- [during baseball practice]
- Elliot Thogmorton: Strike!
- Alice Freeze: What?
- Father Crool: I could hearr that ball teasing with the devil himself it was that close to the ground. Are you blind?
- Elliot Thogmorton: Strike three. You're out, Father.
- Alice Freeze: You know, back in my undertaking parlor, we're having a sale on caskets for obnoxious tall people.
- Zeke: Anybody interested in buying my pearl leather hunting knife - three dollars including a leather sheaf.
- Varges De La Cosa: My friend, that's a one-of-a-kind. The blade was forged in *Cordona*.
- Bannister Sparks: Well, why the sudden need for capital?
- Zeke: I dunno. Maybe someday, I'll want to head for parts unknown.
- Brodie Hollister: Well, I've been there and the food's terrible.
- Zeke: It's just a man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do.
- Bannister Sparks: [laughing] Now Zeke, you're fourteen years old. You don't want to be in any hurry to do what a man's gotta do.
- [Elliot hits a baseball towards one of Bannister's windows]
- Varges De La Cosa: Foul ball.
- [Brodie draws his pistol and shoots the ball interrupting its flight]
- Brodie Hollister: Baseballs are cheaper than windows.
- [the governor's stagecoach drives into Wildside as the Chamber of Commerce is fighting outlaws with gunfire and dynamite]
- Bannister Sparks: Well, Governor, we apologize for the welcome, but we were in the process of disposing of some unwanted guests.
- Governor J. Wendell Summerhayes: Yeah. It was a nice job, boys. I saw that. I've heard of boomtowns before...
- Brodie Hollister: It looks like the Chamber of Commerce of Wildside is goin' on another huntin' trip.
- [while looking for Alice Freeze in her undertaker parlor, Varges hears a bell ring, then sees a coffin lid slowly open to reveal Alice inside]
- Alice Freeze: Hi there! Really somethin', don't you think?
- Varges De La Cosa: What is?
- Alice Freeze: Well, you see, is you ever wake up in here before we plant you, pull this chain...
- [she does and the bell rings]
- Alice Freeze: [laughing] ... and we know we made a terrible mistake.
- Varges De La Cosa: [chuckles grimly] Why are you in there?
- Alice Freeze: Why, I'd hate to sell this to someone and find out it doesn't work. Could you imagine? They'd be awful perturbed.