's cars, buses, trucks!

  Cliff Lawton : I know what Transport fucking entails!

  [Tucker looks at him frighteningly] 

  Cliff Lawton : Look, I'll look at it.

  [reads the resignation letter] 

  Cliff Lawton : Personal reasons?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, I thought it would give you adequate scope.

  Cliff Lawton : Scope? What, like shooting up at the Cabinet office, or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank, what do you mean, scope?

  Malcolm Tucker : You know, this could be agreat deal worse. You have had a good innings, you've been here for 18 months. And, you know, I've written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed! I had a lump in my throat! And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this SO FAR, ok? Right, one more thing. The Daily Mail. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press presure.

  Cliff Lawton : I wonder why.

  Malcolm Tucker : Look, you are in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm, that's over! You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world! Get on the phone! Tell him that you're jumping before you're pushed, although we were going to push you, but not because of press pressure but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they are!

  Cliff Lawton : You want me to write my own obituary.

  Malcolm Tucker : Get on the fucking phone, do it now.