- Leo McGarry: [on Lord John Marbury] He thinks I'm the butler.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: For the first couple of weeks, so did I.
- Leo McGarry: [on Marbury] You're really gonna let him loose in the White House, where there's liquor and women?
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: We can hide the women. But the man deserves a drink
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: All I'm trying to do right now? I'm trying to avoid making eye contact with the CIA Director.
- George Rollie: Mr. President...
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Three hundred thousand troops? I can't move my motorcade from K Street to Connecticut without it showing up on a weather satellite!
- George Rollie: We dropped the ball, sir.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Pick it up again - would you please?
- George Rollie: Yes, sir.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Any chance this is an exercise?
- Admiral Percy Fitzwallace: No, sir.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: A threat gesture?
- Admiral Percy Fitzwallace: Possibly.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Any nuclear activity?
- Admiral Percy Fitzwallace: We don't know, sir.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. That's probably not important information.
- [Charlie seeks and obtains the President's permission to date his daughter]
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Just remember these two things: she's nineteen years old, and the 82nd Airborne works for me.
- Lord John Marbury: You're all frightened... as well you should be. Not since the Protestant-Catholic wars in the 16th Century has Western society known anything remotely comparable to the subcontinent's religious malevolence. Uh, to a lesser observer, the intensity of the emotional frenzy is so illogical as to border on mass psychosis. but, as has been said by kings and queens, I am not a lesser observer.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: John, there's a quote from Revelations I...
- Lord John Marbury: [Cutting Bartlet off mid-sentence] "And I looked and I beheld a pale horse, and the name that sat on him was Death and, Hell followed with him."
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: My daughter asked you out?
- Charlie Young: Yes, sir.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I should've locked her in the dungeon.
- Charlie Young: I don't think you've got one, sir.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I could've built one.
- Claypool: ...in your investigation, did you find any evidence of staff drug use?
- Josh Lyman: No.
- Claypool: I'd like to remind you that you're under oath.
- Sam Seaborn: And I'd like to remind you that that's the seventh time that you've reminded him since he sat down.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: He
- [Charlie]
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: wants to go out with Zoey.
- [Leo cracks a huge smirk]
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Shut up.
- Charlie Young: Mr. President?
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I'll take the Indian ambassador in the Oval Office.
- Charlie Young: Yes, sir.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: And then if you could just ask the Secret Service to step in and kill me, please.
- Charlie Young: Yes, sir.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Toby, how much do you know about India and Pakistan?
- Toby Ziegler: I know that any war between these two countries that begins with conventional weapons isn't going to end that way.
- Indian ambassador: You look well, Mr. President.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I was looking a lot better before your country breached about 14 ceasefire conditions without so much as a phone call.
- Lord John Marbury: So, uh, tell me, how can I be of service to you? If it's within my power to give, you shall have it.
- Mandy Hampton: We're going to look good in California.
- Josh Lyman: I'm going to look pale.
- Mandy Hampton: I meant the President.
- Mandy Hampton: So, you're gonna talk to Josh and Toby?
- Sam Seaborn: You're going to owe me a big favor.
- Mandy Hampton: Sam...
- Sam Seaborn: All right, we'll be even.
- Mandy Hampton: Sam...
- Sam Seaborn: All right, I'll do this and many more favors for you and then we'll be even.