The West Wing (TV Series)
The Crackpots and These Women (1999)
Richard Schiff: Toby Ziegler
Photos
Quotes
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[the Senior Staff are playing a pick-up basketball game with the President]
Josh Lyman : Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's this?
President Josiah Bartlet : I'm making a substitution.
Toby Ziegler : Who is this guy?
President Josiah Bartlet : Mr. Grant's a new member of my team.
Toby Ziegler : A ringer, perhaps?
President Josiah Bartlet : Mr. Grant is a federal employee.
[Mr. Grant is played by real-life NBA forward Juwan Howard]
Toby Ziegler : You know the thing about you, Mr. President? It isn't so much that you cheat. It's how brazenly bad you are at it.
President Josiah Bartlet : I beg your pardon?
Josh Lyman : Toby's got a point there, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet : When have I ever cheated?
Toby Ziegler : Up in Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J. You tried to tell us that your partner worked at the American consulate in Vienna.
President Josiah Bartlet : And she did.
Toby Ziegler : It was Steffi Graf, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet : Well, I will admit that the woman bore a striking resemblance...
Toby Ziegler : It was Steffi Graf, you crazy lunatic! You think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?
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Toby Ziegler : ...If I were an actor or a writer or uh, uh, uh, a producer in Hollywood and someone were to start coming at me with lists of things that were American and un-American I'd start to think that this was sounding eerily familiar.
President Josiah Bartlet : Do I look like Joe McCarthy to you, Toby?
Toby Ziegler : No, sir. Nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy. That's how they get in the door in the first place.
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Leo McGarry : Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.
Toby Ziegler : Huh.
Leo McGarry : I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.
Toby Ziegler : Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?
Leo McGarry : We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.
Sam Seaborn : Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese.
Leo McGarry : And Sam goes on my list!
Sam Seaborn : And what about Toby?
Leo McGarry : I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.
Mandy Hampton : And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.
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Toby Ziegler : Charlie, guard the new guy.