- Toby Ziegler: Mrs. Landingham, does the president have free time this morning?
- Mrs. Landingham: The president has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?
- Toby Ziegler: Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham.
- Mrs. Landingham: What age would that be, Toby?
- Toby Ziegler: Late twenties?
- Mrs. Landingham: Atta boy.
- Toby Ziegler: Can I have a cookie?
- Mrs. Landingham: No.
- Sam Seaborn: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
- Toby Ziegler: [pause] Really?
- Sam Seaborn: Yes.
- Toby Ziegler: You accidentally slept with a prostitute?
- Sam Seaborn: A call girl.
- Toby Ziegler: Accidentally?
- Sam Seaborn: Yes.
- Toby Ziegler: I don't understand. Did you trip over something?
- Josh Lyman: Victory is mine, victory is mine. Great day in the morning, people, victory is mine.
- Donna Moss: Morning, Josh.
- Josh Lyman: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.
- Donna Moss: It's going to be an unbearable day.
- Josh Lyman: Someone give me a river to forge, a serpent to slay.
- C.J. Cregg: What's his problem?
- Donna Moss: He's been drinking from the keg of glory. We're to bring him all the muffins and bagels in the land.
- Toby Ziegler: We heard.
- President Josiah Bartlet: 27 lawyers in the room. Anybody know "Post hoc, ergo propter hoc"? Josh?
- Josh Lyman: Uh, uh, "post" - after, after hoc, "ergo" - therefore, "After hoc, therefore" something else hoc.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Thank you. Next?
- Josh Lyman: Well, if I had gotten more credit on the 443...
- President Josiah Bartlet: Leo?
- Leo McGarry: "After it therefore because of it."
- President Josiah Bartlet: "After it therefore because of it." It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact, it's hardly ever true.
- President Josiah Bartlet: What is that?
- Morris Tolliver: It's a flu shot.
- President Josiah Bartlet: I don't need a flu shot.
- Morris Tolliver: You do need a flu shot.
- President Josiah Bartlet: How do I know this isn't the start of a military coup?
- Morris Tolliver: Sir...
- President Josiah Bartlet: I want the Secret Service in here right away.
- Morris Tolliver: In the event of a military coup, sir, what makes you think the Secret Service is going to be on your side?
- President Josiah Bartlet: [pause] Now that's a thought that's going to fester.
- President Josiah Bartlet: It's not like I'm totally without experience, you know.
- Morris Tolliver: Yes, sir.
- President Josiah Bartlet: You're talking to a former governor. I was commander-in-chief of the New Hampshire National Guard.
- Morris Tolliver: You guys get into a lot of tough scrapes, did ya?
- President Josiah Bartlet: We didn't have to. We'd just stand on the border and stare you down. Then we'd all go for pancakes.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Jokes like that are part of my folksy charm, Morris. It's at the very heart of my popularity.
- Morris Tolliver: Don't you have a job approval rating of like 3% or something?
- President Josiah Bartlet: Well, we're having some difficulty getting the word out.
- C.J. Cregg: Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.
- President Josiah Bartlet: I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. Are you sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?
- C.J. Cregg: No.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Me, neither.
- Donna Moss: What's going on?
- Josh Lyman: Nothing.
- Donna Moss: Really?
- Josh Lyman: Yes.
- Donna Moss: Are you lying?
- Josh Lyman: Yes.
- Donna Moss: So I should get out?
- Josh Lyman: Yes.
- Sam Seaborn: [trying to get a moment alone with Laurie] I hope you don't mind my barging in like this. It's just that I've known this girl my whole life.
- Woman #2: How do you know Brittany?
- Sam Seaborn: Who's Brittany?
- Laurie: I am.
- Sam Seaborn: Okay!
- [a Navy doctor is checking the president's pulse]
- President Josiah Bartlet: So, how's my pulse?
- Morris Tolliver: Have you been running up and down the stairs at the Rose Bowl in the past few minutes?
- President Josiah Bartlet: No.
- Morris Tolliver: Then it's not that good.
- Toby Ziegler: This administration doesn't even need an opposition party, you know that? We do fine by ourselves.
- Sam Seaborn: Look, I really like her and she's not what's you think.
- Josh Lyman: The only thing I know about her is, she's a call girl. Is she a call girl?
- Sam Seaborn: Yes.
- Josh Lyman: Then so far she's exactly what I think.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Your wife's beautiful, too. How'd you get her to marry you? Did you trick her or something?
- Morris Tolliver: Hypnosis.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Yeah, I figured.
- Toby Ziegler: Before you picked up a hooker?
- Sam Seaborn: Call girl.
- Toby Ziegler: Well that's a distinction that's going to be very important to the grand jury.
- Mandy Hampton: [Arguing with Sen. Lloyd Russell over a deal he's made with the White House, a deal that deprives her of a consulting job with the senator to do something antagonistic to the President] You know what the worst part about this is? It's the party they're having in the West Wing at my expense.
- Lloyd Russell: They're not having a party in the West Wing.
- Mandy Hampton: I worked with these people for two-and-a-half years. They like to win, and then they like to gloat.
- Lloyd Russell: I'm sure you're wrong.
- Mandy Hampton: I'm sure I'm not.
- Lloyd Russell: There are very serious men and women at the White House. A blow has been struck for party unity this morning. There's no cause to gloat.
- [quick cut to the closed door of Josh Lyman's West Wing office]
- Josh Lyman: [emerging from his office, shouting as he flings his door open] Victory is mine, victory is mine. Great day in the morning, people, victory is mine.
- Sam Seaborn: A vague quote from Hoynes will disappear by the end of the next news cycle. A fistfight between Leo and the Vice President's got juice.
- President Josiah Bartlet: [referring to the newborn child of Navy Physician Tolliver, who's examining him] So how's the kid?
- Morris Tolliver: Ten days old today.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Can she spell anything yet?
- Morris Tolliver: No, sir.
- C.J. Cregg: USA Today asks you why you didn't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's cause you don't look good in funny hats.
- Sam Seaborn: It was "big hats".
- President Josiah Bartlet: [looking at a picture of Doctor Tolliver's wife and newborn daughter, after asking whether the doctor has a picture of the baby] Oh, she's beautiful! What's her name?
- Morris Tolliver: Angela's my wife. Corey is our daughter. It was my grandmother's name. She got it from her great aunt, who got it from the first free woman she ever met.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Hmm, that name's got a hell of a past.
- Morris Tolliver: My family's very proud of our past, as you can tell.
- President Josiah Bartlet: [the President is talking as Navy Physician Tolliver takes his blood pressure; he's inquiring about the doctor's plans for an imminent trip to the Middle East] What's in Jordan?
- Morris Tolliver: Amman.
- President Josiah Bartlet: You should stay here. We got Amman, a woman, little kids... the works.
- Morris Tolliver: 131 over 84
- [proceeding with the check-up as if the President hadn't said anything]
- Morris Tolliver: .
- President Josiah Bartlet: See, that was a joke.
- Morris Tolliver: Good one
- [in a deadpan, monotone delivery]
- Morris Tolliver: .
- President Josiah Bartlet: Everybody's a critic today.