The Thick of It (TV Series)

Episode #1.1 (2005)

Tim Bentinck: Cliff Lawton

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : Seriously, the PM likes you personally. I like you personally, and we have absolutely no desire to get rid of you. I just want you to know that. None of this negative stuff is coming from us.

  Cliff Lawton : Oh, Mal, mate, that... makes a big difference, makes me feel a lot more secure.

  Malcolm Tucker : Does it? Well, that's difficult.

  Cliff Lawton : What's difficult?

  Malcolm Tucker : Just endless headlines, just endless, day after day, chipping away at your confidence.

  Cliff Lawton : Absolutely.

  Malcolm Tucker : See, the thing is, that we're starting to look weak. Everyone say "When's he gonna go? When's he gonna go?".

  Cliff Lawton : Right...

  Malcolm Tucker : And you don't want us to look weak, do you?

  Cliff Lawton : No, no...

  Malcolm Tucker : So there you are. That's why you got to go.

• Cliff Lawton : Its the bollocks of the jungle out there. They're like wolves, pissed wolves!

• Cliff Lawton : Malcolm, look, if you do this, it's the bollocks of a jungle out there. They're like wolves, pissed wolves.

  Malcolm Tucker : I've made the announcement, I've told the lobby you're going, Cliff.

  Cliff Lawton : You've told the lobby I'm going?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, sorry, Cliff.

  Cliff Lawton : Minister.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10 in twenty minutes. Also, drafted you a letter of resignation. Gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you WERE pushed, sorry.

  Cliff Lawton : Erm... look, you don't need to do all this. What about Tom? Everybody knows that he's fucking up Transport.

  Malcolm Tucker : We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important.

  Cliff Lawton : What, and Social Affairs isn't?

  Malcolm Tucker : Ok, the Department of Social Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport! Transport's cars, buses, trucks!

  Cliff Lawton : I know what Transport fucking entails!

  [Tucker looks at him frighteningly] 

  Cliff Lawton : Look, I'll look at it.

  [reads the resignation letter] 

  Cliff Lawton : Personal reasons?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, I thought it would give you adequate scope.

  Cliff Lawton : Scope? What, like shooting up at the Cabinet office, or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank, what do you mean, scope?

  Malcolm Tucker : You know, this could be agreat deal worse. You have had a good innings, you've been here for 18 months. And, you know, I've written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed! I had a lump in my throat! And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this SO FAR, ok? Right, one more thing. The Daily Mail. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press presure.

  Cliff Lawton : I wonder why.

  Malcolm Tucker : Look, you are in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm, that's over! You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world! Get on the phone! Tell him that you're jumping before you're pushed, although we were going to push you, but not because of press pressure but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they are!

  Cliff Lawton : You want me to write my own obituary.

  Malcolm Tucker : Get on the fucking phone, do it now.

• Terri Coverley : [Terri, about Cliff's boxes]  Do you mind taking them?

  Cliff Lawton : No. Why?

  Terri Coverley : Malcolm's there.

  Cliff Lawton : Malcolm? Where? In there?

  Terri Coverley : In your office.

  Cliff Lawton : Why?

  Terri Coverley : Just a social call.

  Cliff Lawton : A social call. Jesus Christ.